math has never been my strong suit.
maybe it is because math involves such linear concepts that i simply cannot grasp a subject that only involves an A+B=C way of thinking when my brain works much more in a 'A influences B which influences C which could then influence A and everything is intertwined and interrelated and triangulated' kind of way.
yet somehow it is still hard for me to accept that life is not a linear pursuit. life does not exist on a black and white graph mapped out with dots and lines that start at point A and move upwards in a neatly penciled diagonal line, symbolizing a perfect correlation between variable 1 and variable 2. instead, if mapped out with dots and penciled lines i think it would reflect more of a mountain range with peaks and dips and lots of smaller ups and downs in between.
math is very concrete. there is a formula and a solution for just about everything, and i often feel about life the same way i feel about math. it is concrete...black and white. and it leaves no room for error. this is why i have such a hard time asking for help when i need it, admitting that i am struggling, and why i tend to let myself get into ruts and valleys and stay there for far too long before doing something about it. i don't give myself room for error, for mistakes, for a learning curve.
in my linear life quest, i also tend to think that once i've mapped out a certain dot on the graph, i can't backtrack. this is where my pride tends to get me, or rather it did get me this time. i had a really good run with recovery and felt better than i had in my entire life, shared my story with others, and was enjoying life, and then i slipped. i just slipped, which could have easily been fixed had i put my pride aside long enough to admit that i had slipped. but i felt like i couldn't admit that because i had already grown and "recovered" past the point of needing to admit slips or even having weaknesses. silly me. really, all i had done was switch from feeling like i had to be perfect in other areas of my life to feeling like i had to maintain a perfect recovery. i should have allowed myself a little room for grace.
recovery, nor life, will ever be a linear journey. it will never be found on the pages of a graph paper booklet in some 10th grade geometry classroom. it is a series of peaks and valleys, of map dots that are often traced and retraced over and over again, sometimes even erased (or at least it feels that way) until lessons are learned. it is much more exciting than right angles and triangles and theoretical formulas, too.
hindsight is always 20/20...looking back, i can see now that trying to maintain the perfect recovery actually hindered me instead of helped me. trying to maintain a facade of strength when true strength would have meant reaching out to someone sooner slowed the process down. keeping my head stuck in the sand instead of acknowledging signs only kept me stuck in a pile of denial way longer than necessary. and trying to do recovery alone, on my own, kept me from actually benefiting from some the joys that recovery can bring to life.
i'm using my hindsight information to help make my future a little better.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
born again...
The Chick being born ~
Every crack is also an opening.
When in the midst of great change, it is helpful to remember how a chick is born. From the view of the chick, it is a terrifying struggle. Confined and curled in a dark shell, half-formed, the chick eats all its food and stretches to the contours of its shell. It begins to feel hungry and cramped. Eventually, the chick begins to starve and feels suffocated by the ever-shrinking space of its world.
Finally, its own growth begins to crack the shell, and the world as the chick knows it is coming to an end. Its sky is falling. As the chick wriggles through the cracks, it begins to eat its shell. In that moment – growing but fragile, starving and cramped, its world breaking – the chick must feel like it is dying. Yet once everything it has relied on falls away, the chick is born. It doesn’t die, but falls into the world.
The lesson is profound. Transformation always involves the falling away of things we have relied on, and we are left with a feeling that the world as we know it is coming to an end, because it is.
Yet the chick offers us the wisdom that the way to be born while still alive is to eat our own shell. When faced with great change – in self, in relationship, in our sense of calling – we somehow must take in all that has enclosed us, nurtured us, incubated us, so when the new life is upon us, the old is within us.
i know i have posted this in the past, or at least i think i have, but when i discharged from laureate my therapist wrote this out for me and i've held onto it ever since. i've heard various metaphors for change and transformation but this one stands out. maybe it is because it is more visual than the others, or maybe it is more representative of the painstaking process involved in changing, or maybe it is because it accurately represents all that is involved in life-altering transformation. i'm not exactly sure what it is, but it has made a difference for me and so here i am, posting it again because i'm finding it helpful and meaningful yet again.
i think changing patterns and ways of thinking, dealing, and coping that have been default for over a decade has got to be one of the scariest things i've ever been asked to do. it means completely defying nature essentially, going against all logic, and doing things that are totally out of my comfort zone. it means giving up the familiar to leap into unfamiliar territory without knowing what lies ahead. it means jumping off of a perfectly good cliff into mid air and having no idea if i will even gently land, feet first, on solid ground or if i will just fall flat on my face. it is terrifying, to say the least.
yet it is necessary.
i think one of the big reasons that i prefer the comfort of the familiar, even if it is a painful sort of comfort, is because is assures me that i will not have to face the big unknown. i will not have to potentially encounter things i am unsure if i can handle or deal with. i will not have to worry about if i am smart enough or strong enough or responsible enough to conquer the great big world. fear holds me back from moving forward. i've come to realize this over the past few years and it is a sad realization.
i want to change this. i want to be that chick that, though scared and unsure, continues to chip away at its shell until it breaks free and breaks into a brand new world.
it involves a long and tiring process of change and i often find myself getting frustrated that the transformation doesn't just happen overnight. i guess if it did happen overnight i would never learn anything about myself or the journey and wouldn't become any stronger throughout it.
okay, i will quit rambling now.
change is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be a miserable process. yes, it is often hard and can seem daunting from time to time, but if we adjust our lenses and change our perspectives just a bit it can also be a beautiful journey.
much love,
LB
Every crack is also an opening.
When in the midst of great change, it is helpful to remember how a chick is born. From the view of the chick, it is a terrifying struggle. Confined and curled in a dark shell, half-formed, the chick eats all its food and stretches to the contours of its shell. It begins to feel hungry and cramped. Eventually, the chick begins to starve and feels suffocated by the ever-shrinking space of its world.
