"Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your attitude. I like fun.”

it has been a LONG day.
i worked from 1-8, though i didn't end up leaving until 8:30 because we were so abnormally busy. i enjoy work and like the people i work with, but today was a tough day. it was the first not-so-great day and i ended up leaving feeling stressed, tired, and frustrated.
first off, when working a 7-7.5 hour shift, a break should be mandated. yet, i didn't get a break. not even a 10 minute break to rest my feet. mondays and fridays at the bank are always the busiest days of the week, as they are big deposit and paycheck days, but this monday was particularly busy. we had non-stop traffic flow in both the lobby and the drive thru and happened to be short staffed by one, so it left us each to do more work. i've been pretty good about getting my transactions completed correctly and staying in balance but today the business had me pretty anxious and i ended up doing a make change transaction backwards. nothing major and nothing that i couldn't go back and fix, but i got yelled at for doing it backwards. my supervisor proceeded to say "why do you ALWAYS do this?!" in a very short, very exasperated tone. i know that she had been there all day and was already exhausted from the constant work, and was stressed about being left short handed so she lost her temper with me. i can see her perspective and understand where she was coming from, i still got my feelings hurt. afterall, i had never made that kind of mistake before so her phrasing felt unwarranted. i work hard and i aim to do my work correctly, and my gosh i am in my second week of working out of my own teller drawer. i'm going to make mistakes. i know all of this yet i still felt like i was going to burst into tears. maybe it was because i was already overwhelmed and stressed from it being so busy or maybe it was hormones, or maybe it was the fact that i am a perfectionist and hate to do anything wrong let alone disappoint someone. needless to say, i was a little flustered after that and began to feel super stressed and paranoid about my work and whether or not i was doing things correctly. i love the fast paced nature of the job and though it is a stressful job i do enjoy it. i just hate days like today when work just sucks and i feel like nothing i do is ever good enough. i'm sure tomorrow will be better though.
on a totall random note, my roommate (my third roommate and friend) is getting home in less than an hour from a 6 week euro/lebanon traveling escapade and i so cannot wait. we are both in recovery and will be very good supports for each other. we are also both in similar spots right now so having her here to help me stay accountable will be wonderful. not to mention, she is going to cook all of her delish lebanese recipes for me...nom nom. i just can't wait for her to get back and for us to be roommates in the same country, haha.

body image is still kind of rough, though slowly getting better now that i'm nearing the end of my period. i hate this time of the month because regardless of how far along in my recovery i may be, it still manages to screw with me. i can think about all the logic of water retention and such but to actually believe it during that week each month seems impossible. so yea, body image is slowly getting somewhat better. i see my dietitian tomorrow, so we will see what she has to say. i'm ready to see my therapist on thursday. i cancelled our last appointment to try and save some money, so now i feel like i have lots and lots to say to her this week.

otherwise, i'm doing pretty well. moods seem to have stablized out some, though not as optimistic as i prefer, haha. but at least i'm not so up and down. i think that might have been hormonal. i've got a pretty busy week ahead of me, but i keep reminding myself that busy means money and money means fun ;) plus, i'd rather be busy than bored any day.
guess that is about it. hope everyone is doing well!
<3

short and sweet, or not-so-sweet

i feel gross.
i've been super hungry for the last week or so, and i've eaten just about everything i was craving which is fine, but it has left me feeling pretty guilty and very, very uncomfortable in my skin. i hate feeling guilty for eating when it is such a natural, mandatory act but regardless, i do.
i just feel like i've been out of control with my eating. logically, i know this isn't true but it 'feels' that way.
anyway, i guess between feeling bloated from eating and bloated from my period i just feel gross in general.
short and sweet post, but i needed to get that out.

discontent...

