i'm discharging from mag house on thursday.
less than a week until i am completely free and on my own.
it's hard to believe that four months have come and gone and my work here is done. bittersweet, really. i've made a lot of wonderful friends and fond memories, but i am thankful to be heading out into the world again. i'm definitely nervous. actually, nervous is quite an understatement. i'm actually scared to death. all of the crazy whatifs are tugging at my brain and i'm creating scenarios in my head that probably won't even happen.
what if i can't maintain recovery?
what if my meal plan proves to be too challenging to follow?
what if i don't have money for groceries?
what if i don't find a job?
what if i get too bored?
what if i have urges late at night and no one is around to talk to?
what if i'm home alone too much?
what if?
what if?
what if.
i'm discharging to no real structure as of right now, so it's going to be even more challenging to combat the boredom and loneliness i will most likely initally feel. i've been searching and searching for a job but i am having absolutely no luck. i'm trying not to let it get me down and trying even harder not to define myself by my lack of a job. i have this ridiculous tendency to define myself by my abilities and accomplishments and when i am not accomplishing something then i feel like i am worthless. i begin to judge myself and get really hard on myself, which is never a good situation. so, i'm preparing myself for these possible upsets and going to adjust my recovery process as necessary. i plan to utilize mag house as an alum and spend my days hanging out if i have nothing else to do. i plan to utilize my team more during the transition and jobless period. i'm going to be more accountable with my meal plan. i'm refusing to let these possible situations get me down.
so, this is going to be quite the transitional week or so for me. i feel strong and confident and am hoping i can hang onto that feeling as i venture out into the world once again. life is waiting for me, and i'm waiting to truly live.
xoxo.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
life as I know it now...
Life has a funny way of directing you, pushing you in certain directions, stopping you dead in your tracks, and forcing you to take a long, hard look at how you are truly living. It is usually when we think we have things most together that we realize we actually have very little all neatly put together, afterall.
This was the case for me.
September 2010 - I discharged from Laureate after 4 1/2 months feeling strong and confident in my ability to maintain recovery, live life, and do what I needed to do to move forward and progress. I moved home, got a job, tried to make friends and kept on trucking along.
May 2011 - I celebrated one whole year in recovery. One year was the longest I had gone without eating disorder behaviors ever.
July 2011 - I was asked to speak at Family week at Laureate so I flew from Orlando to Tulsa to meet up with friends, share my life/recovery story and reminisce about old times. I began thinking about moving back to Tulsa to try and practice being independent and to learn how to do recovery on my own two feet without the constant support and supervision of my parents.
August 2011 - I packed my car as full as it would go and drove cross-country thousands of miles away to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I moved into a house with a friend and began my life as an independent adult. I immediately got a job and was really enjoying my life. I began applications to nursing school and thought I was on a fast track to success.
October 2011 - Nursing school applications started becoming problematic. The stress of work was getting to me and all of the transitioning I had done was sinking in. My recovery was slipping but I couldn't even see that I was struggling. I honestly felt as though I was fine and didn't have a thing to worry about in terms of recovery.
November 2011 - The only complete nursing applications I had done fell through. I was left with no plans for the future and felt aimless. My neat little life plan was falling apart in front of my eyes and I had no idea what to do with myself or my life. Because I didn't have future plans that I could be working towards, I started exercising more, eating less, and started slowly slipping away.
December 2011 - I went home for Christmas and was confronted about my deadly spiral. I was forced to look at a problem that I had become a pro at avoiding. I realized that I was in need of help but didn't know what that would entail or how to even ask for the help I needed.
January 2012 - After much debate and discussion with my team, I realized I wasn't getting better despite my own efforts so I called and got an admission date to readmit to Laureate.
February 2012 - I readmitted to Laureate on February 13th, where I would spend the next 4 months of my life working on recovering all that I had lost. For some reason, deciding to go back this time was the hardest decision I feel like I have made in a long time. This particular stay was very difficult for me. Not only did I have a lot of physical work to do but I also had a lot of emotional work to do. I think I knew that I had to really buckle down and start making changes so I dug my heels in hard at first. I refused to change and let go for many weeks before I actually allowed myself to break down and start to soften up and change. Once I did let go, the real life-changing healing began.
May 2012 - I discharged from programming to Mag House, where I will remain until the middle of June.
After much reflecting, here is what I have learned...
Life rarely goes as planned. When plans change, it doesn't have to equate to catastrophy and disaster. It could mean new beginnings and fresh starts and unique opportunities. I have to learn how to adjust my plans and not live so rigid and concrete.
I don't have to be or do anything. A life with constant expectations is quite a miserable life. I've learned to live without expectations and just roll with the day to day, instead. No one expects me to be perfect and amazingly successful and miraculously perfect so why should I expect that from myself? It's rather silly, if you ask me.
I am not a living, breathing mannequin. My body is not designed solely to be accessorized and hidden behind makeup and clothing. It is okay to embrace natural beauty and to do things like go to the grocery store with no makeup and messy hair. I don't have to live on display at all times. I've done enough of that, so it's time to give myself a break.
I am much more likeable and enjoyable when I am real and genuine. The only way I can be more real and genuine is to stop hiding behind accessories, sarcasm, fake happiness and the like and start being open and honest and approachable. People actually enjoy me when I let them close enough to get to know the real me.
There is no such thing as a wrong or right decision. Decisions are simply decisions. I've learned to make them and then go with however they play out. I now know that I have the ability to change my mind once I make a decision and that no decision is ever completely binding or suffocating or going to trap me as I so often think. I am allowed to change my mind.
Food is just food. It is fuel for the body and only has power if I let it have power. It is not an entity that can possess supernatural powers to make me look or feel a certain way. It is simply something necessary for sustaining life...a life I choose to live and want to live.
