beach bumming for the weekend...

back from being at the beach all weekend and have some free time so i thought i would update :)
the beach was wonderful! i love living so close that i can go for a day or for a weekend. living in orlando, i often forget just how close the beach is, and how relaxing it is when i make it out there! anyway, my mom and i went over to the condo saturday through today, and got a chance to rest and relax. of course, i got sunburned, but i felt so at ease and at peace. i was kind of nervous about going, as it was the first time i'd been in a bathing suit this summer, but made a deal with myself that i wasn't going to be critical but rather work on accepting myself as i am. i also didn't bring any cardigans to cover up the scars, which was a huge challenge but felt so good. i hate that i feel i must limit what i wear because i have to hide and cover up the scars. i know that they mark my past and where i have come from, and i'm much better at accepting them, but others aren't quite so accepting or understanding which can make certain encounters pretty awkward. try explaining that to people. no thanks. anyway, i just let myself be free this weekend.
i did have a tough evening yesterday. after receiving a pretty rude and purposely hurtful comment from someone, i began to question how i see myself in the mirror. i was just beginning to see in the mirror that i was thin and not overweight, but suddenly started to doubt that what i was seeing was true. i became terrified that i had somehow developed reverse body image distortion and saw myself as thinner than everyone else sees me. i even went so far as to check out my worries with two of my closest friends. they told me that i was definitely not seeing some distortion, that others see me as thin as well. even though i know that i am in my weight range, on the lower end where my dietitian wants me, and eating well and far from overweight by BMI standards, i started to wonder what was behind that sudden doubt. yes, though i did my very best to ignore that stupid comment, it still rang in my head but i also think that i'm just not totally comfortable with my newfound sense of confidence yet. the farther away from the eating disorder i get, the clearer my "distortion lenses" become and the more comfortable i become in my skin. yet being comfortable in my skin is a new concept and so it takes some getting used to. don't get me wrong, i LOVE it. i just have to remind myself that it is normal to begin seeing myself more realistically, and not some trick that my brain is playing on me to somehow sabotage me.
i do believe i may just be getting healthier by the day!
i will say that i totally rocked the blue and white polka dot bikini, even if i may not be what society considers "beautiful." i mean, who decided that they get to determine what is and is not beautiful. i think that everyone is beautiful in their own way, and the fact that we are all so different makes us that much more beautiful. i say beauty comes from within, a testament to true character.
so, the beach trip was fun, relaxing, and worth it. i was quite sad to leave this morning, but it's back to reality and back to school for me. gotta knock out these summer classes so i can finally start my life!
well, that's about it for now.
hope y'all are well!
LOVE.