discontent...

i'm struggling with doubting some of the recommendations of my treatment team.
my dietitian is saying i could stand to gain a few pounds, yet two of my old treatment team members that i saw this week both said i looked beautiful, healthy, and one even said "so glad there is something there to hug now. and just enough, too." if people look at me and i look fine then why do i need to change anything or do anything differently? i'm really struggling with this, as the idea of gaining ANYTHING scares the living daylights out of me. i'm not saying that i want to be out of my weight range or that i want to lose weight, i just don't want to gain. i'd be happy and content sitting exactly where i am weight wise. i am doing well in all the other areas of my life and my recovery in general is going well, so why change something that is working just fine? i guess i'm just wondering who i should trust and what i do from here. i've been really trying to follow the recommendations and abide by the increases and such, but i tend to feel guilty afterwards as it seems unnatural to eat when i don't even feel hungry. i still struggle with being in tune to my hunger and fullness cues, especially when stressed or anxious which i am right now, and it tends to take more effort to remember to eat when i don't really have an appetite. of course, this past week i've been feeling super hungry, but i'm pretty sure that is because i started my period today. oh, the joys of womanhood...gotta love it.
anyway, i guess i'm just having a difficult time figuring out where my body really wants to sit and what my needs really are. i'm also in one of my weird funks where everything eating disorder and laureate and past patient related annoys me. i'm in that "i want to cancel all of my appointments and stop seeing anyone related to laureate" mode. i know i can't just up and stop appointments, but that is how i'm feeling these days.
now don't get me wrong, i am grateful to have a support team again. i am grateful that people can see me as happy and healthy. that is a definite improvement since last year. i'm grateful to still be in recovery. i have a lot to be thankful for, actually. i try not to lose sight of those things even when i feel discontent. i'm really working on my glass-half-full thinking!
on a different note, i did well with setting boundaries today. i've been hormonal and crabby today, given starting, and i just wasn't in the mood for talking this afternoon to really anyone, so i told a friend who sent me a text that i just didn't have the energy to talk. small step, but definitely a boundary set.
i'm working. that is the important thing. i will never stop working on recovery. as long as i'm working, i'm moving forward.