i'm struggling with doubting some of the recommendations of my treatment team.
my dietitian is saying i could stand to gain a few pounds, yet two of my old treatment team members that i saw this week both said i looked beautiful, healthy, and one even said "so glad there is something there to hug now. and just enough, too." if people look at me and i look fine then why do i need to change anything or do anything differently? i'm really struggling with this, as the idea of gaining ANYTHING scares the living daylights out of me. i'm not saying that i want to be out of my weight range or that i want to lose weight, i just don't want to gain. i'd be happy and content sitting exactly where i am weight wise. i am doing well in all the other areas of my life and my recovery in general is going well, so why change something that is working just fine? i guess i'm just wondering who i should trust and what i do from here. i've been really trying to follow the recommendations and abide by the increases and such, but i tend to feel guilty afterwards as it seems unnatural to eat when i don't even feel hungry. i still struggle with being in tune to my hunger and fullness cues, especially when stressed or anxious which i am right now, and it tends to take more effort to remember to eat when i don't really have an appetite. of course, this past week i've been feeling super hungry, but i'm pretty sure that is because i started my period today. oh, the joys of womanhood...gotta love it.
anyway, i guess i'm just having a difficult time figuring out where my body really wants to sit and what my needs really are. i'm also in one of my weird funks where everything eating disorder and laureate and past patient related annoys me. i'm in that "i want to cancel all of my appointments and stop seeing anyone related to laureate" mode. i know i can't just up and stop appointments, but that is how i'm feeling these days.
now don't get me wrong, i am grateful to have a support team again. i am grateful that people can see me as happy and healthy. that is a definite improvement since last year. i'm grateful to still be in recovery. i have a lot to be thankful for, actually. i try not to lose sight of those things even when i feel discontent. i'm really working on my glass-half-full thinking!
on a different note, i did well with setting boundaries today. i've been hormonal and crabby today, given starting, and i just wasn't in the mood for talking this afternoon to really anyone, so i told a friend who sent me a text that i just didn't have the energy to talk. small step, but definitely a boundary set.
i'm working. that is the important thing. i will never stop working on recovery. as long as i'm working, i'm moving forward.

too tired to think of something creative...

i've been feeling so perpetually tired these days.
i try and get decent sleep, but i'm having issues with that right now so it leaves me in a constant state of playing catch-up. i think the fatigue is messing with my mood too, because i'm super irritated lately.
i'm also really trying to combat the negative body image but it's hard lately.
my dietitian is trying to get my weight back up, yet the other treatment professionals that i still have relationships with have all given me amazing feedback about how great i look. if i look so great then why should i have to gain? why not just let me sit where i am? i feel very confused, as i am getting mixed messages from people. i mean, i will do it if that is what is best for me and my body, but clearly i don't look like i need any of that back. i'm just not sure what is the real truth.
otherwise, i'm doing alright. i've been battling a bit of the blues the last several days but trying to keep my spirits lifted. having a work routine and spending time with people even when i don't want to have helped that process along. i finally called and made a psych appointment so i can talk about some of these weird mood shifts.
so, in other news, i've been thinking a lot about the definition of recovery. i've seen a few people from my old treatment team lately and been pretty honest about how things are going (which generally are going well with only a few struggle areas) and they've all said how proud of me they are, how happy i look, and how well i'm doing. i'm one to think black and white and always assume that recovery has to look a certain way or be free of struggles or mean that every aspect of my life is going well. to hear professionals tell me that my recovery is going well and i'm doing well despite the bumps fells foreign and confusing and good, all at the same time. i have permission to NOT be perfect. i have permission to just be myself. i have permission to lower my standards a little. i think it takes a lot of the pressure off and actually allows me to be more recovery-oriented and spend less time trying to be perfect. how refreshing.
i know i'm jumping topics a lot, but that is how my brain is working tonight. anyway, i was at work and we were all goofing off and talking about what we did the day before so i mentioned i had been to an appointment. my supervisor said "girl, you have doctors appointments every day! what is wrong with you?" in a joking manner, so i responded with "it's long and complicated, are you sure you want to know?" and she said yes, if i wanted to tell her. we were laid back enough that i felt i could tell them and be honest, so i took a risk and did. i told her (and another teller) that i am in recovery from an eating disorder so i have various appointments, plus i have some medical appointments, too. and surprise! no one looked at me any differently or judged me or anything like i had feared. they were kind of like "okay, cool" and then we started joking about something else. it feels so good to not have to hide my secret anymore. and i have a better chance of getting in my breaks now! progress.
today was definite progress, even if i do feel all moody and irritable tonight :)
i'm working hard on trying to find the positive in each day, so that was the positive for the day!
anyway, love y'all and hope you are well.

