math has never been my strong suit.
maybe it is because math involves such linear concepts that i simply cannot grasp a subject that only involves an A+B=C way of thinking when my brain works much more in a 'A influences B which influences C which could then influence A and everything is intertwined and interrelated and triangulated' kind of way.
yet somehow it is still hard for me to accept that life is not a linear pursuit. life does not exist on a black and white graph mapped out with dots and lines that start at point A and move upwards in a neatly penciled diagonal line, symbolizing a perfect correlation between variable 1 and variable 2. instead, if mapped out with dots and penciled lines i think it would reflect more of a mountain range with peaks and dips and lots of smaller ups and downs in between.
math is very concrete. there is a formula and a solution for just about everything, and i often feel about life the same way i feel about math. it is concrete...black and white. and it leaves no room for error. this is why i have such a hard time asking for help when i need it, admitting that i am struggling, and why i tend to let myself get into ruts and valleys and stay there for far too long before doing something about it. i don't give myself room for error, for mistakes, for a learning curve.
in my linear life quest, i also tend to think that once i've mapped out a certain dot on the graph, i can't backtrack. this is where my pride tends to get me, or rather it did get me this time. i had a really good run with recovery and felt better than i had in my entire life, shared my story with others, and was enjoying life, and then i slipped. i just slipped, which could have easily been fixed had i put my pride aside long enough to admit that i had slipped. but i felt like i couldn't admit that because i had already grown and "recovered" past the point of needing to admit slips or even having weaknesses. silly me. really, all i had done was switch from feeling like i had to be perfect in other areas of my life to feeling like i had to maintain a perfect recovery. i should have allowed myself a little room for grace.
recovery, nor life, will ever be a linear journey. it will never be found on the pages of a graph paper booklet in some 10th grade geometry classroom. it is a series of peaks and valleys, of map dots that are often traced and retraced over and over again, sometimes even erased (or at least it feels that way) until lessons are learned. it is much more exciting than right angles and triangles and theoretical formulas, too.
hindsight is always 20/20...looking back, i can see now that trying to maintain the perfect recovery actually hindered me instead of helped me. trying to maintain a facade of strength when true strength would have meant reaching out to someone sooner slowed the process down. keeping my head stuck in the sand instead of acknowledging signs only kept me stuck in a pile of denial way longer than necessary. and trying to do recovery alone, on my own, kept me from actually benefiting from some the joys that recovery can bring to life.
i'm using my hindsight information to help make my future a little better.
Hindsight definitely is 20/20 but like you said- you have learned now for the future. Next time you will recognize the warning signs earlier and hopefully push yourself to reach out before you can't dig yourself out anymore. You have the insight and the strength and perseverence and the brains to do it- I know it! It definitely is a humbling experience to just ask for help though....as they say- we are only as sick as our secrets- I used to think that as long as I did not lie that I was not lying but I would lie by omission- lie by denial- or whatever it might be- which really was a way for the ED to trick me to keep me sick- now you've learned how to recognize some of those signals. You've come so far too though LB- so don't be too discouraged and think that you are back to square one because as you mentioned....its not a linear path. Start NOW to turn things around...no need to make it harder on yourself for later. You have so many plans and dreams that can all come true- but not if you still have the ED. Just remember all the progress that you have made this year- moved out on your own, got a job, held solid recovery for a good period of time....I look at recovery as training for a marathon (NO I THINK marathons are bad ideas- so bad analogy) but the reality is no one can just walk out their door and run a marathon right away- it takes training and tons of practice- a few miles here and there until there is the full 26.2...and then the next time training is not quite as hard because you already have that endurance...same deal with recovery. Although it is SO MUCH HARDER to get out of the rut after each relapse- and you fall so much faster- once you pick up some speed...you will get back to where you were PLUS SO MUCH MORE much faster. I hope I made some sense :/ <3
ReplyDeleteProfound, as always!! Keep that amazing attitude up:) <3
ReplyDeleteto the anonymous commenter (which is really chicken of you, by the way) i can choose what to leave up and what to take down on MY blog if i so choose, thank you. i will answer questions about my life and my future personally, so if you have a question you can ask me privately via facebook. and thank you for your "feedback" about my weight and how "fat i am." we all know weight has very little to do with defining one's degree of disorder, but if you didn't know that you can educate yourself through the many website available online. just google educational eating disorder awareness websites and you will find all the information you need.
ReplyDeletei sincerely appreciate your feedback...ps, that is a very therapeutic term. might you have been in treatment yourself? might i know who you are?