you'd think i would have learned by now that the scale is never going to satisfy the deep desires of my heart. i had been doing well with the whole weighing thing, and made an agreement with my dietitian to stop weighing since i was back to seeing her...she could weigh me at the office.
yet, i did it anyway.
of course, it wasn't what i wanted to see.
i've really been struggling with my body lately.
the body image is awful, and my body just feels so unpredictable these days. even my dietitian said that i am having some definite fluctuations above the normal daily fluctuations. wonderful.
it's that feeling of not knowing how my body is going to respond to anything that brings back that immense fear.
that all too familiar fear.
my brain is currently screaming at me with all the usual messages..
i'm too much
no need to follow your meal plan today
add an extra mile or 4 to your run today
you must lose the excess
way to go, you lost your willpower and your self-respect
you take up too much space
nothing is going to fit you. you'll look bad in anything
i realize that writing all of that out may offend some people, but i did it anyway. truth is, those messages continually play in my head on the tough days, and used to be that i would immediately act on them as if i had no choice in the matter, whatsoever. the difference between then and now is that i can first admit that i am still struggling with the mental messages...second, i can agree to not just go with the flow and act on behaviors, and thirdly i can choose to do things to help counter some of those thoughts. i learned in treatment that i do indeed possess the ability to do things differently. regardless, it definitely gets tiring still fighting the devil on my shoulder shouting into a megaphone.
Oh well.
Such is life.
On a totally different and much more positive note...my sweet friend Leah, that i met in treatment, is coming to visit me tomorrow!! i am beyond excited to see her sweet face and spend the weekend with her. We have lots to do in such a short amount of time! we are going to do some shopping on friday and maybe make tee's for the NEDA walk, then saturday we are going to disney! Sunday we will walk in the NEDA walk, then probably do more shopping and maybe go to the movies sunday night...and then we might mess around winter park on monday before I have to take her to the airport. maybe i will just squeeze myself into her suitcase and go to nashville with her! i do have some amazing suitcase skills (see below)
Anyway, it is an uderstatement to say how excited i am to see this amazingly strong woman in recovery! How nice it will be for us both to be healthy and functioning so we can walk disney and laugh and enjoy ourselves and our time together. i am truly blessed with some amazing friends who continually teach me new things.
Well, i see my new therapist tomorrow for my first appointment with her. A little nervous to have to tell my story again, but i am really hoping that she will work out, as she is covered under insurance, thank goodness. I also have a psychiatrist appointment in a little less than a month. Hopefully take two will be better than take one!
Well, that is about it!
much love,
LB <3
always remember...
Thank you for sharing this! I think writing this will help you more to look at your thinking, and feelings and thinking about them! You are beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with ur appointment, and have fun with ur friend! <3
HAVE FUN!
ReplyDeleteAlso, GET RID OF YOUR SCALE. They are man-made, not God-condoned. ;)