yesterday was hard. actually, it was really hard. not only was i still struggling with the underlying feelings of loneliness, but as i was reviewing my transcripts while filling out a nursing application i discovered that chemistry was one of the classes i lost when i withdrew at the end of my freshman year of college to go to treatment. my nice, neat little plan for completing prereqs and starting school changed, and i now have new obstacles and things to work out now. today, i am looking at the situation with a much clearer head but yesterday it seemed like a total catastrophe. i tried explaining how i felt to someone, but no one really gets it. it's not about the extra step in the process of getting to nursing school and it's not about not having much to do with my life (okay, it is somewhat but that's not the real issue here). what it all boils down to is a deep sadness at all that has been lost because of the years i spent entrenched in an eating disorder. i've grieved parts and pieces of my life that i've wasted, but not all of it. years and years have been spent simply fighting for my life, and now that i have my life back i just want things to be easier. i know, trust me i know, that every day is not going to be daisies and roses and most days probably will be mundane...i'm not looking for a life that consists of total excitement every single day. i'm just looking for things to just let up from time to time.
i find all this hard to talk about because people with perfectly good intentions tell me things like it could be worse, or i'm not really trying, or i'm being irrational. i don't want to be told that my feelings are essentially wrong. i want someone to say "it's going to be okay" or "you have a right to your feelings." or "i may not understand by i'm here for you." i've always wanted that - just simple reassurance that things will be okay and to know that i have someone on my side who may not agree with my feelings or think they are rational but are willing to just be there for me anyway.
anyway, i ended up crying enough to fill up the nile river yesterday, or at least it sure felt that way. once i started crying, it was like i hadn't cried in months and it all came flowing out. i always had a hard time identifying my feelings, but i've gotten so much better at being able to decipher what exactly i feel and yesterday, i felt lonely and sad, nostalgic, and bittersweet. i know that life is better today than i ever thought it would be and i know that i must continually focus on the future rather than looking back but from time to time i am reminded of what could have been or would have been. for example, last night i came home to a letter from the dean of the graduate school at USM letting me know that the timeframe to complete my master's was growing smaller and because i left in good standing they were inviting me back to finish my degree. that was like rubbing salt in a wound, my wounded heart. you see, it is my department head that determines whether i can finish or not, so getting that letter yet knowing that there is no way they are letting me back in was just a blow to the stomach. things like that remind me of how life could have been if i hadn't had to leave to seek treatment. so now i am faced with a choice. i can stay stuck and sad and bitter about the rejections, or i can let it go. i can't get stuck in regret, but i can acknowledge that and use it as motivation to continue doing what i am doing today. moving forward is all about making choices.
okay, enough philosophical emotional rambling. onto the fun stuff...
the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day ended on a much better note. i got myself composed and pulled together in time to meet two girls from class for dinner at tijuana flats and then went rock climbing afterwards. i had a blast! not to mention, rock climbing lends to so many life lessons. i always have anxiety because i have an issue with heights, so forcing myself to take on more step, or reach up a little higher is a real challenge. we got there and started off with some easier walls to get one of my friends acclaimated. i was feeling particularly anxious so i told myself i'd just stick with those walls. yet after i climbed the first wall, i told myself that i could do it even if i didn't think i could. i forced myself to try. i tried different ways to get up the wall, took different paths, and definitely took some risks. life is about taking risks, reaching up, and doing the things you think you cannot do. and let me tell you, getting to the top each time was total victory. sometimes, my foot would slip off a rock, yet i had trust in my friends who didn't let me fall. each slip was a slight setback, but i got back up and continued to make my way up the wall. we will all slip, but hopefully we will have enough support around us to help us get back up and push forward. you can learn so much about life and about yourself when climbing. i recommend it to everyone!
anyway, that is about it for my update.
hope everyone is doing well.
<3
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