tired of feeling scared

had a little bit of a scare last night...okay, scratch that. i had a big scare last night.
woke up at 2:30am to use the bathroom and noticed that my phone was flashing, meaning i had a message or email alert. i unlocked it in order to stop it from flashing and noticed that i had a message from one of my best friends, so i read it.
she was basically saying goodbye in case she didn't make it through the night because she was too tired to keep fighting.
i was floored.
i quickly responded with two texts back, and put my phone on vibrate under my pillow so i would hear when she responded. i laid awake in bed for a long time mentally preparing myself for the call from her parents, the news that she hadn't made it. I was preparing myself for the emotions I would feel, for everything. I've lost two other friends this year, and I wasn't at all prepared or ready to lose another one...much less one of my BEST friends.
and i prayed.
it was all i could do.
i finally fell back to sleep and woke up at 10 this morning. I checked my phone and still nothing, so i sent her another message pleading for her to call me or text me or something and let me know she was okay. at 10:30 she responded with "i'm okay...sorry."
i wanted to yell at her and tell her how incredibly scared and angry that made me, but i also wanted to be sensitive and cautious not to abandon her when she needed people the most. yet it was really hard for me to figure out some balance. i proceeded to tell her never to do that to me again. if it got to the point where she was considering ending it all to call 911 or go to the nearest ER, or call me BEFORE it got to that point. I also told her that she needed help...more than her outpatient team is giving her. It's hard for me to continue to try and support her when I feel like she isn't doing anything actively to turn things around.
I was telling my mom about what had happened, and she looked at me and said, "Leah Beth, she is your friend. One of your closest friends and you felt scared. Imagine how I felt when I didn't hear from you after you had hard nights. I was scared to death."
My heart sank. She is right. I cannot imagine what I must have put people through with all the death talk and actions, the eating disorder that could have killed me at any given time, and the alcohol that i added on top of it all. I apologized to her, and also to my very best friend who went through it with me. It's moments like those that I wish I could just erase and do over.
It's just so weird being on the other side of things...watching friends struggle and relapse and get sick while I am trucking along, hearing that same hopelessness that I once felt, only not being able to do anything about it...getting frustrated and wanting to just shake people and shake sense into them. I am sure that is how those around me felt many times.
I'm tired of being scared for people.
I'm tired of worrying.
I'm mainly tired of this stupid disease taking over my friends, one by one.
Stupid life-wrecker.

Oh well, I may be made in the Savior's image but I am no savior. I can only control myself and my own actions, and that's exactly what I am trying to do.
As for me, well lets see. The body image piece is still a doosey. I wish I could just eradicate mirrors from my world. I think I'd fare much better if I could. I am also really having to check myself in terms of my mentality right now. I keep telling myself that I'd still be healthy, look better, and be happier if I was xx lbs less than I am now. And i'd be partially true..I could be lighter and still most likely be "physically healthy" but I know from past experience that I don't tend to have a good stopper installed and wouldn't quit. I'd get more and more obsessive, most likely. I am stuck in that thinking, though. I go shopping and put together cute outfits and tell myself that such and such would look really cute with so and so, but not on me because I am too large to wear that...maybe if I was a size smaller, then I could.
Hear me loud and clear - I don't WANT to be thinking these things. I am also trying realllly hard not to give into these voices but man, is it hard! Any suggestions for helping to fight those nasty voices would be much appreciated!
I am also walking a fine line with exercise right now...not so much with overdoing it but rather starting to feel obsessive with it. I'm working to counter this by adding in rest days where i do absolutely nothing exercise related...not even light free weights before bed. Nada.
To sum it up, I am still working very hard to maintain my recovery, but I feel like more and more obstacles are being thrown in my path...I guess that is just more reason to stay on my toes and never let my guard down!
And I am still trying to get back on a meal plan of sorts...
so that's kind of where i am at!

Hope this finds y'all doing well and hanging in there!
If you ever have questions or need me, feel free to comment on here, message me on FB, or catch me on formspring.me/lbeec :)

Love, LB <3