I never want to do this again. I have a whole list of reasons why I never want to enter treatment again and why life outside of these four walls, as hard as it is most days, is worth so much more than a life inside a box.
A life in recovery is so much more desirable than a life lived existing as a vacant, empty shell of a person.
So, life may not have gone how I had planned or looked quite as I imagined it would when I walked out of these doors back in September of 2010, but I have certainly learned a lot, made significant growth, and become more of the Leah Beth that I have missed out on over the years. It has been so nice to finally meet me again.
xoxo.
This was the case for me.
September 2010 - I discharged from Laureate after 4 1/2 months feeling strong and confident in my ability to maintain recovery, live life, and do what I needed to do to move forward and progress. I moved home, got a job, tried to make friends and kept on trucking along.
May 2011 - I celebrated one whole year in recovery. One year was the longest I had gone without eating disorder behaviors ever.
July 2011 - I was asked to speak at Family week at Laureate so I flew from Orlando to Tulsa to meet up with friends, share my life/recovery story and reminisce about old times. I began thinking about moving back to Tulsa to try and practice being independent and to learn how to do recovery on my own two feet without the constant support and supervision of my parents.
August 2011 - I packed my car as full as it would go and drove cross-country thousands of miles away to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I moved into a house with a friend and began my life as an independent adult. I immediately got a job and was really enjoying my life. I began applications to nursing school and thought I was on a fast track to success.
October 2011 - Nursing school applications started becoming problematic. The stress of work was getting to me and all of the transitioning I had done was sinking in. My recovery was slipping but I couldn't even see that I was struggling. I honestly felt as though I was fine and didn't have a thing to worry about in terms of recovery.
November 2011 - The only complete nursing applications I had done fell through. I was left with no plans for the future and felt aimless. My neat little life plan was falling apart in front of my eyes and I had no idea what to do with myself or my life. Because I didn't have future plans that I could be working towards, I started exercising more, eating less, and started slowly slipping away.
December 2011 - I went home for Christmas and was confronted about my deadly spiral. I was forced to look at a problem that I had become a pro at avoiding. I realized that I was in need of help but didn't know what that would entail or how to even ask for the help I needed.
January 2012 - After much debate and discussion with my team, I realized I wasn't getting better despite my own efforts so I called and got an admission date to readmit to Laureate.
February 2012 - I readmitted to Laureate on February 13th, where I would spend the next 4 months of my life working on recovering all that I had lost. For some reason, deciding to go back this time was the hardest decision I feel like I have made in a long time. This particular stay was very difficult for me. Not only did I have a lot of physical work to do but I also had a lot of emotional work to do. I think I knew that I had to really buckle down and start making changes so I dug my heels in hard at first. I refused to change and let go for many weeks before I actually allowed myself to break down and start to soften up and change. Once I did let go, the real life-changing healing began.
May 2012 - I discharged from programming to Mag House, where I will remain until the middle of June.
After much reflecting, here is what I have learned...
Life rarely goes as planned. When plans change, it doesn't have to equate to catastrophy and disaster. It could mean new beginnings and fresh starts and unique opportunities. I have to learn how to adjust my plans and not live so rigid and concrete.
I don't have to be or do anything. A life with constant expectations is quite a miserable life. I've learned to live without expectations and just roll with the day to day, instead. No one expects me to be perfect and amazingly successful and miraculously perfect so why should I expect that from myself? It's rather silly, if you ask me.
I am not a living, breathing mannequin. My body is not designed solely to be accessorized and hidden behind makeup and clothing. It is okay to embrace natural beauty and to do things like go to the grocery store with no makeup and messy hair. I don't have to live on display at all times. I've done enough of that, so it's time to give myself a break.
I am much more likeable and enjoyable when I am real and genuine. The only way I can be more real and genuine is to stop hiding behind accessories, sarcasm, fake happiness and the like and start being open and honest and approachable. People actually enjoy me when I let them close enough to get to know the real me.
There is no such thing as a wrong or right decision. Decisions are simply decisions. I've learned to make them and then go with however they play out. I now know that I have the ability to change my mind once I make a decision and that no decision is ever completely binding or suffocating or going to trap me as I so often think. I am allowed to change my mind.
Food is just food. It is fuel for the body and only has power if I let it have power. It is not an entity that can possess supernatural powers to make me look or feel a certain way. It is simply something necessary for sustaining life...a life I choose to live and want to live.
I never want to do this again. I have a whole list of reasons why I never want to enter treatment again and why life outside of these four walls, as hard as it is most days, is worth so much more than a life inside a box.
A life in recovery is so much more desirable than a life lived existing as a vacant, empty shell of a person.
So, life may not have gone how I had planned or looked quite as I imagined it would when I walked out of these doors back in September of 2010, but I have certainly learned a lot, made significant growth, and become more of the Leah Beth that I have missed out on over the years. It has been so nice to finally meet me again.
xoxo.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
long overdue update
whew.
it has been quite some time since i last updated and i apologize for the time in between posts. i can't even begin to explain how tiring treatment can be! i promise to try and start updating more frequently and sharing more of my triumphs as i continue on this path of recovering my life.
for starters, i am entering into my tenth week in treatment and let me just tell you, it has often felt like those weeks have passed by in rapid speed and at other times it feels as if they could not possibly drag on any slower. the days pass by slow but the weeks seem to fly by. i am so grateful for the time i have had and continue to have working, fighting, challenging, and recovering from this eating disorder. the thing about eating disorders is that they are not magically cured overnight or with a particular medication adjustment or with a certain number of therapy sessions. the pain can be greatly lessened with time spent doing these things but often times it takes repetitive cycles to learn a little more each time and actually get it. i'm having to continually be gentle with myself and remind myself that just because i wound up back in this situation does not in any way indicate that i am a failure or disappointment or less than. i simply needed another push...another step in the recovery journey.