Finally, its own growth begins to crack the shell, and the world as the chick knows it is coming to an end. Its sky is falling. As the chick wriggles through the cracks, it begins to eat its shell. In that moment – growing but fragile, starving and cramped, its world breaking – the chick must feel like it is dying. Yet once everything it has relied on falls away, the chick is born. It doesn’t die, but falls into the world.
The lesson is profound. Transformation always involves the falling away of things we have relied on, and we are left with a feeling that the world as we know it is coming to an end, because it is.
Yet the chick offers us the wisdom that the way to be born while still alive is to eat our own shell. When faced with great change – in self, in relationship, in our sense of calling – we somehow must take in all that has enclosed us, nurtured us, incubated us, so when the new life is upon us, the old is within us.
i know i have posted this in the past, or at least i think i have, but when i discharged from laureate my therapist wrote this out for me and i've held onto it ever since. i've heard various metaphors for change and transformation but this one stands out. maybe it is because it is more visual than the others, or maybe it is more representative of the painstaking process involved in changing, or maybe it is because it accurately represents all that is involved in life-altering transformation. i'm not exactly sure what it is, but it has made a difference for me and so here i am, posting it again because i'm finding it helpful and meaningful yet again.
i think changing patterns and ways of thinking, dealing, and coping that have been default for over a decade has got to be one of the scariest things i've ever been asked to do. it means completely defying nature essentially, going against all logic, and doing things that are totally out of my comfort zone. it means giving up the familiar to leap into unfamiliar territory without knowing what lies ahead. it means jumping off of a perfectly good cliff into mid air and having no idea if i will even gently land, feet first, on solid ground or if i will just fall flat on my face. it is terrifying, to say the least.
yet it is necessary.
i think one of the big reasons that i prefer the comfort of the familiar, even if it is a painful sort of comfort, is because is assures me that i will not have to face the big unknown. i will not have to potentially encounter things i am unsure if i can handle or deal with. i will not have to worry about if i am smart enough or strong enough or responsible enough to conquer the great big world. fear holds me back from moving forward. i've come to realize this over the past few years and it is a sad realization.
i want to change this. i want to be that chick that, though scared and unsure, continues to chip away at its shell until it breaks free and breaks into a brand new world.
it involves a long and tiring process of change and i often find myself getting frustrated that the transformation doesn't just happen overnight. i guess if it did happen overnight i would never learn anything about myself or the journey and wouldn't become any stronger throughout it.
okay, i will quit rambling now.
change is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be a miserable process. yes, it is often hard and can seem daunting from time to time, but if we adjust our lenses and change our perspectives just a bit it can also be a beautiful journey.
much love,
LB
Thursday, January 19, 2012
thankful thursday...
i got this idea from a friend of mine and decided i would give it a try...
thursdays shall be deemed "thankful thursdays."
today, i'm thankful that it was my day off from work.
though i didn't end up feeling as productive as i would have liked or hoped, i still managed to get some things done. i've been awfully tired today and feeling a little off, so i had to push through the sludge of fatigue in order to function and get things done, which took some extra effort.
i slept in until 10 (thank you ambien/klonopin mixture for allowing me to actually sleep!) and then laid around the house until noon drinking coffee and basically being a lazy bum. it's always nice to bum it in the mornings, especially when i know i have absolutely nothing of importance to do all day. when i finally got myself up and moving, i drove to the mall to exchange a pair of jeans and look around. i was hoping to exchange a blazer i had bought, but didn't find anything that i thought was any cuter so i just stuck with the original blazer. i did, however, manage to find some awesome hair accessories and a retro pair of black and white striped earrings. love me some cheap forever 21 accessories. i wandered aimlessly around the mall for a while just to kill some time and then decided that i was too tired to continue my destinationless quest so i headed back home. got home and played with the dog for a little while and then mustered up enough energy to get outside and go for a walk. the weather turned off super nice today and the afternoon was breezy but semi-warm...great walking weather. i changed up my playlist and got to listen to some music i hadn't heard in a while. it's always funny when a song comes on that speaks to exactly what you are feeling or experiencing at that moment. i love it when that happens. after i got back home from my walk i fixed some dinner and then tried to clean my room. fail. i got one small section picked up and hung up and then got distracted, go figure. i ended up making bracelets with the new beads i bought. they are cute and i was technically productive but it wasn't what i needed to be doing. somehow i always manage to procrastinate the cleaning of the room. it just gets so dang overwhelming. oh well, i will try again later and see if i can't get a little more picked up. all in moderation, right?
now i'm about ready to get a shower and head to bed. i need to get some sleep and see if i can shake this fatigue by tomorrow. i'm telling you, it has felt like the longest week ever. thank goodness i don't go into work until 3 tomorrow. i still have a morning of time and relaxation left before another day at work. in the spirit of thankful thursdays, i am thankful that i have a job that pays bills though ;)
so, other than enjoying my day off and relaxing maybe a little too much today, i'm doing alright. i'm hanging in there and just trying to get through the days. i've been feeling a little off physically so i may try and get in with a PCP next week if i have time. otherwise, all is fairly well.
hope y'all have a great thursday and can find something in your day that made it special or meaningful.
much love,
LB
thursdays shall be deemed "thankful thursdays."
today, i'm thankful that it was my day off from work.
though i didn't end up feeling as productive as i would have liked or hoped, i still managed to get some things done. i've been awfully tired today and feeling a little off, so i had to push through the sludge of fatigue in order to function and get things done, which took some extra effort.
