"I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something..."

i don't cry easily.
okay, scratch that.
i cry at car commercials, endless grey's reruns, and song lyrics but i don't cry when it comes to things that really matter. like emotions or relationships. it is easier for me to get distant or passive agressive or apathetic. all of which are ways to cope without actually feeling the pain. feeling pain often feels like the worst feeling in the world, even though i know pain is only temporary and will heal with time. i can't remember the last time i cried because i was actually feeling something. maybe on the way out to tulsa because i was already feeling homesick, but otherwise i sure can't remember.
i went to my therapy session today fully prepared to launch off on some tangent about old treatment professionals and how hurt and frustrated i was feeling. and i did, to a degree. but the more i talked the more i began to see what was really underneath it all. tuesday, i left there feeling vulnerable and exposed. feeling those particualar feelings tend to be trigger emotions and that is exactly what happened. it triggered a whole slue of feelings that i was not really up for feeling, so i got oppositional instead. i was ready to write everyone off. and i still somewhat am skeptical and hesitant but have a little more of a level head today. i'm definitely putting some distance in between them and myself. my therapist said i should email them and let them know how i feel, but i think i just need some space...and to find my support elsewhere.
i also ended up talking about how even though i try to stay optimistic and recognize that even though i am taking strides to move forward with my life i still feel very empty without school and without a real career. someone at work asked me where i got my master's degree from and i had to clarify that i never actually finished and only have a bachelor's degree. i know that a bachelor's degree is more than a lot of people have, but to know that i was so close to finishing and didn't and am having to start over from scratch is so hard for me. and it is hard to watch all of my friends move on with their degrees and lives and i feel stuck, in cement, still clueless about where to go from here. i know i've talked about this feeling of inadequacy before but it clearly still has a hold on me. i've done a steller job lately of pushing it aside or down but when i began to talk about where my life is going and how i feel lost and empty the tears just started to come. i was embarrassed, as is always the case when i cry, but i allowed them to come. and my therapist let me just sit with them. i'm thankful for that because if she had tried to combat my thinking or challenge me i probably would have just gotten defensive and totally bypassed the feelings all together.
anyway, i'm tired so i'm just got to call it a post and be done with today.
i've got to shower and get ready for work. still enjoying work, even on the long and boring days. and i'm getting to know the people i work with better and we are making plans. we are dressing up for halloween and celebrating one of the girls' birthday and going to the company picnic together. it's nice to be around normal people who have never had eating issues and watch their interactions and attitudes toward food. it's refreshing.
well, that is about it for now.
peace and blessings. (yes, i watched tracy and my push up bra video last night haha)