this time around is different. i feel different. in the past, i've been known to hide behind makeup and accessories and dressy clothes to make my outside look as presentable as possible because i felt like my insides were ugly and unloveable and unworthy. i've been known to treat my time inpatient more like sorority life than actual treatment and be the social event planner and the welcoming committee and the bubbly girl who never had a down day and always had positive things to say. i found myself sitting in session this time around feeling enormous sadness because i just didn't feel like myself. i couldn't quite put a finger on why until i realized that i just didn't feel as outgoing or engaged or socially out there, so to speak. i was gently reminded by my therapist that maybe, just maybe, i'm actually being real this time and maybe i'm doing the work that needed to be done a long time ago. i think she might be on to something.
so i find myself stripped of makeup and accessories, sitting back and allowing myself not to be the center of any and all things social, and i'm finding that i'm so much more in touch with my emotions. definitely a good thing.
i'm also learning how to challenge all the beliefs i have surrounding food and weight. when i relapsed this time, i developed an insane level of anxiety, greater than ever before, which manifested itself in the form of whole food obsessions and healthy living and being green. i also held tightly to the belief that small equalled so many things that i wanted, like safety, less vulnerability, control, relief from worry and chaos, etc. i'm slowly but surely learning that a) i can have all foods in balance, variety, and moderation and there are no such things as good or bad foods and b) true safety and control comes from being healthy in body, mind, and spirit.
having to weight restore again hasn't been easy. in fact, it is often uncomfortable and leaves me doubtful. yet i continue to challenge those uncomfortable feelings and do things that will eventually help me become more comfortable in my skin again. i'm wearing shorts and dresses even though my brain says "don't!" and i'm choosing not to hide under blankets pretending that i am cold even when i'm not. i'm looking in the mirror and trying to be as non-judgemental as i can be, though i find this to still be particularly hard. and i am reminding myself that i once was at a healthy weight AND happy. that is what i want to get back to...healthy AND happy. i know it is possible because i have been there.
i have a lot to continue to work on in the coming weeks and some big decisions to be made, as well. hopefully come the end of april or beginning of may when i leave this place i will be much more sturdy on my feet, have a more logical brain in my head, and a greater appreciation for myself and my life.
needless to say, a lot has been happening over the past several weeks. through breakdowns and breakthroughs i am taking strides and moving forward. it is not easy by any means, but i know that it will so be worth it in the end. i refuse to give up the fight right before i can finally feel victory.
<3 LB
it has been quite some time since i last updated and i apologize for the time in between posts. i can't even begin to explain how tiring treatment can be! i promise to try and start updating more frequently and sharing more of my triumphs as i continue on this path of recovering my life.
for starters, i am entering into my tenth week in treatment and let me just tell you, it has often felt like those weeks have passed by in rapid speed and at other times it feels as if they could not possibly drag on any slower. the days pass by slow but the weeks seem to fly by. i am so grateful for the time i have had and continue to have working, fighting, challenging, and recovering from this eating disorder. the thing about eating disorders is that they are not magically cured overnight or with a particular medication adjustment or with a certain number of therapy sessions. the pain can be greatly lessened with time spent doing these things but often times it takes repetitive cycles to learn a little more each time and actually get it. i'm having to continually be gentle with myself and remind myself that just because i wound up back in this situation does not in any way indicate that i am a failure or disappointment or less than. i simply needed another push...another step in the recovery journey.
this time around is different. i feel different. in the past, i've been known to hide behind makeup and accessories and dressy clothes to make my outside look as presentable as possible because i felt like my insides were ugly and unloveable and unworthy. i've been known to treat my time inpatient more like sorority life than actual treatment and be the social event planner and the welcoming committee and the bubbly girl who never had a down day and always had positive things to say. i found myself sitting in session this time around feeling enormous sadness because i just didn't feel like myself. i couldn't quite put a finger on why until i realized that i just didn't feel as outgoing or engaged or socially out there, so to speak. i was gently reminded by my therapist that maybe, just maybe, i'm actually being real this time and maybe i'm doing the work that needed to be done a long time ago. i think she might be on to something.
so i find myself stripped of makeup and accessories, sitting back and allowing myself not to be the center of any and all things social, and i'm finding that i'm so much more in touch with my emotions. definitely a good thing.
i'm also learning how to challenge all the beliefs i have surrounding food and weight. when i relapsed this time, i developed an insane level of anxiety, greater than ever before, which manifested itself in the form of whole food obsessions and healthy living and being green. i also held tightly to the belief that small equalled so many things that i wanted, like safety, less vulnerability, control, relief from worry and chaos, etc. i'm slowly but surely learning that a) i can have all foods in balance, variety, and moderation and there are no such things as good or bad foods and b) true safety and control comes from being healthy in body, mind, and spirit.
having to weight restore again hasn't been easy. in fact, it is often uncomfortable and leaves me doubtful. yet i continue to challenge those uncomfortable feelings and do things that will eventually help me become more comfortable in my skin again. i'm wearing shorts and dresses even though my brain says "don't!" and i'm choosing not to hide under blankets pretending that i am cold even when i'm not. i'm looking in the mirror and trying to be as non-judgemental as i can be, though i find this to still be particularly hard. and i am reminding myself that i once was at a healthy weight AND happy. that is what i want to get back to...healthy AND happy. i know it is possible because i have been there.
i have a lot to continue to work on in the coming weeks and some big decisions to be made, as well. hopefully come the end of april or beginning of may when i leave this place i will be much more sturdy on my feet, have a more logical brain in my head, and a greater appreciation for myself and my life.
needless to say, a lot has been happening over the past several weeks. through breakdowns and breakthroughs i am taking strides and moving forward. it is not easy by any means, but i know that it will so be worth it in the end. i refuse to give up the fight right before i can finally feel victory.