i slept in until 10 (thank you ambien/klonopin mixture for allowing me to actually sleep!) and then laid around the house until noon drinking coffee and basically being a lazy bum. it's always nice to bum it in the mornings, especially when i know i have absolutely nothing of importance to do all day. when i finally got myself up and moving, i drove to the mall to exchange a pair of jeans and look around. i was hoping to exchange a blazer i had bought, but didn't find anything that i thought was any cuter so i just stuck with the original blazer. i did, however, manage to find some awesome hair accessories and a retro pair of black and white striped earrings. love me some cheap forever 21 accessories. i wandered aimlessly around the mall for a while just to kill some time and then decided that i was too tired to continue my destinationless quest so i headed back home. got home and played with the dog for a little while and then mustered up enough energy to get outside and go for a walk. the weather turned off super nice today and the afternoon was breezy but semi-warm...great walking weather. i changed up my playlist and got to listen to some music i hadn't heard in a while. it's always funny when a song comes on that speaks to exactly what you are feeling or experiencing at that moment. i love it when that happens. after i got back home from my walk i fixed some dinner and then tried to clean my room. fail. i got one small section picked up and hung up and then got distracted, go figure. i ended up making bracelets with the new beads i bought. they are cute and i was technically productive but it wasn't what i needed to be doing. somehow i always manage to procrastinate the cleaning of the room. it just gets so dang overwhelming. oh well, i will try again later and see if i can't get a little more picked up. all in moderation, right?
now i'm about ready to get a shower and head to bed. i need to get some sleep and see if i can shake this fatigue by tomorrow. i'm telling you, it has felt like the longest week ever. thank goodness i don't go into work until 3 tomorrow. i still have a morning of time and relaxation left before another day at work. in the spirit of thankful thursdays, i am thankful that i have a job that pays bills though ;)
so, other than enjoying my day off and relaxing maybe a little too much today, i'm doing alright. i'm hanging in there and just trying to get through the days. i've been feeling a little off physically so i may try and get in with a PCP next week if i have time. otherwise, all is fairly well.
hope y'all have a great thursday and can find something in your day that made it special or meaningful.
much love,
LB
Sunday, January 15, 2012
denial aint just a river...
We deny we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces."
denial is such an easy trap to fall into for so many of us that struggle. what amazes me is that i can still manage to fall into the trap of denial after so many years of dealing with the same struggles. i guess that is what makes an eating disorder so sneaky, cunning, deceiving, and addicting. i am finally realizing that maybe i don't have everything perfectly under my control like i would like to believe.
i was talking with my dietitian this past week and she described it perfectly. she said that one can be on the brink of psychosis in the area of the eating disorder yet have all other areas of their life functioning well and going smoothly, or even going exceptionally well, which makes it that much easier to convince oneself that the particular area of struggle where one might be able to fall off the edge of the cliff is then not such a big deal, because after all, how could it be if everything else is going so well?
this is exactly the trap i have fallen into.
i have convinced myself that because my social life is on par and my job is going well (minus just not loving what i do, haha) and i'm succeeding as a teller, and i'm beginning to think about my future again, that the little ol' eating disorder really isn't that big of a deal and doesn't really deserve much attention or focus or time or energy or effort. when people ask me how i am doing i answer honestly with a "great" or "fine" or "i'm doing really well, thanks." i don't believe i'm lying or being deceptive. i honestly believe it when i say i'm doing well because so many other areas of life are going well, according to society's definition of well. because i am functioning to the degree i am functioning in all other areas of life, i think i have convinced myself as well as others that i'm doing alright. and i think because i struggle so much with body distortion issues that my struggles aren't visible (because i don't notice a change in myself) so why delve into what is really going on in my head and in my heart if i don't have to.
it all just makes it much easier to stay in a state of denial.
i go back and forth between realizing that i'm not technically okay until ALL areas of my life are going okay and thinking that majority rules and i'm totally okay so long as most of my life looks good. i guess it is the battle between rational and irrational that begins to take place...that mental fissure in the brain that forms
when one begins to teeter.
despite the fact that i have spent the majority of recent sessions with my team members minimizing and justifying and rationalizing, i am still going to appointments and listening to suggestions and taking in information that they are sharing with me. i may be someone obstinent right now, or rather just stuck in a belief system that doesn't fit with theirs, but i'm willing to listen and possibly change my own set of beliefs given enough evidence and rational information. i am continuing to do the work despite my own thoughts and feelings. i don't know that i would have been able to say that a year or two ago. i think that shows some progress on my part that i can recognize.
my therapist said something in session on tuesday that hit me like a brick. she said "it really isn't a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of will or won't." i think that struck me so hard for a couple reasons. the first being that she was partly right. yes, i did just acknowledge that someone else may be clued in to my life and may know me better than i know myself at this point in time, haha. but it also made me really stop to think about that. though i do tend to agree with that and can see where i have times that it does boil down to making a simple choice, there are other times when it really is about can or can't. i know people have different feelings on this and they may argue this, but i'm saying it anyway. there are what i like to call "autopilot" moments when the brain takes over and it is virtually impossible to either take action or stop mid-action. i
i think evaluating what kind of moments i have most (either the can/can't or will/won't) gives me better insight into where i really stand with things and helps me gain perspective on my place in recovery. it helps snap me out of some of the denial and actually take a look at things. though i was incredibly pissed at her in that moment for challenging me with that statement, i can now see the benefit in her words.
and i'm grateful for challenges like that and a therapist who is willing to go there, even if i don't always act like it ;)
anyway, denial is a funny thing. ironic how it can get you when you think you already know everything there is to know and there is no way you could hide behind denial...ever. even more ironic how you can completely deny that you are in denial. oh, what a complicated web of tangles and contradictions and paradoxes.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"
denial is such an easy trap to fall into for so many of us that struggle. what amazes me is that i can still manage to fall into the trap of denial after so many years of dealing with the same struggles. i guess that is what makes an eating disorder so sneaky, cunning, deceiving, and addicting. i am finally realizing that maybe i don't have everything perfectly under my control like i would like to believe.
