Sorry it's been a few days since I last blogged. I've been a bit under the weather this week.
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately.
Still trying to sit with my decision to stay here in Orlando and really looking for confirmation that I did the right thing by staying here. I am planning to go back out and visit and kind of symbolically say my goodbyes to Tulsa (though I still plan to keep in touch with everyone) sometime around the beginning of April. I know it's going to be hard but I also know it will be worth it.
As for staying here...I'm really having a hard time quelling my social anxiety, which is making it very difficult to branch out and get involved in the community. I really do think things will get better once I start school again but that won't happen until May. I get nervous just thinking about school because it has been 2 years since I was last in class. I never thought I'd be out of school this long, much less totally switching career paths and having to basically start over. I never thought I'd be going back to the community college at almost 26, gearing up to start nursing school. I'm having a really hard time actually feeling my age because I feel as if I am stunted in certain ways. I don't know if that makes sense at all. Sometimes I feel much older and much too tired to be only 25 and other times I feel like i am lightyears behind all of my 25 year old friends who have careers, families, babies, and lives.
Anyway, I am looking for prospective places to live, as well as a car.
I'm pretty excited about having my own place again and really want a place that I can paint. I have such cute decorating ideas if I can paint the walls :) Plus, having my own space again will be really relaxing.
As for the car, yep I am looking to trade mine in. What do I get? Ahh, decisions decisions.
In terms of recovery - I am doing alright. I've had some really tough body image days lately, and just feel so much more aware of myself, my body, and the amount of space I am taking up. I prefer the days when I feel less aware, but I guess I have to learn how to deal with it all. Now, to shoot it straight...I stopped seeing a therapist and dietitian back in the middle of December, and never had a psychiatrist to begin with. I wasn't getting much out of therapy and tended to resent having to go and waste my time...don't get me wrong, my therapist was very nice. I just didn't feel like I had real issues to work on, and felt like it wasn't great accountability for me. My dietitian is wonderful and I am thinking about going to see her again. I grew increasingly embarrassed of my weight and so I stopped seeing her. Plus, she moved me to intuitive eating and I felt like I just threw my set mealplan out the window - not in a restricting way, just in the sense that I started eating what I wanted when I felt like eating, and so I wasn't doing the whole x number of carbs, x number of proteins, and x number of fats at each meal. In hindsight, I wasn't gaining any or losing any on the mealplan, so maybe I could have just stuck with it for a while and felt more stable, but I thought maybe if I really listened to my body cues and only ate when I felt hungry, my body would magically balance itself out. Wrong. Instead, my weight has done nothing but fluctuate, making me increasingly frustrated and self-conscious. I have an option to try and get back on track with my mealplan, but I am worried that after so long of eating however I felt like eating, my body isn't going to respond normally and I am going to gain enormous amounts of weight. False. I know. It's just a fear I am having to work on.
Okay, now for something totally taboo (or so it seems) for someone in recovery to say...heavens to betsey, i like food. In fact, one of my biggest fears in allowing myself to eat again and gain the weight back was that I was going to end up bingeing because I liked food so much and had so many deprivation issues. I still have that fear, that if I completely allow myself to eat whatever I am craving, i won't be able to stop. But I really do like food and the thought of having to deprive myself makes me cringe. When I first got back from treatment I went to see a personal trainer who told me I could lose x number of pounds if all I did was work out with him and use his plan, purchase some of his supplements, and DEPRIVE myself of certain food groups. I opted not to train with him because I am sick and tired of depriving myself. I am much happier when I just eat what I want and let my body be how it's going to be. Yet then the bad body image kicks in. So that is where the real work lies...in challenging the body image thoughts.
I generally know that if I start restricting again, it is not because I don't like the food or am not hungry, rather it is a response to some stress in my life. I cannot lie anymore and say that I just don't like food.
I do.
So, I am trying to deal with the thoughts that come up when I let myself be nourished and healthy and at the size that my body needs to be.
Anyway, that's about it :)
Love, LB <3
"I'm having a really hard time actually feeling my age because I feel as if I am stunted in certain ways." <---I can COMPLETELY relate to this and it makes perfect sense to me. I feel "stunted" in the sense that most of my friends have not only begun their nursing careers, but are getting/finishing their masters. I know people have said this to me, but there is nothing wrong with going back to college at any time. Heck, you are going back for a SECOND undergrad degree, most people have trouble even finishing ONE...that in itself shows how intelligent and hard working you are. And from what I have seen in nursing, it is NOT at all unusual for "older" people to go back to school to become an RN. When I went back twice to finish my degree after treatment, I was in many classes with second degree students, who ranged in age from recent college grads who suddenly changed their minds, to people in their mid fifties who have grown children and grand children. If you are pursuing what you love and what you want to be your future career, than it is never too late to start and will pay off majorly in the long run. I think it is better to take more time in school to get into a career you are truly passionate about than rush into a career that you are only in for the money and don't really like. I have found that most people in that situation burn out quickly.
ReplyDeleteAnd, LOVE that you are able to admit that you like food. I wrote about this in a recent blog entry and I think it is a big step in recovery. For so long, I tried to pretend I didn't like things because I felt that having an eating disorder meant that I was not supposed to like certain things. Screw that personal trainer and I am so happy that you are not training with him, because recovery is not about depriving yourself, it is about LIVING and enjoying life. Heck, I LOVE food. REAL food, not the diet stuff that I relied on for so long, but food that is full of flavors and textures that I loved and deprived myself of for so long.
<3 <3 You are such an inspiration and seeing your progress in recovery through your blog entries and getting to know you has kept me motivated to keep going in my own recovery. It will be worth it in the end when we are kick ass nurses, loving life, and living it to the fullest :)
<3 <3
Katie
I am SO SO SO SO proud of you LB. For not working with that personal trainer, for not being okay with intuitive eating (which probably is a good thing for some people but it may not be the best for us at this point in our lives), and for sitting with your decision to stay in Orlando...and being excited about it! As you know, I'm getting back onto my meal plan too and terrified about what it's gonna do to my body...but, I'm just trying not to think about that. At laureate i was on that mp and my body didn't go too far out of whack...I hate to admit and want to cringe and disappear to think that I did go up (uh, i hate even saying it, my mind still tells me it's such a failure and embarrassment...but, ok I know somewhere deep down that it's not) a little on it, but I look at the pictures of us from Tulsa and we were SO happy. We had so much life in our eyes. And so, if I go up a little, well then bring on some life. I'd rather be on a meal plan and smiling and feeling life like I did when we danced in the sprinkers (:)) than restricting and lifeless. So, we can do this!!! We've done the mp for months on end before...we can do it now. BRING ON THE JOY!! I want to be free and happy. And I want to do that with you <3
ReplyDeleteSo so proud of you twin. I am honored to call you my twin.
I'm happy for you, and excited about your new plans! (especially the paint!) I think starting over is hard, no matter if it is a geographical location or simply in the town you may have spent your entire life in. I sometimes go to AA mtgs (for the ED) and the whole 'change your people, places and playgrounds,' is a motto that applies to us as well.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my prayers!