<3 LB
Saturday, March 17, 2012
recovery update
the process of recovery is not an easy one. it is not a glamourous process, nor is it fit for the faint of heart or the weak and fragile, i've decided. no, recovery takes an enormous amount of strength, courage, bravery, resiliency, and determination...so if one can actually obtain recovery then they are far from fragile, weak, or faint of heart.
reminding myself of this helps me see that i am, indeed, quite resilient and rather brave for continuing to "man up" and face my fears day after day, bite after bite, and refusing to give in. it isn't easy, but it is doable and will be worth it in the end.
i've been so bad at updating through this process. generally, by the time 9:00PM rolls around I am so exhausted from a very long and daunting day of programming that i have absolutely no energy to process, think, or write left in me. every bone in my body screams "BED!" so staying up long enough to take meds and eat snack is a challenge in and of itself. however, today is saturday and i just got back from our outing to get manicures and pedicures done so i thought i would take a minute and update.
in the past week, i moved from acute to residential and moved from the locked unit to the unlocked, much more home-like unit on the same campus. since being here, i've managed to challenge my rigidity and perfectionism in several ways: not wearing make up every day, dressing down, locking up my fancy glitzy clothes and accessories, and wearing my hair curly and in it's natural state more often than not. i've cried, been vulnerable, gotten angry, admitted when i've struggled and dealt with the urges that come along with the letting go process. i've had great days and not-so-great days. i've been non-compliant only to learn that the best way to go about things and the only way to really work on issues and recover is to be compliant.
this past week i finally realized that i can no longer play the roles of doctor, therapist, dietitian, and tech. i have to let go of the reins and loosen my grasp and let the doctors and nurses and therapists and dietitians be the doctors and nurses and therapists and dietitians, not me. they have degrees, i don't. afterall, it was my best thinking that got me here. i have struggled greatly with just trusting the process and trusting them with my body. i've struggled with believing that i need to be at a higher weight than where i am now and struggled with trusting that my idea of a neat and tidy short little stay isn't actually what is best for me.
but i am letting go.
finger by finger i am loosening my grasp and learning to trust.
it is incredibly frightening but i am doing it, nonetheless.
recovery is hard work.
it will most likely be hard work that i will need to be vigilant about for a long time.
but it is worth it.
I AM WORTH IT.
"Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" - J.K. Rowling
reminding myself of this helps me see that i am, indeed, quite resilient and rather brave for continuing to "man up" and face my fears day after day, bite after bite, and refusing to give in. it isn't easy, but it is doable and will be worth it in the end.
i've been so bad at updating through this process. generally, by the time 9:00PM rolls around I am so exhausted from a very long and daunting day of programming that i have absolutely no energy to process, think, or write left in me. every bone in my body screams "BED!" so staying up long enough to take meds and eat snack is a challenge in and of itself. however, today is saturday and i just got back from our outing to get manicures and pedicures done so i thought i would take a minute and update.
in the past week, i moved from acute to residential and moved from the locked unit to the unlocked, much more home-like unit on the same campus. since being here, i've managed to challenge my rigidity and perfectionism in several ways: not wearing make up every day, dressing down, locking up my fancy glitzy clothes and accessories, and wearing my hair curly and in it's natural state more often than not. i've cried, been vulnerable, gotten angry, admitted when i've struggled and dealt with the urges that come along with the letting go process. i've had great days and not-so-great days. i've been non-compliant only to learn that the best way to go about things and the only way to really work on issues and recover is to be compliant.
this past week i finally realized that i can no longer play the roles of doctor, therapist, dietitian, and tech. i have to let go of the reins and loosen my grasp and let the doctors and nurses and therapists and dietitians be the doctors and nurses and therapists and dietitians, not me. they have degrees, i don't. afterall, it was my best thinking that got me here. i have struggled greatly with just trusting the process and trusting them with my body. i've struggled with believing that i need to be at a higher weight than where i am now and struggled with trusting that my idea of a neat and tidy short little stay isn't actually what is best for me.
but i am letting go.
finger by finger i am loosening my grasp and learning to trust.
it is incredibly frightening but i am doing it, nonetheless.
recovery is hard work.
it will most likely be hard work that i will need to be vigilant about for a long time.
but it is worth it.
I AM WORTH IT.
"Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" - J.K. Rowling
Saturday, February 25, 2012
i'm still here :)
what a long and exhausting two weeks it has been. i'm so sorry i haven't had a chance to update but i've been very busy working hard physically and emotionally and have frankly been too tired to communicate.
i am doing well.
i'm in the process of learning a lot about myself. it never ceases to amaze me how much i still can learn and discover about myself that i didn't already know. i'm learning that an eating disorder was my mechanism for living a "normal" life. afterall, no one can expect me to be extraordinary and overachieving (including myself) when i can barely make it through a day. so a challenge for me is to figure out how to live a normal life, without feeling like i have to produce, achieve, and continually strive for something greater, and do so without an eating disorder.
i'm also learning that i no longer have to hide behind surface level things like accessories and clothing to feel okay and secure. people tend to feel safer around me and appreciate me even more when i am "dressed down" and more accesible.
basically, i'm continuing to learn that there is more to life than an eating disorder and though i have very little experience without one, i can live life on life's terms.
i'm still coming to grips with the fact that where i think my body needs to be and where my team thinks my body needs to be are two totally different numbers. it is hard to accept that and do the work to get there, but i am surrendering a little more each day and doing the deal as best i can.
recovery is hard work, for those of you who don't know.
i also think recovery is a process that i will continue to have to be vigilant about throughout my life. i can't let my guard down or else i can let cracks form and the eating disorder slip back in.