days like today...

hello, lovelies :)
hope everyone is well.

today, i stepped out of my comfort zone.
today, i pushed my pride aside and reached out when i was struggling.
if you read my previous entry, you know that i'm struggling with some mood extremes, and that i've been feeling down the last two days. today has been especially hard.
the day started off great. i picked up a friend and we got breakfast before trying out a new church. We then went to target to get her poor car towed, tried to get some lunch in super fast (imagine two people with celiac trying to stay close to a parking lot in case the tow truck arrived and the only available foods consisted of McDonald's, Arby's and a smoothie cafe) and then took her home.
by the time i got home i was exhausted, and my brain was reeling over how tight my finances are right now, whether nursing school is feasible, and how i'm going to manage living out here. i just wanted to sleep, so i took an anxiety pill to help ease my racing brain and went to bed. of course, i woke up way sooner than i wanted to and was just edgy. a friend had messaged me on facebook telling me something and it just irked me. don't even know why, but it did. that's when i realized i just didn't feel right.
and i began to cry.
i haven't cried in months, so it felt a little foreign.
i wasn't even sure why i was crying, as i couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but i just knew i needed to cry and get something out.
so i did.
along with the tears came some pretty high urges. honestly, i haven't had such intense urges in a while, so in stead of acting on them i sent a text to a friend just letting her know that i was having urges and asked her if i could call if i needed to. i've yet to need to make that phone call, but i'm so glad i was brave enough to open up that door.
there are always going to be tough days, and sometimes, like today, they come out of nowhere and blindside you. but they don't always have to take you down.
i'm learning that i have the strength to make it through days like today, even when i doubt my own abilities.
with a little effort and a little self-restraint, the feelings pass and i begin to feel like "me" again.

new job, new stress, new challenges...

hello, darlings :)
well, what a week.
my first week at the branch flew by!
today was my first day working out of my very own teller drawer, which was anxiety provoking but also exciting, too. i felt like a real bank teller today. not going to lie, it is exhausting to be on my feet for that long, as i'm not used to standing all day. overall, i'm enjoying the job. the only downside is that i don't get a lunch break/dinner break (depending on the shift) so it makes it hard to get in all of my exchanges consistently throughout the day. what happened this week was that i ended up having to cram down all of my lunch, PM snack, dinner and HS snack exchanges between 4pm and bedtime. it ended up feeling more like a binge than enjoyable eating. it definitely makes getting in all of my exchanges difficult, to say the least.
activity wise, i've been pretty moderate lately! i've managed to find more enjoyable ways to exercise, such as biking and walking the trails, versus running on a treadmill constantly. it varies up my routine and helps me not get too bored or obsessive.
moods.
well, that is a whole different ball game. i've been lucky and haven't had a severe depressive episode in months, but what i failed to notice while trying to be aware of any depression creeping back in is that i'm having a hard time sitting still, resting, and not constantly doing something. i feel like i can just go and go and go. my body is physically exhausted but my energy level doesn't seem to drop when i get tired. someone asked me, jokingly, if i was manic. i definitely think i'm on the other end of the spectrum.
all is great and well, right?
not really. my periods of energy and liveliness and no sleep usually end with a crash. i've been feeling such a sense of energy for at least a month that it just seemed normal. and i thought it was, until today. thankfully, i didn't crash hard but i've definitely hit the ground. the depression is sinking in, the hopelessness about my future (how on earth am i going to afford nursing school? why even bother applying?) and the sudden lack of energy. i hate the extremes. i feel much more comfortable residing somewhere in the middle.
i guess i should make a psych appointment, since i've yet to do that in the time that i've been in tulsa. not only will i eventually need current medication refills but it would be nice to have someone to talk to about the moods. i don't know why i constantly procrastinate one thing and not another, but making the doctors appointment is something i've been procrastinating, along with various other things. i'm going to do it, though. monday.
body image is bleh. i've been feeling pretty uncomfortable in my skin. maybe it is because i feel like i'm crawling out of my skin, or maybe it's because i still have issues with what i see in the mirror. i'm doing the very best i can to combat the bad body image, like wearing shorts when i hate my legs, or wearing a tank top when i think my arms look flabby. remuda taught me to "act opposite." essentially, they taught me to do the thing i least want to do, as it would be challenging and eventually rewarding. not sure i see the reward yet, but i can definitely feel the challenge. needless to say, i'm continuing to press on toward the goal.
so, that kind of sums up my week. sorry, i've been super busy, otherwise i'd have updated sooner.
hope everyone has a safe and wonderful saturday night.
loves.