i was talking with my dietitian this past week and she described it perfectly. she said that one can be on the brink of psychosis in the area of the eating disorder yet have all other areas of their life functioning well and going smoothly, or even going exceptionally well, which makes it that much easier to convince oneself that the particular area of struggle where one might be able to fall off the edge of the cliff is then not such a big deal, because after all, how could it be if everything else is going so well?
this is exactly the trap i have fallen into.
i have convinced myself that because my social life is on par and my job is going well (minus just not loving what i do, haha) and i'm succeeding as a teller, and i'm beginning to think about my future again, that the little ol' eating disorder really isn't that big of a deal and doesn't really deserve much attention or focus or time or energy or effort. when people ask me how i am doing i answer honestly with a "great" or "fine" or "i'm doing really well, thanks." i don't believe i'm lying or being deceptive. i honestly believe it when i say i'm doing well because so many other areas of life are going well, according to society's definition of well. because i am functioning to the degree i am functioning in all other areas of life, i think i have convinced myself as well as others that i'm doing alright. and i think because i struggle so much with body distortion issues that my struggles aren't visible (because i don't notice a change in myself) so why delve into what is really going on in my head and in my heart if i don't have to.
it all just makes it much easier to stay in a state of denial.
i go back and forth between realizing that i'm not technically okay until ALL areas of my life are going okay and thinking that majority rules and i'm totally okay so long as most of my life looks good. i guess it is the battle between rational and irrational that begins to take place...that mental fissure in the brain that forms
when one begins to teeter.
despite the fact that i have spent the majority of recent sessions with my team members minimizing and justifying and rationalizing, i am still going to appointments and listening to suggestions and taking in information that they are sharing with me. i may be someone obstinent right now, or rather just stuck in a belief system that doesn't fit with theirs, but i'm willing to listen and possibly change my own set of beliefs given enough evidence and rational information. i am continuing to do the work despite my own thoughts and feelings. i don't know that i would have been able to say that a year or two ago. i think that shows some progress on my part that i can recognize.
my therapist said something in session on tuesday that hit me like a brick. she said "it really isn't a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of will or won't." i think that struck me so hard for a couple reasons. the first being that she was partly right. yes, i did just acknowledge that someone else may be clued in to my life and may know me better than i know myself at this point in time, haha. but it also made me really stop to think about that. though i do tend to agree with that and can see where i have times that it does boil down to making a simple choice, there are other times when it really is about can or can't. i know people have different feelings on this and they may argue this, but i'm saying it anyway. there are what i like to call "autopilot" moments when the brain takes over and it is virtually impossible to either take action or stop mid-action. i
i think evaluating what kind of moments i have most (either the can/can't or will/won't) gives me better insight into where i really stand with things and helps me gain perspective on my place in recovery. it helps snap me out of some of the denial and actually take a look at things. though i was incredibly pissed at her in that moment for challenging me with that statement, i can now see the benefit in her words.
and i'm grateful for challenges like that and a therapist who is willing to go there, even if i don't always act like it ;)
anyway, denial is a funny thing. ironic how it can get you when you think you already know everything there is to know and there is no way you could hide behind denial...ever. even more ironic how you can completely deny that you are in denial. oh, what a complicated web of tangles and contradictions and paradoxes.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"
Thursday, January 12, 2012
it isn't about winning or losing...
someone asked me recently what i thought were some of the hardest obstacles i faced when recovering from an eating disorder and what some of the easier obstacles i faced were when recovering from an eating disorder. this question really made me think, as i have never really categorized obstacles or thought much about what hurdles were harder for me to overcome than others...yet when i stopped to actually ponder this, i was intrigued with what i was able to come up with.
obstacles that present the biggest challenges for me in recovery:
-not letting a slip become a relapse because of black and white thinking.
i tend to get very black and white with recovery and if i slip up then i feel as if i have messed everthing up and there is no point in trying to get back on the horse so i might as well go eat worms and surrender. i fall into this trap of thinking often and let it keep me down more times than not. definitely something i need to work on.
-letting my emotions dicate my actions.
if i feel angry or sad or bored or lonely or ____ i manifest those feelings physically or tangibly, usually through my body. it is easier for me to deal with my feelings when they become physical than when they stay internal and jumbled up inside. i have to learn to process them, still physically if i so choose, but in a non self-destructive manner.
-being unsure of what to do when recovery starts to feel uncomfortable.
after a certain period of time recovery begins to feel uncomfortable. routine sets in, cloud 9 disappears, the excitement of a new and healthy body begins to fade and reality sets in, and the realization that the one sure thing in life (or so it seemed) is gone freaks me out. i tend to panic and start to feel discontent and unsure of how to cope or what to do. i have to remind myself that recovery isn't going to be grand and exciting every second of every day but the mere fact that i am alive and well is reason enough to celebrate.
obstacles that present less of a challenge in overcoming:
-rediscovering my relationship with food.
in all honesty, the only time that i don't like food and don't like eating is when i am in a disordered mindset. if i am to be completely honest with myself, i am quite the foodie with a love for cooking and baking. this is not to say that i haven't developed food fears over the many years i've struggled, but learning to overcome some of those fears has been a manageable process for me. it was almost exciting when i figured out how to give myself permission to eat again and enjoy it and try new things. i need to figure out how to grant myself this permission for freedom again somehow.
-speaking my mind.
though i still struggle with this from time to time, with recovery i began to find my voice and i have definitely learned how to begin to use that voice. i may still need to find the right balance but i love that i can say what is on my mind. sometimes i think i may need a bigger filter (ha) but at least it is progress!