i'm learning, working, breathing, sitting, eating, and figuring out how to be okay with just being okay. definitely a lot of work to do...no wonder i'm tired!
i am doing well.
i'm in the process of learning a lot about myself. it never ceases to amaze me how much i still can learn and discover about myself that i didn't already know. i'm learning that an eating disorder was my mechanism for living a "normal" life. afterall, no one can expect me to be extraordinary and overachieving (including myself) when i can barely make it through a day. so a challenge for me is to figure out how to live a normal life, without feeling like i have to produce, achieve, and continually strive for something greater, and do so without an eating disorder.
i'm also learning that i no longer have to hide behind surface level things like accessories and clothing to feel okay and secure. people tend to feel safer around me and appreciate me even more when i am "dressed down" and more accesible.
basically, i'm continuing to learn that there is more to life than an eating disorder and though i have very little experience without one, i can live life on life's terms.
i'm still coming to grips with the fact that where i think my body needs to be and where my team thinks my body needs to be are two totally different numbers. it is hard to accept that and do the work to get there, but i am surrendering a little more each day and doing the deal as best i can.
recovery is hard work, for those of you who don't know.
i also think recovery is a process that i will continue to have to be vigilant about throughout my life. i can't let my guard down or else i can let cracks form and the eating disorder slip back in.
i'm learning, working, breathing, sitting, eating, and figuring out how to be okay with just being okay. definitely a lot of work to do...no wonder i'm tired!
Friday, February 10, 2012
disclaimer.
for anyone who may be discussing me or things i write with others behind my back:
in no way is this blog written with unhealthy motivations. it was started in the spring of 2010 to chronicle my journey towards recovery. for anyone who is not familiar with recovery from an eating disorder, it is a long an exhausting process that often involves a series of victories and setbacks, steps forward and steps backward, peaks and valleys, all with a undeniable desire to push through and get well, to get better. it is not easy, it is not glamorous, and it does not often happen overnight. it can take years, and no two people's recoveries will look the same. i apologize if you started reading expecting to hear about a miracle, because i am far from a miracle. i am, however, still alive...that may or may not be a miracle. if what i write does not meet your standards or you find it offensive, then please, by all means, cease reading. this is, after all, my space to express myself and you are not obligated to glue your eyes to this page and read line by line the words that i write. that is, by definition, your choice.
i will acknowledge that recovery has been harder over the past few months but i have remained optimistic and hopeful that i have the ability to turn things around. i have tried my best to remain generally vague in the things i write simply because the way in which i write best usually involves analogies. i tend to use anaolgies to relate recovery to things that non-eating disordered people can understand. i also do my very best to include things i need to be working on and ways in which i can do things different in most of my blog posts. if this is bothersome to you then i suggest you take a look at your own issues.
lastly, please, please stop talking about me behind my back. if you have an issue with me, my writing, or something i have said, then confront me directly. it's not that hard. you obviously know who i am and are a part of my life, so call me or text me or meet up with me. let's discuss it personally rather than third partying it. i'd really appreciate that. i shouldn't have to feel paranoid that what i write is going to be scrutinized by others that i know every time i add something new simply because it makes you uncomfortable. that just isn't fair to me.
anyway, that is all i had to say.
i by no means want this to come across as mean. i simply want everyone to know that there are no unhealthy intentions behind this blog, nor will there ever be. it is simply an outlet for me and allows me to hone in on my writing abilities while expressing my thoughts, and if someone has an issue with that then please contact me directly versus talking about me to others first.
thanks.
in no way is this blog written with unhealthy motivations. it was started in the spring of 2010 to chronicle my journey towards recovery. for anyone who is not familiar with recovery from an eating disorder, it is a long an exhausting process that often involves a series of victories and setbacks, steps forward and steps backward, peaks and valleys, all with a undeniable desire to push through and get well, to get better. it is not easy, it is not glamorous, and it does not often happen overnight. it can take years, and no two people's recoveries will look the same. i apologize if you started reading expecting to hear about a miracle, because i am far from a miracle. i am, however, still alive...that may or may not be a miracle. if what i write does not meet your standards or you find it offensive, then please, by all means, cease reading. this is, after all, my space to express myself and you are not obligated to glue your eyes to this page and read line by line the words that i write. that is, by definition, your choice.
i will acknowledge that recovery has been harder over the past few months but i have remained optimistic and hopeful that i have the ability to turn things around. i have tried my best to remain generally vague in the things i write simply because the way in which i write best usually involves analogies. i tend to use anaolgies to relate recovery to things that non-eating disordered people can understand. i also do my very best to include things i need to be working on and ways in which i can do things different in most of my blog posts. if this is bothersome to you then i suggest you take a look at your own issues.
lastly, please, please stop talking about me behind my back. if you have an issue with me, my writing, or something i have said, then confront me directly. it's not that hard. you obviously know who i am and are a part of my life, so call me or text me or meet up with me. let's discuss it personally rather than third partying it. i'd really appreciate that. i shouldn't have to feel paranoid that what i write is going to be scrutinized by others that i know every time i add something new simply because it makes you uncomfortable. that just isn't fair to me.
anyway, that is all i had to say.
i by no means want this to come across as mean. i simply want everyone to know that there are no unhealthy intentions behind this blog, nor will there ever be. it is simply an outlet for me and allows me to hone in on my writing abilities while expressing my thoughts, and if someone has an issue with that then please contact me directly versus talking about me to others first.
thanks.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
cookie cutters and molds and all that jazz...
it's amazing to me how much time we spend trying to fit into the molds that others have set.
molds that don't necessarily fit us, yet we spend countless hours, days, weeks, and years trying to squeeze and shrink and stretch and bend ourselves into contortionist positions simply to fit some standards that someone somewhere said was acceptable and worthy and "normal."
