i want to take a second to talk honestly about some of the fears i'm currently struggling with.
as some may already know, i will be arriving in Tulsa in 3 weeks to visit with some amazing friends and share my recovery story at family week. though i am thoroughly excited for the opportunity to speak, and it makes me feel an intense sense of pride to have been asked to speak, i worry that i will not do the recovery journey justice. i am so afraid of painting this impossibly perfect picture of recovery for fear that if i don't then people might see right through me and realize that my own journey has not been perfect. i suppose this is the perfectionist in me even beginning to worry and stress, but nevertheless i am nervous. i still feel like i have to appear perfect in order to "prove" my recovery because heaven forbid i'm not perfect and make mistakes and slips. yet part of honestly sharing the journey and the complete struggle it was to get me to where i am today means talking about the not-so-wonderful moments along with the great moments. maybe not in front of everyone, but i have to at least get honest with myself. because of my perfectionistic nature, i consider myself a wonderful artist. yes, i paint canvases and such, but more than that i paint pictures, illusions rather. illusions of all days amazing and wonderful when, in fact, most days are either mundane or downright hard. yes, i find things have gotten easier with time, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't still struggle at least mentally. my struggles may not look like they did when i was so physically sick, but they are very similar. instead of controlling my food, i tend to try and control my future. seriously? who can control their future to the second? i surely can't. and instead of being perpetually anxious over every bite i put in my mouth (though i do still have occasional food anxieties) i get anxious about social relationships, school, and finances. i know that worrying about finances and relationships are normal, and are generally okay things for me to worry about until i take them to the extreme and panic. i do deal with the normal ups and downs of life, and can honestly say that things have improved greatly...i just don't want to convey that life is going to be all daisies and roses. i know it won't, and i don't want to get any hopes up that they will never again struggle or get anxious or go through another bout of depression. instead, i want to convey a sense of hope. hope that things can and WILL get better. that it will take time and lots and lots of hard work and tears, but that it IS possible to get their lives back. i want to be an example of a work in progress, not some plaster already finished masterpiece. in fact, i hope that i always consider myself a work in progress because i will continually push myself to better myself and my life and be a better person.
so, i rambled on to just be honest. no, everything has not been perfect since discharging and beginning my recovery journey, but things have drastically improved. i will do my very best at family week to provide hope, be an example, and be transparent. i have always felt that my calling was to help others dealing with the same issues, and when graduate school refused to readmit me to my therapy program i thought that calling must have been so off. i'm finding out each and every day that i couldn't be farther from wrong. just by being open and supportive and staying connected, i am helping people. there is no greater joy in my life right now than knowing that i can impact others and make a difference. i wish i would wrap up each and every one of the women i have met along the way in a massive hug and let them know that we, we are all going to be okay.
we will...all be okay.
thanks for letting me open up a little bit :)
<3
Leah beth, I literally started crying while reading this. I think that at least for me, it is helpful to hear about both the ups and the downs of recovery because when people talk about sunshine and roses, I tune out because it sounds like something way off in the distance that isn't achievable for me. But when I read your blog about both the honest reality that it is still hard and the amazing reality that it is much better, I feel hopeful, like maybe I can achieve that too. So know that you have helped at least one person by honestly sharing your story. Sending love and hugs your way <3
ReplyDeleteI think it's really important for you to share the reality of recovery. Making it sound easy won't help them. They need to know that they are going to slip every once in awhile, and that they are going to struggle with their thoughts because if they only hear how easy it is, they will wonder why they aren't getting the same results and then, what's the point in trying? I think struggling is okay! You are the perfect version of yourself, you don't need anyone else's approval :) I am glad that this has only reaffirmed what you want to do! I think being honest will help you too!! Thanks for opening up :)
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