just because you lose the battle doesn't mean you've lost the war...

this is pretty raw for me, but i wrote this because eating disorder recovery doesn't mean the eating disordered thoughts simply disappear.
i wrote this in an attempt to show that recovery isn't always daisies and roses...but if you just keep fighting, just keep pushing through, you can make it.
at the end of the day, recovery is possible.

7:01 AM.

Disoriented and exhausted from a fitful night of sleep, I roll over and hit the snooze button on my beeping alarm clock. It will beep again in exactly 9 minutes, precisely 7:10 AM. I have to get out of bed within a minute because I feel best when I can get up at an even integer. I manage to locate my glasses, throw on my robe, and walk downstairs to the bathroom without tumbling down the stairs…it’s a miracle. I go to the bathroom then head straight for the full length mirror. I turn to the side and check my stomach to see if it is protruding more than the day before, or less than the day before. It baffles me to think a body can stay in one place, stable, without constantly fluctuating up and down.
“I can’t believe you ate all of that yesterday. You need to cut back today.”
“No, that is just silly. I know I need to eat in order to thrive and grow and maintain a sense of freedom.”
And so begins the internal dialogue that has gotten increasingly louder over the past few weeks. It is easier to fight in the morning, while I still have all my strength and energy. I go back upstairs and begin to search my closet for something, anything, that I can feel comfortable in. I throw outfit after outfit on the floor, as they each make me look “fat” or “frumpy” or “sloppy.” Who decided what the definition of fat is, anyway? I settle on a sundress that hides all of my perceived “flaws.”

8:30 AM.
I am running late, as usual. I’m not technically late, as I tend to be painfully early everywhere I go, but I am late by my definition.
“No time to eat. Can’t be late. Just grab your stuff and go. You aren’t hungry anyway.”
“But I’m hungry. I’ll just eat something quick.”
“You function better when you are running on empty, though.”
“Do I? I guess you are right. Wait, no. I know I don’t. Or do I? I’m still going to eat, but maybe I will try testing out that theory tomorrow.”
I do not actually test out the theory. Instead, I grab a bowl, walk to the refrigerator and prepare breakfast as quickly as possible. I stand and eat, inhaling bites of food as fast as my body will allow.
I rinse my dishes, wipe down the counter, grab a bottle of water and go. I can’t think of anything but the breakfast I just consumed so I turn the radio up as loud as it will go, only to drown out the chatter in my brain.

