someone asked me recently what i thought were some of the hardest obstacles i faced when recovering from an eating disorder and what some of the easier obstacles i faced were when recovering from an eating disorder. this question really made me think, as i have never really categorized obstacles or thought much about what hurdles were harder for me to overcome than others...yet when i stopped to actually ponder this, i was intrigued with what i was able to come up with.
obstacles that present the biggest challenges for me in recovery:
-not letting a slip become a relapse because of black and white thinking.
i tend to get very black and white with recovery and if i slip up then i feel as if i have messed everthing up and there is no point in trying to get back on the horse so i might as well go eat worms and surrender. i fall into this trap of thinking often and let it keep me down more times than not. definitely something i need to work on.
-letting my emotions dicate my actions.
if i feel angry or sad or bored or lonely or ____ i manifest those feelings physically or tangibly, usually through my body. it is easier for me to deal with my feelings when they become physical than when they stay internal and jumbled up inside. i have to learn to process them, still physically if i so choose, but in a non self-destructive manner.
-being unsure of what to do when recovery starts to feel uncomfortable.
after a certain period of time recovery begins to feel uncomfortable. routine sets in, cloud 9 disappears, the excitement of a new and healthy body begins to fade and reality sets in, and the realization that the one sure thing in life (or so it seemed) is gone freaks me out. i tend to panic and start to feel discontent and unsure of how to cope or what to do. i have to remind myself that recovery isn't going to be grand and exciting every second of every day but the mere fact that i am alive and well is reason enough to celebrate.
obstacles that present less of a challenge in overcoming:
-rediscovering my relationship with food.
in all honesty, the only time that i don't like food and don't like eating is when i am in a disordered mindset. if i am to be completely honest with myself, i am quite the foodie with a love for cooking and baking. this is not to say that i haven't developed food fears over the many years i've struggled, but learning to overcome some of those fears has been a manageable process for me. it was almost exciting when i figured out how to give myself permission to eat again and enjoy it and try new things. i need to figure out how to grant myself this permission for freedom again somehow.
-speaking my mind.
though i still struggle with this from time to time, with recovery i began to find my voice and i have definitely learned how to begin to use that voice. i may still need to find the right balance but i love that i can say what is on my mind. sometimes i think i may need a bigger filter (ha) but at least it is progress!
-reconnecting with others.
i lost a lot of relationships and isolated myself greatly in the midst of my worst days. i lost myself which made it very hard to connect to others or maintain relationships i already had, but i've since been reconnecting and trying to mend broken relationships. though i am currently in a bit of a rut, i am still making a conscious effort to try and stay connected and keep in contact with those around me so as not to lose out on relationships and experiences. i now know how vital that is to my life.
on the path to recovery i have faced many obstacles. some easier to deal with an overcome than others. as my journey continues to wax and wane and twist and turn i continue to come up against some of these obstacles time and time again. i think this is something that i will continually do, and so learning from my experience each time helps me better combat them the next time. it is also important for me to look at where i've made some progress because it is easy for me to get stuck in the trap of thinking that i'm going nowhere fast and then getting discouraged and left feeling hopeless. all is not lost, nor will it ever be. i am better now than i once was. stronger than i used to be. do i still have a ways to go? absolutely. but i am not who i used to be, and moving forward. each battle is an opportunity for learning. it isn't about winning or losing, it is about lessons learned and knowledge gained and the wisdom of experience.
that, i have discovered.
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