i would like to know who that someone somewhere was and rip them a new one.
okay, maybe not really, but i would like to finally stop trying to make myself into something i am not just to fit into society's definition of a well-rounded individual. who says i can't be well-rounded in my own way?
part of why i continue to cycle in and out of self-destruction is because i have these ideals and standards for how i think my life needs to look...how i think i need to look...how i think my future needs to look. i didn't just come up with all of it on my own. i received messages over time that i took in, kindled, grew and nurtured, and let slowly define who i was to become.
don't get me wrong. i am not solely blaming society for all the evils i have experienced. i think i was most likely going to experience some of this regardless because i am naturally an anxious, high achieving, overly cautious person to begin with. what i am saying is that i've spent way too many years thinking that the only way i am going to be worthy and acceptable is if i hold at least a master's degree and make six figures and drive a decent car and get married and have 3.5 children and live in a two story house surrounded by a cute little fence and have a porch swing. yes, a porch swing. regardless of the life i end up living, i WILL have a porch swing ;)
after talking to my mom during a phone session, she helped me realize that maybe, just maybe, the ideals i have about how my life should look aren't really fitting for who i am and my personality and my strengths. for example, i get bored with routine easily and when i get bored i need something to take up time and energy which has traditionally been an eating disorder, therefore boredom is a trigger for me. so maybe, working a traditional 9-5 job where i go clock in and out isn't really the most fitting for me. i am, however, a very good writer and a poignant speaker, so a possible career in journalism or broadcasting or speaking might be better suited for me and allow me a less routine and mundane day to day routine. it definitely isn't what i had pictured myself doing 10 years ago, but it could certainly be something i enjoy. and who is to say that it couldn't support me financially? and writing doesn't necessarily require a master's degree to be successful.
what? no master's degree? blasphamy!
but then again, why waste the time and money if i can still feel a sense of success without having to go through the stress of getting another degree?
i'm learning that i can still make a life for myself, a decent one at that, without having to stress myself out to the max, and quite possibly be happy while doing so. i don't have to walk around aimless because nursing school didn't work out and i don't have to feel hopeless about my future because i'm nearly 27 and don't have a white picket fence surrounding my cute little house yet.
so it isn't the future i had envisioned when i was 12 and sketching floorplans for my two story home. so what? life doesn't always work out the way we want it to, but it does have a funny way of working out, somehow.
i have to loosen the reins a little in order to see where life is going to take me, otherwise i will be stuck getting rope burns on my palms trying to hang on to the future i wanted when i'm clearly not getting that. why endure that pain when i can try something different, let go of control for a little while, and enjoy the ride. it may not always be smooth, but i trust that it will get me to some destination at some point in time.
i'm going to create a new mold for myself.
one that fits me.
and i will graciously step into it, as it will fit me well.
molds that don't necessarily fit us, yet we spend countless hours, days, weeks, and years trying to squeeze and shrink and stretch and bend ourselves into contortionist positions simply to fit some standards that someone somewhere said was acceptable and worthy and "normal."
i would like to know who that someone somewhere was and rip them a new one.
okay, maybe not really, but i would like to finally stop trying to make myself into something i am not just to fit into society's definition of a well-rounded individual. who says i can't be well-rounded in my own way?
part of why i continue to cycle in and out of self-destruction is because i have these ideals and standards for how i think my life needs to look...how i think i need to look...how i think my future needs to look. i didn't just come up with all of it on my own. i received messages over time that i took in, kindled, grew and nurtured, and let slowly define who i was to become.
don't get me wrong. i am not solely blaming society for all the evils i have experienced. i think i was most likely going to experience some of this regardless because i am naturally an anxious, high achieving, overly cautious person to begin with. what i am saying is that i've spent way too many years thinking that the only way i am going to be worthy and acceptable is if i hold at least a master's degree and make six figures and drive a decent car and get married and have 3.5 children and live in a two story house surrounded by a cute little fence and have a porch swing. yes, a porch swing. regardless of the life i end up living, i WILL have a porch swing ;)
after talking to my mom during a phone session, she helped me realize that maybe, just maybe, the ideals i have about how my life should look aren't really fitting for who i am and my personality and my strengths. for example, i get bored with routine easily and when i get bored i need something to take up time and energy which has traditionally been an eating disorder, therefore boredom is a trigger for me. so maybe, working a traditional 9-5 job where i go clock in and out isn't really the most fitting for me. i am, however, a very good writer and a poignant speaker, so a possible career in journalism or broadcasting or speaking might be better suited for me and allow me a less routine and mundane day to day routine. it definitely isn't what i had pictured myself doing 10 years ago, but it could certainly be something i enjoy. and who is to say that it couldn't support me financially? and writing doesn't necessarily require a master's degree to be successful.
what? no master's degree? blasphamy!
but then again, why waste the time and money if i can still feel a sense of success without having to go through the stress of getting another degree?
i'm learning that i can still make a life for myself, a decent one at that, without having to stress myself out to the max, and quite possibly be happy while doing so. i don't have to walk around aimless because nursing school didn't work out and i don't have to feel hopeless about my future because i'm nearly 27 and don't have a white picket fence surrounding my cute little house yet.
so it isn't the future i had envisioned when i was 12 and sketching floorplans for my two story home. so what? life doesn't always work out the way we want it to, but it does have a funny way of working out, somehow.
i have to loosen the reins a little in order to see where life is going to take me, otherwise i will be stuck getting rope burns on my palms trying to hang on to the future i wanted when i'm clearly not getting that. why endure that pain when i can try something different, let go of control for a little while, and enjoy the ride. it may not always be smooth, but i trust that it will get me to some destination at some point in time.
i'm going to create a new mold for myself.
one that fits me.
and i will graciously step into it, as it will fit me well.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
reasons to recover...
it is fast approaching the end of the month, which signifies the start of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. as i sit here grappling with the concept of recovery and what recovery means to me, i find myself torn between wanting all that comes with recovery yet fearful, as well. so, i find it important from time to time to remind myself of the reasons why i want recovery and what recovery will bring with it when i am able to achieve a life in solid recovery.
when i am living in recovery i will:
1. actually be present in social situations instead of simply pretending to be present
2. not have to hide behind accessories and make up and fancy clothes in order to feel confident
3. be able to run and play and enjoy the outdoors without tiring or becoming obsessive
4. eat when i am hungry and stop when i am full without experiencing an overwhelming sense of guilt.