-reconnecting with others.
i lost a lot of relationships and isolated myself greatly in the midst of my worst days. i lost myself which made it very hard to connect to others or maintain relationships i already had, but i've since been reconnecting and trying to mend broken relationships. though i am currently in a bit of a rut, i am still making a conscious effort to try and stay connected and keep in contact with those around me so as not to lose out on relationships and experiences. i now know how vital that is to my life.
on the path to recovery i have faced many obstacles. some easier to deal with an overcome than others. as my journey continues to wax and wane and twist and turn i continue to come up against some of these obstacles time and time again. i think this is something that i will continually do, and so learning from my experience each time helps me better combat them the next time. it is also important for me to look at where i've made some progress because it is easy for me to get stuck in the trap of thinking that i'm going nowhere fast and then getting discouraged and left feeling hopeless. all is not lost, nor will it ever be. i am better now than i once was. stronger than i used to be. do i still have a ways to go? absolutely. but i am not who i used to be, and moving forward. each battle is an opportunity for learning. it isn't about winning or losing, it is about lessons learned and knowledge gained and the wisdom of experience.
that, i have discovered.
obstacles that present the biggest challenges for me in recovery:
-not letting a slip become a relapse because of black and white thinking.
i tend to get very black and white with recovery and if i slip up then i feel as if i have messed everthing up and there is no point in trying to get back on the horse so i might as well go eat worms and surrender. i fall into this trap of thinking often and let it keep me down more times than not. definitely something i need to work on.
-letting my emotions dicate my actions.
if i feel angry or sad or bored or lonely or ____ i manifest those feelings physically or tangibly, usually through my body. it is easier for me to deal with my feelings when they become physical than when they stay internal and jumbled up inside. i have to learn to process them, still physically if i so choose, but in a non self-destructive manner.
-being unsure of what to do when recovery starts to feel uncomfortable.
after a certain period of time recovery begins to feel uncomfortable. routine sets in, cloud 9 disappears, the excitement of a new and healthy body begins to fade and reality sets in, and the realization that the one sure thing in life (or so it seemed) is gone freaks me out. i tend to panic and start to feel discontent and unsure of how to cope or what to do. i have to remind myself that recovery isn't going to be grand and exciting every second of every day but the mere fact that i am alive and well is reason enough to celebrate.
obstacles that present less of a challenge in overcoming:
-rediscovering my relationship with food.
in all honesty, the only time that i don't like food and don't like eating is when i am in a disordered mindset. if i am to be completely honest with myself, i am quite the foodie with a love for cooking and baking. this is not to say that i haven't developed food fears over the many years i've struggled, but learning to overcome some of those fears has been a manageable process for me. it was almost exciting when i figured out how to give myself permission to eat again and enjoy it and try new things. i need to figure out how to grant myself this permission for freedom again somehow.
-speaking my mind.
though i still struggle with this from time to time, with recovery i began to find my voice and i have definitely learned how to begin to use that voice. i may still need to find the right balance but i love that i can say what is on my mind. sometimes i think i may need a bigger filter (ha) but at least it is progress!
-reconnecting with others.
i lost a lot of relationships and isolated myself greatly in the midst of my worst days. i lost myself which made it very hard to connect to others or maintain relationships i already had, but i've since been reconnecting and trying to mend broken relationships. though i am currently in a bit of a rut, i am still making a conscious effort to try and stay connected and keep in contact with those around me so as not to lose out on relationships and experiences. i now know how vital that is to my life.
on the path to recovery i have faced many obstacles. some easier to deal with an overcome than others. as my journey continues to wax and wane and twist and turn i continue to come up against some of these obstacles time and time again. i think this is something that i will continually do, and so learning from my experience each time helps me better combat them the next time. it is also important for me to look at where i've made some progress because it is easy for me to get stuck in the trap of thinking that i'm going nowhere fast and then getting discouraged and left feeling hopeless. all is not lost, nor will it ever be. i am better now than i once was. stronger than i used to be. do i still have a ways to go? absolutely. but i am not who i used to be, and moving forward. each battle is an opportunity for learning. it isn't about winning or losing, it is about lessons learned and knowledge gained and the wisdom of experience.
that, i have discovered.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
if you don't like what you see...
because i have been receiving a number of anonymous comments recently (and have a strong feeling i know who may be writing them), i am going to say this.
if you don't like what i have to say - don't read my blog.
if you don't like me - don't read my blog.
if you don't like where i am with my life - don't read my blog.
if you have a mean and hateful heart and just want to be a complete jerk - go screw yourself.
if you have nothing better to do with your time than hide behind anonymity and create drama - go screw yourself.
if you just want to kick someone while they are down - maybe you should take a harder look at your own life and the kind of person you are.
get off my blog if you can't be nice and don't say anything if you can't say something civil.
thanks and have a great day.
if you don't like what i have to say - don't read my blog.
if you don't like me - don't read my blog.
if you don't like where i am with my life - don't read my blog.
if you have a mean and hateful heart and just want to be a complete jerk - go screw yourself.
if you have nothing better to do with your time than hide behind anonymity and create drama - go screw yourself.
if you just want to kick someone while they are down - maybe you should take a harder look at your own life and the kind of person you are.
get off my blog if you can't be nice and don't say anything if you can't say something civil.
thanks and have a great day.
