let's get personal..

first of all, i apologize for anything that doesn't make sense...my brain is elsewhere today!

anyway, i was reading through an old journal last night spanning my post-renfrew - pre-remuda time. i always write better when i am in the throes of depression because my mind gets even more introspective and i tend to focus on the why's of situations and desparately seek meaning for the tribulations. anyway, i found some very interesting, very poignant statements that, looking back now, make a lot of sense as to why i do what i do and why i have held onto destructive behaviors for so long.
i wanted to share some of what was written on those pages for a few reasons.
first, it shows just how entrenched the mind can become.
second, to show just how far i have come.
and lastly, to tie some things together and make some sense out of everything.

here goes.

"i suddenly feel so transparent, so visible. i don't want to be seen. i want to remain hidden - tucked neatly away from the world as if the world needs to be protected from me"

"i'm not a bad, negative, dysfunctional person - i just feel like i'm dying on the inside and try to dampen those feelings in dysfunctional ways"

"i am right where i want to be. where i feel i deserve to be. existing. not in excess. surviving on the minimum. learning to function on exactly what i need to get by. i do not deserve to have needs."

"everyday, things are becoming more and more daunting. i recognize my patterns. i know this all too well. so why can't i stop it from happening?"

"i want to get away from this life...run away to where no one knows me or my past...somewhere that i can start fresh and recreate myself."

"i am the great pretender. everyday another little piece of me dies off even though my exterior looks completely put together. but i am weakening on the inside."

"who am I without the eating disorder? how am i supposed to be real if i don't even know who i am"

"i want the split between my head and my heart to lessen so i can be whole again"

"life entails too many choices. it's overwhelming. i can't decide, so i won't decide."

"i know that food is tied to relationships. people get too close, it becomes scary. i have to push them away somehow - so i do the only thing i can do. i wedge the eating disorder between myself and the world. protected from them, yet prey to myself."

"i was hurt as a child. i was confused for a long time. and now what am i doing? i'm still confused, and still hurting, though very much self-inflicted. i'm letting the hurt live on because i feel like that is all i deserve."

"am i worth anything because i'm beginning to think that i am not."

the list could go on and on as there are hundreds of pages filled with similar trains of thought but i will stop there. i thought this would be important for me to lay out in black and white because it tells a lot about why my eating disorder started in the first place, and can presently help me deal with trigger situations.
i've always felt very guilty and unworthy. i spent a lot of time telling myself that i didn't have the same needs as everyone else. yes, i loved it when my parents bought me a new outfit or a new pair of shoes (usually because i have always had issues with overdressing the outside to try and make up for the inside) but i didn't feel deserving of love, food, time and energy and fuss, care and nurturing. i'm not even sure where those feelings began. to this day, i still struggle with feeling like i am terminally unique in terms of needs and can get by with so much less than what others may need.

i've always been an axious child who had trouble making decisions, even simple ones. this is still one of my biggest struggles. i have always felt like there is a wrong and a right, and so i fret over making sure i make the "right decision." growing up, when i felt like i had too many choices, i shifted my focus to the food, telling myself that there were too many choices regarding food - where to eat, what to eat, when to eat, how to pay for it, etc. - and if i could just eliminate some of the choices i would then feel more in control. so i limited myself, my food, everything. i also tended to just NOT make a decision, which is more of what i do today. if i am faced with a big decision and can't see a clear choice, then i just fret and debate and never actually make a decision. i notice how it can still mess with my food, so i have to constantly be vigilant about my food when faced with choices and life decisions.

lastly, in regards to the very first statement - i have always felt too visible. i've always been aware of the space that i take up. that's hard to explain because it's not always about me being "fat," rather too much or too present. The sicker i got, the more i began to think that I was exposed and needed to hide. In essence, losing weight for me was an effort to protect myself from the world, and the world from me. At laureate this last time, my therapist and I talked a lot about my personality, and how it scares me. When totally uninhibited, my general personality is bubbly, witty, bordering on loud sometimes, spontaneous, fun, emotional, sensitive, and leader-oriented. Being a visible presence scared me, and I began to notice that when I was losing, my personality was becoming dampened. For me, that was exactly what I wanted. I was scared of being too much, and lack of nutrition allowed my brain and body to quiet down. My therapist helped me realize that I can have balance in my life without destroying my body to get there. What a concept.
I am now working to embrace my personality for what it is, as it makes me who i am.

i guess connecting the dots for me helps when i find myself in similar situations. for example, when i was trying to decide between tulsa and orlando i noticed that i started to get pretty rigid with my food again. i took a step back, connected the dots, and was able to tell myself that controlling my food choices wasn't going to make the decision disappear. I am trying to learn from the past in order to help ensure a healthy future for myself.

anyway, that was a little personal. sorry if it was boring!
Love y'all.
LB <3