5. be able to confront people in a loving manner
6. accept my emotions as emotions, deal with them, and then move on.
7. go back to school if i so choose
8. finish the book i started writing.
9. learn to budget my money because i will have learned to curb my shopping addiction.
10. laugh from the stomach and until it hurts
11. not be embarrassed to make a complete fool out of myself
12. be able to see the beauty in life instead of the obstacle in life
13. be able to honor my past without holding onto it.
14. have a healthy, intimate relationship.
15. start a family with lots of babies :)
16. travel the world and see the places i've always wanted to see.
17. learn how to ask for what i need using my voice and not my body.
18. stop punishing myself for something that wasn't even my fault.
19. learn how to stop being a doormat.
20. learn how to dream big, never lose hope, yet still be able to roll with life's punches.
sorry, there are so many more reasons i have to do this, to recover, but i had to stop with a nice, rounded number, haha. anyway, i am well aware that life in recovery is far from perfect. i had the best year and a half of my life here recently and it was still far from stellar...but it was almost completely free from obsessiveness and rigidity and self-hate and i had a generally healthy relationship with food, my body, others, and myself. therefore, i know it is possible and i know to expect it to be somewhat ordinary on most days, but at this point in time, i'm thinking ordinary and "okay" sound sooo much better than the alternative and i will take that any day.
what are your reasons to recover?
what makes you want to recover or what gives you the motivaton to stay in recovery if you are in recovery? i would love to hear from you!
much love,
LB
when i am living in recovery i will:
1. actually be present in social situations instead of simply pretending to be present
2. not have to hide behind accessories and make up and fancy clothes in order to feel confident
3. be able to run and play and enjoy the outdoors without tiring or becoming obsessive
4. eat when i am hungry and stop when i am full without experiencing an overwhelming sense of guilt.
5. be able to confront people in a loving manner
6. accept my emotions as emotions, deal with them, and then move on.
7. go back to school if i so choose
8. finish the book i started writing.
9. learn to budget my money because i will have learned to curb my shopping addiction.
10. laugh from the stomach and until it hurts
11. not be embarrassed to make a complete fool out of myself
12. be able to see the beauty in life instead of the obstacle in life
13. be able to honor my past without holding onto it.
14. have a healthy, intimate relationship.
15. start a family with lots of babies :)
16. travel the world and see the places i've always wanted to see.
17. learn how to ask for what i need using my voice and not my body.
18. stop punishing myself for something that wasn't even my fault.
19. learn how to stop being a doormat.
20. learn how to dream big, never lose hope, yet still be able to roll with life's punches.
sorry, there are so many more reasons i have to do this, to recover, but i had to stop with a nice, rounded number, haha. anyway, i am well aware that life in recovery is far from perfect. i had the best year and a half of my life here recently and it was still far from stellar...but it was almost completely free from obsessiveness and rigidity and self-hate and i had a generally healthy relationship with food, my body, others, and myself. therefore, i know it is possible and i know to expect it to be somewhat ordinary on most days, but at this point in time, i'm thinking ordinary and "okay" sound sooo much better than the alternative and i will take that any day.
what are your reasons to recover?
what makes you want to recover or what gives you the motivaton to stay in recovery if you are in recovery? i would love to hear from you!
much love,
LB
Saturday, February 4, 2012
What if?
"Your life is a gift. Accept it, no matter how screwed up or painful it seems to be. Some things are going to work out as if they were destined to happen...as if they were just meant to be..."
What if?
What if I had made a different decision? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I had never experienced trauma? What if I had actually given recovery a try during my first stay in treatment? What if I had worked harder in outpatient? What if I had been born with a different temperment? What if I hadn't moved? What if I had moved sooner? What if I had chosen a different major? What if I had gotten accepted into a different graduate program? What if I hadn't done some of the things I have done in life that have gotten me to where I am today?
What if?
I spend so much time asking myself "what if?" but in the complete wrong context. Someone challenged my perception recently by asking me "What if the best is yet to come? What if your life was meant to turn out the way it has?"
Wow.
What if the best has yet to come? I waste all my time and energy in a state of mourning because I think I am a lost cause, yet the best could be waiting right around the corner for me. This is why I must continue to fight, even when I grow tired and hopeless. If I give up now, I might be giving up right before things get really, really good. I have to keep reminding myself of this because it is so easy to get stuck in the past and to get caught up in all of the "what ifs." I was watching Grey's last night (as always, ha) and it was an entire episode about what would have happened if decisions and life courses had been different and I got to thinking about what my life would look life if I had done things differently. I automatically assume that things would look so much better, but what if they would have looked even worse. I will never know because I am on the path I am on and there is nothing I can do differently to change that now, other than make healthier decisions from here on out and just enjoy the life I have, pain and struggles and all. After all, I only get one life, so I kind of have to accept it for what it is, find the beauty where I can, and deal with it the best I know how.
