i think part of my sadness about not moving back to tulsa has to do with fear.
i'm afraid that if i don't go back, i'll be forgotten, and i also fear that staying here and making a new life for myself will entail some grieving for the loss of that life and lifestyle.
i'm excited about change, but also sad to let go of what once was.
this is also how i feel in regards to the eating disorder in general. in order to move on and experience life i have to let go of the past, and my identity in the eating disorder.
i recently started reading Jenni Shafer's sequel, Goodbye Ed Hello Me, and the part about being in recovery vs. being recovered really struck a chord with me. for me personally, i think that saying i'm in recovery keeps me on my toes and active in my journey, which is imporant for me right now. at some point in time i definitely feel i will make the shift from being in recovery to being recovered, but let's be honest - i'm in my weight range, eating balanced and enough, exercising moderately, and working on making decisions that are in my best interest. so i really can't say that i "have an eating disorder" anymore. yet, saying that i had an eating disorder is so hard for me because i'm afraid that in saying that, i lose that safety net. even if i know in my heart that i won't use the safety net, it's still nice to know it's there. but i can't live my life with a safety net of disorder and chaos underneath me.
i guess my task now is figuring out how to create a safe and supportive (and disorder free!) safety net to fall on if i feel unsteady.
i know i will have to grieve eventually. maybe that's what i am beginning to do now.
maybe the twinge of pain in my heart and the aching at the pit of my stomach are really just signs of letting go and moving on.
pain before sobriety and pain before serenity.
i've told several people know that i am not moving back to oklahoma.
it's been harder than i thought, and i feel as if i am saying goodbye each time i tell someone.
i guess the verbal confirmation that i have officially made a decision just solidifies it and makes it real.
anyway, just rambling.
love, LB <3
I hope my comments do not bother you, but I feel like I have to let you know how proud I am of you each and every time. I know that when I make decisions towards recovery and that are so hard but benefit myself it can feel so lonely at times ( I think you mentioned this in a past post). Keep me posted on the house search and remember that staying in FL may only be temporary too. That would be my only hesitation towards investing in buying a home. I know I often tend to think of situations as all or nothing- one extreme or the other- perhaps for now your plan is to stay in Fl and enroll in classes- maybe you can take your pre-reqs in FL and then move elsewhere for a nursing program- or apply to a bunch of second degree nursing programs to a bunch of places and see where that takes you. That is a bit like what I did but I know we are different people with different situations.
ReplyDeleteRemember that Tulsa will always be there for you and you will not be forgotten by those that live there or work at Laureate. You are memorable and unique :)
Let me know how Goodbye Ed Hello Me is. I read it and loved it but I read it over a year ago now and think I need to reread it since I am in a much different place than I was in last year or even last month for that matter and think that the book may provide me with even more help now that I am further along in recovery.
One last thing, I think it is okay to still say you are in recovery because YOU ARE. Similar to you, if I said I was recovered at this point I think it would mess with my mind and then make it easier for me to fall back into old habits. So be patient my dear, You ARE in recovery and that can be a wonderful thing. RecoverED will be there for you when you get there!