Monday, January 9, 2012
ready, set, stuck.
i am so ready to be unstuck and out of this rut.
i just wish it was an easier and simpler process to get there.
i miss the days of normalcy and ease around food and the days when i could kick back with my friends and feel at peace and enjoy myself. i feel myself beginning to miss those moments and yearning to have those back. when i intially started to slip again, i didn't really feel like i was missing out on a lot. i was isolating myself from a lot in life and didn't really care to socialize much and was so busy trying to get settled into tulsa, a new house, a new job, and a new class that i was too busy to really feel like the slip was taking much away from me anyway. then i began to see that my motivation for making future plans was beginning to dissapate and my time management and productivity skills were fading...but i was able to rationalize and justify everything into a neat little box because i was still able to hold down a decent job and socialize and maintain a relatively normal (normal for me, at least) lifestyle. it hasn't been until recently that i've noticed just how much i feel like i'm missing out again, and how i can begin to see where the eating disorder robs me of certain things in life. i can be in a room full of people and honestly want to feel engaged and involved yet it sucks the life out of me and drains me of all energy and completely distracts me, especially if and when there is food involved. this saddens me because the thing i want the most is to feel like i am a part of something when i am there. i want to feel present.
i am beginning to realize that even though i may not look like i have a serious problem physically which makes it easier to deny and justify away, i cannot ignore the signs that point clearly toward the fact that my quality of life is diminishing mentally and socially, and that might be more devestating in my mind than a physical deterioration ever could be. i've already missed out on so much life, so many experiences and so much time that i will never get back, and i don't want to miss out on anymore, so i have to figure out what it is going to take to get my feet unglued and moving, somehow. i'm doing all that i know how to do in working with my outpatient team but progress is admittedly slow and futile. it is hard, as we all know and have experienced at one point in time or another, to act regardless of the thoughts and feelings in our heads. it is hard to suddenly start doing behaviors that have once again become "wrong" and feel so abnormal. it is painful to break patterns that are yet again ingrained.
hard, but not impossible.
i will not stop believing that change is not impossible.
i'm sure it will take time, but i don't want to lose anymore ground and miss out on many more years.
i'm ready to be present for life again.
i'm ready.
i just wish it was an easier and simpler process to get there.
i miss the days of normalcy and ease around food and the days when i could kick back with my friends and feel at peace and enjoy myself. i feel myself beginning to miss those moments and yearning to have those back. when i intially started to slip again, i didn't really feel like i was missing out on a lot. i was isolating myself from a lot in life and didn't really care to socialize much and was so busy trying to get settled into tulsa, a new house, a new job, and a new class that i was too busy to really feel like the slip was taking much away from me anyway. then i began to see that my motivation for making future plans was beginning to dissapate and my time management and productivity skills were fading...but i was able to rationalize and justify everything into a neat little box because i was still able to hold down a decent job and socialize and maintain a relatively normal (normal for me, at least) lifestyle. it hasn't been until recently that i've noticed just how much i feel like i'm missing out again, and how i can begin to see where the eating disorder robs me of certain things in life. i can be in a room full of people and honestly want to feel engaged and involved yet it sucks the life out of me and drains me of all energy and completely distracts me, especially if and when there is food involved. this saddens me because the thing i want the most is to feel like i am a part of something when i am there. i want to feel present.
i am beginning to realize that even though i may not look like i have a serious problem physically which makes it easier to deny and justify away, i cannot ignore the signs that point clearly toward the fact that my quality of life is diminishing mentally and socially, and that might be more devestating in my mind than a physical deterioration ever could be. i've already missed out on so much life, so many experiences and so much time that i will never get back, and i don't want to miss out on anymore, so i have to figure out what it is going to take to get my feet unglued and moving, somehow. i'm doing all that i know how to do in working with my outpatient team but progress is admittedly slow and futile. it is hard, as we all know and have experienced at one point in time or another, to act regardless of the thoughts and feelings in our heads. it is hard to suddenly start doing behaviors that have once again become "wrong" and feel so abnormal. it is painful to break patterns that are yet again ingrained.
hard, but not impossible.
i will not stop believing that change is not impossible.
i'm sure it will take time, but i don't want to lose anymore ground and miss out on many more years.
i'm ready to be present for life again.
i'm ready.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
try a tbsp. compassion with that bitterness...
short and sweet.
people who act all high and mighty and better than everyone else because they think they have their lives in order and their heads on straight will never, ever be friends of mine. life is too short to try and learn to love people who only love themselves.
life is not about being perfect, in ANY aspect or regard. life is about learning through the ups and downs, the valleys and the mountain tops, the trials and the victories. life is a journey, not a destination, and it will never be a smooth ride.
people get so caught up in judging other people because they feel uncomfortable or offended or put off when maybe what needs to be happening is more compassion being shown. i'm not saying that excuses need to be made and leniency allowed, but a general sense of love regardless and compassion despite the disease would be nice. most of us are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be on us and the last thing we need is someone else telling us we are wrong, bad, offensive, immature, awful, hateful, etc. what if we stopped labelng people as good or bad and started loving them, instead? maybe those behaviors that push people away to begin with would start to disapate with a little compassion and understanding. and for those of us who have been around the block a time or two, we of all people should know how to show a little compassion to each other, right? you sure would think so. maybe it is time to gve that a try and see how it goes.
time to step down off your high horses and get real with each other. love each other. show some compassion. you've been there too at some point in time. someone once showed compassion for you, so how about trying to give back some of what has been given to you? maybe the world will go around a little smoother for once? who knows...
people who act all high and mighty and better than everyone else because they think they have their lives in order and their heads on straight will never, ever be friends of mine. life is too short to try and learn to love people who only love themselves.
life is not about being perfect, in ANY aspect or regard. life is about learning through the ups and downs, the valleys and the mountain tops, the trials and the victories. life is a journey, not a destination, and it will never be a smooth ride.
