Ever since I can remember, I've wanted a fence. Let me clarify. I've always wanted the white picket fence that surrounded my pretty house with my pretty garden and my pretty life. I wished over lit birthday candles for my white picket fence like a lot of little girls do. Then I got my Barbie house. It would have to do until I could get my own fence to proudly display and symbolize the perfect life. I continued to do all I could to ensure that one day I would end up with that coveted white picket fence, and instead, I turned myself inside out and into someone I never expected I'd be. Indeed, I did end up with a fenced in life, but I can guarantee you, it was no pretty white fence.
No, I've spent far more time than I'd care to admit teetering on the fence of complacency, hopping back and forth from sick to well and back again. I often think it feels safer just to reside on the fence rather than having to choose a side to wholly invest myself. Both sides feel equally treacherous in their own unique ways, so I stay atop the fence post, thinking I am invincible. Seldom does it occur to me that all it really takes is one strong gust of wind to blow me right out of my 'comfort zone' and onto a side, usually not the recovery side.
Maybe, if I planted myself on the ground rather than planting myself on the fence as often as I do, I would figure out that this journey is not a stagnant, still journey rather one that is always in motion. There is no time to stop and take root on the fence. I take 3 steps forward and one back. I hop over the fence, maybe take a quick rest on it but never get comfortable again because I have to keep moving one way or another. My goal now is to remind myself daily that just because I take a step back doesn't mean that has to be the direction I continue going. That is one of the most important things I am learning throughout this recovery process. I like to call this grace. I give myself grace and keep moving forward.
So, I don't have a white picket fence yet. No big deal. It definitely doesn't give me an excuse to settle for any other kind of fence in my life. I think life is more freeing without them anyway, right?
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
4.19.2013
Well hello there...it has been quite some time!
I am finally getting settled in and adjusting to all the changes that have just occured in my life, so I thought it was about time to do a little update.
Where to begin? I guess the most exciting update is that I have officially moved out of my parent's home and into my own apartment here in town. It is wonderful. Almost 1,000 square feet of my very own personal space. I have a screened in porch, tiled sunroom, kitchen with brand new stainless appliances, laundry with all new washer/dryers, huge walk in, separate vanity area for me to mess up with all my makeup (and still keep my bathroom looking presentable for guests, woo) and a great little bedroom. I even have a fireplace, though I will probably NEVER need it in Florida. The community itself is great, as well. Super shaded with awesome oaks and various other trees and it is really quiet and set back in a neighborhood. It has a 3 mile walking trail around the community, plus a renovated pool and a fitness center that is rather spacious. My little courtyard/area of units has been dubbed "moderation square" by the current residents. Most of my neighbors have lived here for 15-20 years and have done all kinds of landscaping and even wrapped hte giant oak in the middle with white christmas lights that they light up every night! It is so cute :) They invited me to the building maypole party they are throwing...cute, right? Anyway, I am loving living by myself. I can dance around in my underwear or turn my music up and I can keep the temperature exactly as I please. I do have to work a lot harder to keep myself accountable recovery wise, which is probably the hardest part about living alone.
Second exciting change - I started my new job on Monday. My official title is a Healh Coach for a newly formed ACO (accountable care organization). Basically, under the new healthcare reform they created these things called ACO's, which are supposed to shift healthcare to a more patient-centered, cost efficient type of care by targeting high risk patients (right now it's high risk medicare patients) being seen by doctors that have opted to join an ACO and then utilize clinical managers and health coaches to help work with them on preventative care and chronic disease management and keep them out of the hospitals and specialty offices and using their primary care doctors instead. So, my job will eventually be making hospital and home visits to patients, helping them manage their medications, utilize personal health records that they can take to their doctor visits with them, helping get them to doctor appointments and making good use of those appointments, helping with diet and smoking cessation and various other things that contribute to poor health. Basically, I will be doing a lot of case management. The program is still new so I am helping to get some things organized and in line so we can start actually working with the patients and not just the numbers. It should be interesting when I get to go out and do home visits! It has been a little stressful just because I don't really know a lot about what is going on right now with the business side of things but I am doing what I can on my end to better understand my role and what I will be doing. Here's to hoping.