No, I am not always this optimistic, though I do try to be and have been in the past. I just felt very challenged in a good way by the difference in perspective and it forced me to think about things for a different standpoint. And of course the timing was impecable. I had just been talking about how I felt like I might never get out of this cycle of disorder and chaos and how I could only hope that the eating disorder would become a smaller part of my life, but hoping for it to go away completely was wishful thinking. I was talking about how I needed to lower my expectations of myself because I didn't think that I would ever actually recover. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to call myself "recovered" honestly, and lowering my expectations some probably is a good idea so as not to set myself up for complete failure if I do have a slip here and there, but hoping that I can soon say I am in solid recovery isn't dreaming too big, I don't think. At least I don't think it's too big of a dream anymore. I was on the verge of giving up on myself, and it was just the boost I needed.
Funny how the little things can go a long way.
What if I loosen my grasp a little, change my perspective on life, myself, recovery, and my future, and let a little hope live on?
What if I don't give up on myself and instead give recovery one more shot?
What if I believe in the seemingly impossible, and just see if I can make it happen?
What if life can (and will!) be better?
What if the best is yet to come?
What if?
What if I had made a different decision? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I had never experienced trauma? What if I had actually given recovery a try during my first stay in treatment? What if I had worked harder in outpatient? What if I had been born with a different temperment? What if I hadn't moved? What if I had moved sooner? What if I had chosen a different major? What if I had gotten accepted into a different graduate program? What if I hadn't done some of the things I have done in life that have gotten me to where I am today?
What if?
I spend so much time asking myself "what if?" but in the complete wrong context. Someone challenged my perception recently by asking me "What if the best is yet to come? What if your life was meant to turn out the way it has?"
Wow.
What if the best has yet to come? I waste all my time and energy in a state of mourning because I think I am a lost cause, yet the best could be waiting right around the corner for me. This is why I must continue to fight, even when I grow tired and hopeless. If I give up now, I might be giving up right before things get really, really good. I have to keep reminding myself of this because it is so easy to get stuck in the past and to get caught up in all of the "what ifs." I was watching Grey's last night (as always, ha) and it was an entire episode about what would have happened if decisions and life courses had been different and I got to thinking about what my life would look life if I had done things differently. I automatically assume that things would look so much better, but what if they would have looked even worse. I will never know because I am on the path I am on and there is nothing I can do differently to change that now, other than make healthier decisions from here on out and just enjoy the life I have, pain and struggles and all. After all, I only get one life, so I kind of have to accept it for what it is, find the beauty where I can, and deal with it the best I know how.
No, I am not always this optimistic, though I do try to be and have been in the past. I just felt very challenged in a good way by the difference in perspective and it forced me to think about things for a different standpoint. And of course the timing was impecable. I had just been talking about how I felt like I might never get out of this cycle of disorder and chaos and how I could only hope that the eating disorder would become a smaller part of my life, but hoping for it to go away completely was wishful thinking. I was talking about how I needed to lower my expectations of myself because I didn't think that I would ever actually recover. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to call myself "recovered" honestly, and lowering my expectations some probably is a good idea so as not to set myself up for complete failure if I do have a slip here and there, but hoping that I can soon say I am in solid recovery isn't dreaming too big, I don't think. At least I don't think it's too big of a dream anymore. I was on the verge of giving up on myself, and it was just the boost I needed.
Funny how the little things can go a long way.
What if I loosen my grasp a little, change my perspective on life, myself, recovery, and my future, and let a little hope live on?
What if I don't give up on myself and instead give recovery one more shot?
What if I believe in the seemingly impossible, and just see if I can make it happen?
What if life can (and will!) be better?
What if the best is yet to come?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
not much to say today...
i've been so incredibly tired all day today.
i know it isn't from lack of sleep (at least not from last night's sleep) because i got my first good night's rest in quite some time. i'm thinking maybe my valliant effort to cut back on my seriously high caffeine intake may have contributed to the fatigue. i should probably try to be a little more gradual with that one, but hey, when i go for it i go big, ha.
regardless of the fatigue and the general bummed mood, i've managed to remember that each day brings with it small blessings, so here are the things i've noted for today...
1) first good night's rest in quite a long time...it felt amazing!
2) having an entire day off to just be.
3) going for a walk with my roommate and getting quality bonding time.
4) getting some things checked off my to-do/to-buy lists
5) grey's reruns!
6) getting a load of laundry done and having clothes that smell like dryer sheets. love.
sometimes i get so stuck in my own head that i fail to see the things in life that i can be thankful for and that make me happy. i often feel so disconnected from myself that i forget what it even is that makes me happy, so paying attention and being mindful of these things, even in small doses, helps me reconnect with myself and remember WHO it is i am trying to get back in touch with.
short and sweet. that is all i have to say today.
<3 LB
i know it isn't from lack of sleep (at least not from last night's sleep) because i got my first good night's rest in quite some time. i'm thinking maybe my valliant effort to cut back on my seriously high caffeine intake may have contributed to the fatigue. i should probably try to be a little more gradual with that one, but hey, when i go for it i go big, ha.
regardless of the fatigue and the general bummed mood, i've managed to remember that each day brings with it small blessings, so here are the things i've noted for today...
1) first good night's rest in quite a long time...it felt amazing!
2) having an entire day off to just be.
3) going for a walk with my roommate and getting quality bonding time.
4) getting some things checked off my to-do/to-buy lists
5) grey's reruns!
6) getting a load of laundry done and having clothes that smell like dryer sheets. love.
sometimes i get so stuck in my own head that i fail to see the things in life that i can be thankful for and that make me happy. i often feel so disconnected from myself that i forget what it even is that makes me happy, so paying attention and being mindful of these things, even in small doses, helps me reconnect with myself and remember WHO it is i am trying to get back in touch with.
short and sweet. that is all i have to say today.
<3 LB
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