people get so caught up in judging other people because they feel uncomfortable or offended or put off when maybe what needs to be happening is more compassion being shown. i'm not saying that excuses need to be made and leniency allowed, but a general sense of love regardless and compassion despite the disease would be nice. most of us are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be on us and the last thing we need is someone else telling us we are wrong, bad, offensive, immature, awful, hateful, etc. what if we stopped labelng people as good or bad and started loving them, instead? maybe those behaviors that push people away to begin with would start to disapate with a little compassion and understanding. and for those of us who have been around the block a time or two, we of all people should know how to show a little compassion to each other, right? you sure would think so. maybe it is time to gve that a try and see how it goes.
time to step down off your high horses and get real with each other. love each other. show some compassion. you've been there too at some point in time. someone once showed compassion for you, so how about trying to give back some of what has been given to you? maybe the world will go around a little smoother for once? who knows...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
"...gotta get my priorities straight"
i'm so exhausted.
it's not only been a long week physically but it has been an emotionally tiring week, as well. as tiring of a week as it has been for me, i still manage to feel like i have more energy these days. i'm not even sure where that energy is coming from (maybe because i'm taking vitamins now, yay mom) or maybe because it's a new year and that has psychologically refreshed me somehow but it's almost like i've got enough energy and feel okay enough that i "forget" throughout the day that i'm currently struggling with an eating disorder. i think this can be good and not-so-good all in the same. it's great that i'm having more moments where i'm not as consumed but not-so-good because it becomes easier to convince myself that everything is peachy keen when i feel as okay and upbeat as i do. i guess it makes it easier to distract and focus on other things and stop working as hard on the one thing that i need to be working hardest on: myself and my health. i often find that i have a hard time prioritizing my health and wellbeing over my life and my responsibilities. if i have a day where i don't have to go into work until later in the afternoon and i plan to use the morning to rest and relax but get called in instead i somehow find myself saying "sure thing, i'll come on in" even though resting would be more beneficial to me at that point in time. when i got sick with bronchitis i could not make myself sit still long enough to lay in bed and sleep and rehydrate. instead, i did two loads of laundry and ran the dishwasher and cleaned my room and then went for a walk...in the frigid cold. i really want to ask for more hours at work because my supervisor said she would give me more hours if i needed them, and i could use them financially, but i also know that it will be more stressful and lead to potential burnout, so i'm having to learn to be okay with less hours and less money in order to salvage what is left of my health. i have always placed the responsibilities of life over my health to a detriment. i'm just now trying to figure out where the balance lies. i'm trying to figure out how to be an independent adult who can't just put responsibility aside to sleep in one morning and also recover from an eating disorder that has occupied over three-fourths of my life. needless to say, it is hard work and i know i don't always do it well.
anyway, i guess i'm working on trying to get my priorities straight these days.
on a totally unrelated and random note, i'm having a breakfast session with my therapist tomorrow. super nervous because i hate eating one-on-one in front of people (that goes for anyone!) and it's even harder to do so while trying to talk about difficult feelings and emotions. but i am grateful for the added accountability and am already trying to figure out what i can bring that is portable. i've about decided on these really scrumptious gluten free waffles from the local coffee house down the street from me. i might even get them to put some peanut butter on them...how good does that sound? hopefully i won't panic too much trying to eat gracefully and talk honestly at the same time, haha.
looking forward to not having to work this weekend. i can finally get some much needed cleaning done and then hopefully catch up on some R&R. i need to return some things and hunt down some brown yarn that michael's ALWAYS seems to be out of...crossing my fingers they will have some in stock now that it is past christmas because i need to get back onto my crocheting. such a great distraction and something i can get lost in for hours. i'm also going to test out some new recipes for a party we are having at our house this weekend. i'm going to try making some chocolate coconut truffles and may actually get around to trying the warm autumn salad i've been dying to make since before christmas. now i have an excuse to make it and hopefully people will like it :)
i guess that is about it for now.
much love.
it's not only been a long week physically but it has been an emotionally tiring week, as well. as tiring of a week as it has been for me, i still manage to feel like i have more energy these days. i'm not even sure where that energy is coming from (maybe because i'm taking vitamins now, yay mom) or maybe because it's a new year and that has psychologically refreshed me somehow but it's almost like i've got enough energy and feel okay enough that i "forget" throughout the day that i'm currently struggling with an eating disorder. i think this can be good and not-so-good all in the same. it's great that i'm having more moments where i'm not as consumed but not-so-good because it becomes easier to convince myself that everything is peachy keen when i feel as okay and upbeat as i do. i guess it makes it easier to distract and focus on other things and stop working as hard on the one thing that i need to be working hardest on: myself and my health. i often find that i have a hard time prioritizing my health and wellbeing over my life and my responsibilities. if i have a day where i don't have to go into work until later in the afternoon and i plan to use the morning to rest and relax but get called in instead i somehow find myself saying "sure thing, i'll come on in" even though resting would be more beneficial to me at that point in time. when i got sick with bronchitis i could not make myself sit still long enough to lay in bed and sleep and rehydrate. instead, i did two loads of laundry and ran the dishwasher and cleaned my room and then went for a walk...in the frigid cold. i really want to ask for more hours at work because my supervisor said she would give me more hours if i needed them, and i could use them financially, but i also know that it will be more stressful and lead to potential burnout, so i'm having to learn to be okay with less hours and less money in order to salvage what is left of my health. i have always placed the responsibilities of life over my health to a detriment. i'm just now trying to figure out where the balance lies. i'm trying to figure out how to be an independent adult who can't just put responsibility aside to sleep in one morning and also recover from an eating disorder that has occupied over three-fourths of my life. needless to say, it is hard work and i know i don't always do it well.
anyway, i guess i'm working on trying to get my priorities straight these days.