Recovery wise, I am fighting the fight on a daily basis. Anyone who says recovery is easy is crazy. I have yet to get a therapist on board, which I know is probably not a good thing. I just keep wondering how I am going to fit in more appointments now that I am working but then I stop and think "i'm prioritizing work over recovery and it is supposed to be the other way around." I have had a hard time feeling motivated to go to my other appointments, like my dietitian and psychiatrist. I really like both of them, don't get me wrong, but I guess I just feel so far removed from an intense treatment team and intensive eating disorder work that I almost trick myself into thinking that I've done all the work that needed to be done and I am "over it." False. I clearly have days when I know I am not over it. In fact, that would be most days. It is just that those good days are the ones that cloud everything else and make me think I am all dandy. I also have some medical stuff going on that I need to get checked out, which I would normally be super on top of, but I have even been unmotivated to make some necessary doctor's appointments that I KNOW would provide me with answers and help me to feel better. I think I just feel SO burnt out on doctors and appointments that I don't want to do them anymore. I just want to go to work, come home, lay there, and then go to sleep. I have literally no energy. Maybe that is part of the medical mystery I'm also dealing with. Who knows.
What I do know is that I just wish I could wake up one day, just once, look in the mirror and be relatively okay with what I see. I know that what I am seeing is most likely not what other people see when they look at me, but even that logic doesn't settle my mind because I still have to look at the image staring back at me. I don't know how my lenses got so distorted in the first place. It's sad really, to think of how the brain can turn something so basic as a mirrored reflection into a torturous funhouse version that is so far from accurate...sorry, that was my little soapbox.
on a positive recovery note, i did get a milkshake today! i had been craving one for a lonnnng time so i finally got one, and drank it! and it was delish.
so yea, it is tough. everyday is a fight between body and mind. everyday is a war within myself. but each battle i win gets me one step closer to full freedom. so i'm going to keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
much love, <3>
I am finally getting settled in and adjusting to all the changes that have just occured in my life, so I thought it was about time to do a little update.
Where to begin? I guess the most exciting update is that I have officially moved out of my parent's home and into my own apartment here in town. It is wonderful. Almost 1,000 square feet of my very own personal space. I have a screened in porch, tiled sunroom, kitchen with brand new stainless appliances, laundry with all new washer/dryers, huge walk in, separate vanity area for me to mess up with all my makeup (and still keep my bathroom looking presentable for guests, woo) and a great little bedroom. I even have a fireplace, though I will probably NEVER need it in Florida. The community itself is great, as well. Super shaded with awesome oaks and various other trees and it is really quiet and set back in a neighborhood. It has a 3 mile walking trail around the community, plus a renovated pool and a fitness center that is rather spacious. My little courtyard/area of units has been dubbed "moderation square" by the current residents. Most of my neighbors have lived here for 15-20 years and have done all kinds of landscaping and even wrapped hte giant oak in the middle with white christmas lights that they light up every night! It is so cute :) They invited me to the building maypole party they are throwing...cute, right? Anyway, I am loving living by myself. I can dance around in my underwear or turn my music up and I can keep the temperature exactly as I please. I do have to work a lot harder to keep myself accountable recovery wise, which is probably the hardest part about living alone.
Second exciting change - I started my new job on Monday. My official title is a Healh Coach for a newly formed ACO (accountable care organization). Basically, under the new healthcare reform they created these things called ACO's, which are supposed to shift healthcare to a more patient-centered, cost efficient type of care by targeting high risk patients (right now it's high risk medicare patients) being seen by doctors that have opted to join an ACO and then utilize clinical managers and health coaches to help work with them on preventative care and chronic disease management and keep them out of the hospitals and specialty offices and using their primary care doctors instead. So, my job will eventually be making hospital and home visits to patients, helping them manage their medications, utilize personal health records that they can take to their doctor visits with them, helping get them to doctor appointments and making good use of those appointments, helping with diet and smoking cessation and various other things that contribute to poor health. Basically, I will be doing a lot of case management. The program is still new so I am helping to get some things organized and in line so we can start actually working with the patients and not just the numbers. It should be interesting when I get to go out and do home visits! It has been a little stressful just because I don't really know a lot about what is going on right now with the business side of things but I am doing what I can on my end to better understand my role and what I will be doing. Here's to hoping.