12:45 PM.
“Is it seriously time to eat again? I’m not even hungry. Why does everyone think I need to eat three meals a day, anyway? I mean, why eat if I’m not even hungry?”
“Exactly. Why eat if you aren’t hungry? And you aren’t.”
“I have to eat. I know where not eating has gotten me and I can’t go back there. I hate food. I hate that I need food. I hate that I need. I’m so damn needy.”
And so I stop my day on a dime to digest lunch. I do it because I know I have to, not because I want to. Or do I? Why am I so ashamed to admit that I need food and occasionally enjoy it, too? Logically, I know that eating makes me feel stronger and allows me to continue to function and go about my life, but it seems like such a daunting task sometimes. Yet I do it anyway. I eat my exchanges, all of them. When finished, I run my hands along my rib cage, then down to my hips. This habit of body checking disappeared for a while but has reemerged. It depresses me. I know I need to stop.
“You look disgusting.”
“I know. Wait, no I don’t. I look normal. I’m supposed to look like this, like a woman. After all, I am a woman. I don’t want to look like I did a year ago.”
“A year ago? You weren’t even skinny then. You looked good.”
“I can’t even remember what I looked like then.”
It is true. I can’t remember. It is like I have situational amnesia and my memories of that time are fuzzy, blurry, smeared. I remember the concern but I can’t seem to recall why there was cause for so much concern. I feel discontent and torn between yearning for the old body and grasping at a new life.
5:15 PM.
Just got home. I’m exhausted but I can’t let myself sit. I feel too keyed up and restless to just sit.
“You should go to the gym. You need to work out until you can make that cellulite disappear.”
“Cellulite? Are you sure?”
“Look in the mirror.”
“Oh my gosh, you are right. I’m so embarrassed.”
“Put your running shoes on and go…now.”
“I’m just so tired. I don’t have it in me to be so intense.”
“Well, it’s your loss. You are the one who will have to live with the embarrassing cellulite. Probably shouldn’t wear shorts anymore.”
I settle on going to Riverside to walk. I’m too tired to run. I get home and examine my legs in the mirror. I hate the mirror because I can never trust what I see. But then again, I’m not sure I trust others either. So who do I trust? I know there is no cellulite, but the more I think about it, the more I begin to believe there is. Funny how my brain can play tricks on me like that. I thumb through my closet, picking out my potential outfit for the next day. I’m going to wear shorts.

8:00 PM.
I’m getting tired and it is close to bedtime. I need to grab a snack before bed, as it is not only part of my meal plan but helps my blood sugar levels stay relatively stable overnight. Choosing a snack is the grueling part.
“You need to pick the lowest calorie option. You don’t need sugar because it will keep you up at night, and you don’t need salt as it will cause you to bloat. You don’t need bread because it will expand in your stomach and you don’t need any unnecessary fats as they will make you sluggish. And don’t even think about going for the gluten free donuts that you bought but will never consume. You wasted 6.00 on those.”
“So what can I have?”
“An apple.”
“Okay.”
I get the apple, slice it, cube it, and begin to eat it. I’m not satisfied. I walk to the cupboard and get the peanut butter. I spoon out some peanut butter onto the plate and start dipping my apple.
"Are you serious? Peanut butter, of all things. It is pure fat, with a high sugar content and also contains sodium. Are you trying to blow up like a balloon?”
“SHUT UP.”
I continue to dip my apple in the peanut butter.
Today, I win.

10:30 PM.
Bedtime. I sink into the sheets and pull the covers up to my chin. I can’t seem to find a comfortable position so I settle on my back. Staring up at the ceiling, I exhale a long and satisfying breath and think back about the day. Anyone would be exhausted if they had to constantly fight an internal battle. Just because I battled all day doesn’t mean I lost the war. In fact, I go to bed stronger for having fought so hard.
In fact, I won because I talked back.
Tomorrow, I tell myself, will be easier.
Tomorrow will be another day of winning in recovery.
Tomorrow…
I fall asleep.

"fine"

"We think we are doing fine but we are not doing fine."
Our pastor at church this morning said this in his sermon and it really struck me. He was talking about how sin can keep us from seeing ourselves as we really are.
So do eating disorders, depression, self-centeredness, ______ (insert your affliction here.)
All of these can fool us into thinking we are fine when we actually aren't fine. It reminded me that the best way to stay in recovery is to be honest, to ask for help when needed, and to stop using the word "fine!" Though I am currently doing okay, I still feel like I've set these unreachable standards for myself that I must be "fine" or "good" or "well" each and every day, and must present myself a certain way to the world. Though I feel like this protects not only me but others as well, it is also a way of disguising myself and my true feelings. I often wonder how to go about doing the simplest things, like admitting when I'm having a bad day or am in a bad mood.
It is hard for me to say those things because I feel like they disappoint and let others down, when that is far from the reality. And only by admitting my weaknesses can I really begin to see my true self.
I'm sure I took his statement out of context but I applied it in a way that fits my life at the moment.
I need help letting my guard down and stepping out from behind the facade and being true to myself and my emotions. No one expects me to be perfect, so why should I?
I guess I'm just a pro at setting goals and expectations for myself that I am never going to reach.