on a totally unrelated and random note, i'm having a breakfast session with my therapist tomorrow. super nervous because i hate eating one-on-one in front of people (that goes for anyone!) and it's even harder to do so while trying to talk about difficult feelings and emotions. but i am grateful for the added accountability and am already trying to figure out what i can bring that is portable. i've about decided on these really scrumptious gluten free waffles from the local coffee house down the street from me. i might even get them to put some peanut butter on them...how good does that sound? hopefully i won't panic too much trying to eat gracefully and talk honestly at the same time, haha.
looking forward to not having to work this weekend. i can finally get some much needed cleaning done and then hopefully catch up on some R&R. i need to return some things and hunt down some brown yarn that michael's ALWAYS seems to be out of...crossing my fingers they will have some in stock now that it is past christmas because i need to get back onto my crocheting. such a great distraction and something i can get lost in for hours. i'm also going to test out some new recipes for a party we are having at our house this weekend. i'm going to try making some chocolate coconut truffles and may actually get around to trying the warm autumn salad i've been dying to make since before christmas. now i have an excuse to make it and hopefully people will like it :)
i guess that is about it for now.
much love.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
reservation for 1, please.
"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event --big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to."
though 2011 was not a year for the record books, it also was not one of the worst years i have had. yet each year as i stand around amidst a crowd of people anxiously awaiting the clock to strike midnight, i wonder why it takes until december 31st at precisely midnight to begin thinking about making changes in my life. why not start today, or a month from now, or in august, or on any given day that i realize that change needs to occur? who decided that january 1st was going to be the day for change? i guess it is because we can all come together as one and celebrate the passing of the old and entrance of the new and toast out the hardships and toast in the hopes.
i may have waited around for january 1st to be my marker of change this year, my grantor of permission to myself to begin making changes, but i will not stop striving for change throughout the year like i have in past years. i will not make resolutions this year - i will make reservations...for life. and i will show up for my scheduled reservation, on time. and i will continue to hold on to the hope that things can and will be different this year. the entrance of a new year always creates a sense of fresh starts and new beginnings for most everyone but why not carry that sense of freshness with me throughout the entire year. what difference could that possibly make in life? could it help carry me positively? it sure is worth a try.
so as 2011 has come and gone (much faster than i would like, mind you) i would like to note some of the happiest moments and memories of the year in photo :)
(Nashville to celebrate 1 year of recovery)
(Getting to see some good friends in Nash)
(Dad's 60's party for his 60th birthday)
(Mom and I at Charlotte's baby shower)
(Father's Day dinner at Flemming's)
(Dinner at Opa's with my loves from summer classes)
(loving the roses from Ecuador at the nicest wedding of the year)
(Being healthy enough to run some road races)
(by far the best moment of the year, my nephew being born!)
(holding baby andrew in my arms!)
(celebrating my 26th birthday!)
(making the move to tulsa and getting to see amazing friends!)
(halloween...enough said, haha!)
(finally getting to be the outdoors girl i like to be and hike!)
(spending time with my roommate and ice skating for the first time in years!)
(getting to see my nephew for the first time since he was born)
(loving on this sweet little boy of mine!)
(spending christmas with my family)
(had to throw this in...getting my k-cup brewer!)
(saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new!)
(spending time with friends and celebrating another passing year)
though 2011 was not a year for the record books, it also was not one of the worst years i have had. yet each year as i stand around amidst a crowd of people anxiously awaiting the clock to strike midnight, i wonder why it takes until december 31st at precisely midnight to begin thinking about making changes in my life. why not start today, or a month from now, or in august, or on any given day that i realize that change needs to occur? who decided that january 1st was going to be the day for change? i guess it is because we can all come together as one and celebrate the passing of the old and entrance of the new and toast out the hardships and toast in the hopes.
i may have waited around for january 1st to be my marker of change this year, my grantor of permission to myself to begin making changes, but i will not stop striving for change throughout the year like i have in past years. i will not make resolutions this year - i will make reservations...for life. and i will show up for my scheduled reservation, on time. and i will continue to hold on to the hope that things can and will be different this year. the entrance of a new year always creates a sense of fresh starts and new beginnings for most everyone but why not carry that sense of freshness with me throughout the entire year. what difference could that possibly make in life? could it help carry me positively? it sure is worth a try.
so as 2011 has come and gone (much faster than i would like, mind you) i would like to note some of the happiest moments and memories of the year in photo :)
(Nashville to celebrate 1 year of recovery)
(holding baby andrew in my arms!)
(getting to see my nephew for the first time since he was born)
(loving on this sweet little boy of mine!)
(spending christmas with my family)
(saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new!)
(spending time with friends and celebrating another passing year)
i don't like to make resolutions as i tend to feel guilty when i can't keep them or they are too perfectionistic or unhealthy so this year i'm setting some goals and if i actually meet them, great...if not, then i can roll them on over into the next year. but my first and foremost goal is to get healthy and stay healthy, and to learn how to love myself in the process...the rest are as follows.
1) get healthy and stay healthy.
2) save up enough money to pay for my own trip somewhere.
3) learn how to be okay with just being.
4) run another road race by the end of the year.
5) finish the book i am writing.
6) declutter some areas of my life.
7) try to be less judgemental of myself and of others.
8) watch my tongue and control what i say.
9) work on my spiritual life.
10) be a friend to everyone just as i would want someone to be a friend to me.
11) learn how to cut loose and have a little fun.
12) let someone love me this year.
i plan to add on as i see fit, but i think this is a good start for now.
and so far so good. i started off this january 1st with a nice, big mug of freshly bewed coffee and a late start to my morning that included working some on my book, letting my guard down enough to open up my heart a little and let someone in, and i began to let go of some resentments i've been holding onto recently. i'd say that is a pretty good start to this brand new day.
no resolutions...and not really goals, just things i'd like to work towards if i get the time and energy to do so. no pressure, no perfection.
only one reservation, and that is for life. party of 1, to arrive promptly at now.
happy 2012.
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