i am so ready to be unstuck and out of this rut.
i just wish it was an easier and simpler process to get there.
i miss the days of normalcy and ease around food and the days when i could kick back with my friends and feel at peace and enjoy myself. i feel myself beginning to miss those moments and yearning to have those back. when i intially started to slip again, i didn't really feel like i was missing out on a lot. i was isolating myself from a lot in life and didn't really care to socialize much and was so busy trying to get settled into tulsa, a new house, a new job, and a new class that i was too busy to really feel like the slip was taking much away from me anyway. then i began to see that my motivation for making future plans was beginning to dissapate and my time management and productivity skills were fading...but i was able to rationalize and justify everything into a neat little box because i was still able to hold down a decent job and socialize and maintain a relatively normal (normal for me, at least) lifestyle. it hasn't been until recently that i've noticed just how much i feel like i'm missing out again, and how i can begin to see where the eating disorder robs me of certain things in life. i can be in a room full of people and honestly want to feel engaged and involved yet it sucks the life out of me and drains me of all energy and completely distracts me, especially if and when there is food involved. this saddens me because the thing i want the most is to feel like i am a part of something when i am there. i want to feel present.
i am beginning to realize that even though i may not look like i have a serious problem physically which makes it easier to deny and justify away, i cannot ignore the signs that point clearly toward the fact that my quality of life is diminishing mentally and socially, and that might be more devestating in my mind than a physical deterioration ever could be. i've already missed out on so much life, so many experiences and so much time that i will never get back, and i don't want to miss out on anymore, so i have to figure out what it is going to take to get my feet unglued and moving, somehow. i'm doing all that i know how to do in working with my outpatient team but progress is admittedly slow and futile. it is hard, as we all know and have experienced at one point in time or another, to act regardless of the thoughts and feelings in our heads. it is hard to suddenly start doing behaviors that have once again become "wrong" and feel so abnormal. it is painful to break patterns that are yet again ingrained.
hard, but not impossible.
i will not stop believing that change is not impossible.
i'm sure it will take time, but i don't want to lose anymore ground and miss out on many more years.
i'm ready to be present for life again.
i'm ready.
it's not too late, leah beth. recognizing this is an important step, which means that you are well on your way to progress. just keep taking baby steps. it may be painfully slow, but moving forwards is moving forwards. i KNOW you can do this. you are strong and a fighter and you have so much courage within you. keep fighting for your life. you are worth it <3
ReplyDeletethanks, katie! knowing that we are in this fight together, doing it one step at a time makes it that much more comforting. i pray and hope that you are doing well too, and it sounds like (from reading your posts though it never seems to let me comment!) that you are making strides too. so very, very proud of you girlie! love and miss you!
ReplyDeleteLB- I think you hit the nail on the head- that the eating disorder no longer provides us the feelings of comfort and security it might have- yes it still does some of that or else we would not resort back to it- but that you are beginning to see the consequences completely outweigh the benefits.
ReplyDeleteI think it is so important for you to realize that regardless of how you may judge your own self in terms of "physical health" that it is the emotional toll that is equally if not more detrmital to your well being. I just returned back to living alone in Philadelphia after spending two weeks on break at home with the family which is a time that used to be incredibly challenging for me. As soon asI would get back to school I would use that time to dive back into my eating disorder to reverse anything that might have had happened while at home. I found myself two days later even more miserable and lonely and sad- feeling completely alone and disconnected- missing any sense of "normalcy"...So my point is- I only slipped for two days- and now although I find it hard to justify is enough for me to say- HEY Jessica you have to do something about this- my weight may not have shown that I was slipping and it certainly is not in a dangerous spot- but who says we have to wait until we get past our last low before we move forward you know?
Undoing the steps is super hard- and very frustrating, but your insight is remarkable and I believe in you. Try to set up meal times as it would be set up in treatment- Force yourself to eat 3 meals a day and snacks and drink the boost- because if you were in treatment that would be what was expected of you too...the only difference is that someone is not watching you- but I promise if you do it- after a few struggles you will feel stronger than before and empowered that you conquered it without having to sit one on one with someone staring at you while you finished the drink. Heck- we can have a boost sipping/meal party if you want via skype or FB chat. Let me know :) I could use the company myself.
Love,
Jessica
err PS: I finally updated my blog. Mine is not eloquent like yours are...but just in case you ever want to take a peak of my rambling mind.
ReplyDeletehttp://survivelivethrive88.blogspot.com/2012/01/back-to-school-nightmares.html