My challenge is to work on being honest and not just blurting out the automatic answer to the question "how are you?" It is a challenge, indeed, but I will take it head on.

to be known...

i am so grateful for people in my life who know me almost better than i know myself.
today in my therapy session, as my leg is flying 100 miles an hour and i am twirling the anchor on my necklace incessantly, my therapist stops what she is saying and asks me what i'm so utterly anxious about.
anxious? me? never.
i told her i wasn't anxious and didn't know why she would think so. of course, she pointed out the obvious. as i began to semantically rationalize with her after she asked me to stop and breathe, i found myself saying "when i stop to breathe my heart just races."
anxiety, anyone?
i'm pretty sure that is one of the cardinal signs of anxiety, ha.
so the big question was, what was i so anxious about?
nothing came to mind. i sat searching for an answer to justify my feelings, but i had none. i've had a wonderful day, stayed pretty busy, drank some coffee, and really had no worries or complaints.
so then my therapist said something that totally threw me for a loop. she said, "leah beth, sometimes there is no reason why."
HOLD UP.
therapists and treatment teams have spent years and years connecting behaviors to emotions. wearing headbands was a coping skill, shaking my foot was a sign of anxiety, blinking less frequently meant i was zoning out. after a while i began to believe that every behavior had a corresponding emotion and vice versa. you can see where this concept of emotions just being emotions without a cause sort of rocked my world, so to speak.
sometimes i think we can become over "therapized." don't get me wrong, i still find therapy very helpful but in a different kind of way. initially, it was a quest to find answers and uncover dark truths and figure out healthy vs. unhealthy behaviors. now, we work on management skills. we work on dealing with the day to day and keeping me healthy and well. we spend a lot less time trying to search and dig and deal with things as they come up. i've had to figure out what i want to get from therapy and ask for that, otherwise i might still be stuck somewhere getting mind-probed once a week ;)
other than the anxiety piece, we also talked about my suddenly busy schedule. yes, i've got work to add to my day, but i also manage to find things to fill just about every hour of my day. my therapist questioned my motives for staying busy, but i assured her that it just feels so amazing to actually have a "normal" life. i have friends to do things with, places to go, meals to eat out, and awesome nature surrounding me for my daily enjoyment. i stay busy because i spent so much time over the past year doing the exact opposite and now boredom and downtime feel dull and painful, ha.
don't worry, i recognize the need for balance in my life so i won't let myself get too busy. afterall, i've still got nursing applications to work on and many naps to take :)
life, not just food, is really all about balance, variety, and moderation!

16 months...

today marks 16 months in recovery.
each month, on the 4th, i find myself again amazed at the way my life has unfolded and the journey that i have traveled. it always leaves me with a sense of accomplishment, and also an unfettered sense of motivation and hope. i find myself continually humbled when thinking back about how i got here today and how many people have helped me along the way.
and i am grateful.
i'm grateful for the people in my life, the new opportunities, but most importantly i am grateful for second chances, even when i don't deserve them. things aren't always great, in fact most days in recovery are spent simply feeling okay, but i will take okay over the hell i was trapped in anyday.
i went walking with two of my friends this afternoon and we got to talking about the church sermons we heard this morning at our various churches. my pastor spoke on amazing grace, and at the conclusion of his sermon he said "God did not choose you in spite of your weaknesses, He chose you because of your weaknesses." it brought us so much hope to think that our struggles and trials and times spent hurting and broken are all part of His master plan and how, like with Paul, He has chosen to take the "worst of the worst" to display His abundant love, patience, and mercy. i often find myself wondering how on earth He could use my past, my tainted past, for anything good. but he can and he does...which is so exciting!
i was reminded in our conversations while walking that nothing about me or my past is wasted. God can use every aspect of it for His purposes.
so today, 16 months after taking the first steps toward recovery, i find renewed hope and motivation. i feel stronger and am reminded that it took a lot of hard work to get here and will continue to take hard work to maintain this recovery, but that it doesn't have to be perfect.
recovery is so worth it, even on the "okay" days...don't ever forget that :)