today has been an emotionally difficult day.
not all of it, but most of the afternoon and evening at least.
i'm feeling lonely, and i just couldn't seem to shake it today.
it is hard to watch friendships change and evolve as many of mine have, but what is even harder is to feel very close to someone and then begin to see the distance increasing as the distance is decreasing between that person and someone else.
normally, this wouldn't bother me as i have learned to be much more independent over the past year or two, but i don't really have anyone locally so i place a lot of value on the relationships i have with those people who don't necessarily live around here. being here in orlando is more of a transition for me than an actual place to settle down, so i have been reluctant to really invest in friendships. plus, the city is not know for its depth. my dietitian, who is from arizona, and i were talking in session the other day about my hesitancy to make friends here, and she told me that even after being here 7 years, she still doesn't feel like she is connected like she was in arizona. i get it. i know what it feels like. i grew up here but most of the people i went to school with either left or i lost touch with a long time ago. i've been gone for 7 years so coming back is different. i know the city and have lots of memories here, but it still feels new to me, almost.
so i say all that to emphasize just how important the relationships i have/had with people from college or graduate school or treatment are to me. and hopefully that explains why it hurts to see those relationships becoming more distant.
i miss having someone to talk to and turn to when i needed a good laugh, or a good cry. i miss calling someone just to talk with nothing in particular to say. i miss the closeness i once felt with several people in my life. it definitely impacts my mood, though i'm trying to remind myself that those relationships were there when i needed them and i can learn to make due without them, or without them playing such an important role in my life. i also have to remind myself that i'm here in orlando for a time of transition, and quite possibly will be moving for nursing school in the near future, where i will be able to make new relationships and open up a new chapter of my life.
maybe that is it.
maybe i am finally closing these chapters of my life in preparation to take on a new and exciting adventure..a new beginning...a new chapter.
loss has always been hard for me, so why would this be any different? it isn't, but what has changed is me. i am more secure in who i am and therefore can be okay with change. imagine that, me okay with change? who would have ever known? no one said change is easy, but i will definitely persevere.
so there it is, i'm feeling lonely.
but loneliness doesn't have to be a bad thing. i'm learning to be okay with being with myself. not by myself, but sitting with myself.
i will be okay.
scratch that - i AM okay.
<3
Leah Beth,
ReplyDeleteI too am in a similar place. I have no friends that live near me anymore. I have friends across the states but none close. I have felt very lonely recently but I think you are right. I think this is a time of growth while I (and you) prepare for a new chapter in life. It is lonely but I believe that something can be learned from my loneliness. Thank you for sharing. This post really touched my heart.
-Kate
I totally get it! I just moved to AZ and I have met one person but we don't hang out much. I don't have a job yet and hubby works a lot so I frequently spend my day sitting at home by myself. I think things will get better though :)
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky to have made a new group of friends when I moved home after college, but I know that what I fell into is rare. I happened to have one good friend, and I was quickly accepted into her group of friends. Despite this, I do have friends in many other parts of the country who I wish DESPERATELY lived closer, because they "get" me in a way that not even my amazing friends here do (just bc they can't fully understand something they haven't experienced, especially with ED's).
ReplyDeleteI can completely understand that is a situational thing, and trust me, it has NOTHING to do with you. If I lived in Orlando, I would hang out with you in a heart beat!! But it is hard moving home after college and being away for so long. It was extremely awkward when I had my first encounter with what is now my new group of friends. Some of them (cough my now ex and his brother cough) "jokingly" poked fun at me, what I wore, and how I was a book worm in school. The old me would have taken it, but I decided to give them "shit" back :P It ended up working out in my favor bc they saw that I DO have a sense of humor and HAVE changed a lot.
I truly hope that you are able to move away to Nursing school soon (TRUST me, you will make a lot of friends in that major). Oddly enough, the people I am VERY good friends with now were the ones I avoided and sort of "looked down" upon for their "trouble making" tendencies in HS. Do you have a friend that you might consider hanging out with down there, even one (which was my case, I had ONE person I would hang out with) can open up new doors. I don't know if this is what you want to do, but I found that having just one friend around me opened me up to meeting so many people, because I would meet their friends, the friends of their friends, etc.
I'm not trying to minimize your feelings, and I hope it didn't come off that way. I just hate to see friends hurting and wish that I could do something to help. I think how I've changed from HS to college to after college has really taught me that it is never to late to find amazing friends. And I have no doubt that you will do that, regardless of where you are.
<3 <3
Katie