i've been feeling so perpetually tired these days.
i try and get decent sleep, but i'm having issues with that right now so it leaves me in a constant state of playing catch-up. i think the fatigue is messing with my mood too, because i'm super irritated lately.
i'm also really trying to combat the negative body image but it's hard lately.
my dietitian is trying to get my weight back up, yet the other treatment professionals that i still have relationships with have all given me amazing feedback about how great i look. if i look so great then why should i have to gain? why not just let me sit where i am? i feel very confused, as i am getting mixed messages from people. i mean, i will do it if that is what is best for me and my body, but clearly i don't look like i need any of that back. i'm just not sure what is the real truth.
otherwise, i'm doing alright. i've been battling a bit of the blues the last several days but trying to keep my spirits lifted. having a work routine and spending time with people even when i don't want to have helped that process along. i finally called and made a psych appointment so i can talk about some of these weird mood shifts.
so, in other news, i've been thinking a lot about the definition of recovery. i've seen a few people from my old treatment team lately and been pretty honest about how things are going (which generally are going well with only a few struggle areas) and they've all said how proud of me they are, how happy i look, and how well i'm doing. i'm one to think black and white and always assume that recovery has to look a certain way or be free of struggles or mean that every aspect of my life is going well. to hear professionals tell me that my recovery is going well and i'm doing well despite the bumps fells foreign and confusing and good, all at the same time. i have permission to NOT be perfect. i have permission to just be myself. i have permission to lower my standards a little. i think it takes a lot of the pressure off and actually allows me to be more recovery-oriented and spend less time trying to be perfect. how refreshing.
i know i'm jumping topics a lot, but that is how my brain is working tonight. anyway, i was at work and we were all goofing off and talking about what we did the day before so i mentioned i had been to an appointment. my supervisor said "girl, you have doctors appointments every day! what is wrong with you?" in a joking manner, so i responded with "it's long and complicated, are you sure you want to know?" and she said yes, if i wanted to tell her. we were laid back enough that i felt i could tell them and be honest, so i took a risk and did. i told her (and another teller) that i am in recovery from an eating disorder so i have various appointments, plus i have some medical appointments, too. and surprise! no one looked at me any differently or judged me or anything like i had feared. they were kind of like "okay, cool" and then we started joking about something else. it feels so good to not have to hide my secret anymore. and i have a better chance of getting in my breaks now! progress.
today was definite progress, even if i do feel all moody and irritable tonight :)
i'm working hard on trying to find the positive in each day, so that was the positive for the day!
anyway, love y'all and hope you are well.
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