Recovery wise, I am fighting the fight on a daily basis. Anyone who says recovery is easy is crazy. I have yet to get a therapist on board, which I know is probably not a good thing. I just keep wondering how I am going to fit in more appointments now that I am working but then I stop and think "i'm prioritizing work over recovery and it is supposed to be the other way around." I have had a hard time feeling motivated to go to my other appointments, like my dietitian and psychiatrist. I really like both of them, don't get me wrong, but I guess I just feel so far removed from an intense treatment team and intensive eating disorder work that I almost trick myself into thinking that I've done all the work that needed to be done and I am "over it." False. I clearly have days when I know I am not over it. In fact, that would be most days. It is just that those good days are the ones that cloud everything else and make me think I am all dandy. I also have some medical stuff going on that I need to get checked out, which I would normally be super on top of, but I have even been unmotivated to make some necessary doctor's appointments that I KNOW would provide me with answers and help me to feel better. I think I just feel SO burnt out on doctors and appointments that I don't want to do them anymore. I just want to go to work, come home, lay there, and then go to sleep. I have literally no energy. Maybe that is part of the medical mystery I'm also dealing with. Who knows.
What I do know is that I just wish I could wake up one day, just once, look in the mirror and be relatively okay with what I see. I know that what I am seeing is most likely not what other people see when they look at me, but even that logic doesn't settle my mind because I still have to look at the image staring back at me. I don't know how my lenses got so distorted in the first place. It's sad really, to think of how the brain can turn something so basic as a mirrored reflection into a torturous funhouse version that is so far from accurate...sorry, that was my little soapbox.
on a positive recovery note, i did get a milkshake today! i had been craving one for a lonnnng time so i finally got one, and drank it! and it was delish.
so yea, it is tough. everyday is a fight between body and mind. everyday is a war within myself. but each battle i win gets me one step closer to full freedom. so i'm going to keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
much love, <3>
Saturday, March 23, 2013
the overdue florida post
i promised an official "welcome home to florida" post, so here it is...way delayed and overdue, but better late than never.
so, i got back home at the beginning of this month and moved back in with my parents. it has definitely been an adjustment living at home again but it's not as bad as i thought it would be. neither of my parents are home much, so it is kind of like having a big house all to myself. and i have cable, which i haven't had in almost 2 years so i am practically in heaven! (not to mention netflix, so i watched both seasons 1 and 2 of PLL finally!)
i brought cooper home to florida with me, but he didn't mesh well with my other two dogs and i had to keep him crated or outside on the porch every day in order for the three of them not to kill each other. he ended up being WAY more energetic than i originally thought, and i didn't have the ability to run him everyday like he needed and deserved, so my parents suggested i give him to a friend of ours whose dog just passed away. she has a son who was looking for a larger dog to train, so we went with that family. cooper has been in heaven since, and bonded immediately with them. he is doing great! i'm going to get another dog, but definitely one that is apartment sized and more of a lap dog...probably a shih tzu like i've had...or a peek-a-shit (a hybrid i created, haha!) or a bull-shit, or a shit-poo...nah, i'm just kidding ;)
i've been helping my sister-n-law out with her embroidery business while waiting to start my new job in the 15th of april. it helps me make some extra money and i get to spend my days with my sweet 18 month old nephew...i majorly missed that by living in tulsa!
After several weeks of trying to locate professionals, i finally got in to see my old dietitian, Alice, and got a new psychiatrist that i will see at the beginning of april. i still need to find a therapist, which is proving to be harder than expected. orlando is huge, but the resources are kind of limited here. my mom keeps telling me to get a therapist stat but i sometimes think i could do without. i know that isn't the case, but i've been almost a month now without one and it feels so "normal."
As for recovery, i'm doing alright so far. Definitely not perfect, and i have my struggles to work out but i'm generally holding my own. i did really well when i first got home but the body image piece has kicked in a lot lately and messed with my meal plan and behaviors some. meeting with my dietitian and meal planning have helped me regain perspective, now i just need to get out of my head and start remembering why recovery is so much better and why i NEED to maintain my weight/eat food/not work out/not use pills etc. i am also going to get involved with celebrate recovery as a free resource here in town and go to my dietitian's free group that she has going right now. maybe i can meet some people to have as support in the process.
i started looking at apartments today. i found two apartments that i really like and am having such a hard time narrowing it down. one apartment is located in a more secluded and wooded area with a 3 mile walking trail and is a one level spacious 1 bedroom. it has a screened in porch and comes with cable and valet trash. they have a small fitness center but a big pool and sun deck. the other apartment is actually a one bedroom townhome with an amazing bathroom, really nice kitchen, and modern amenities. no screened in porch. the complex has a tanning bed, sauna, hot tub, pools, and a 3,000 sq ft new fitness center that even offers zumba and aerobics classes. pretty cool stuff. they are both the same price and both higher than i would like to pay but nothing around here really falls into my "budget."
i'm just ready to have my own space. i'm going to have my big girl job and will be technically making enough money to live off of...i just won't be netting as much as i would like, so it makes me nervous. plus, i'm getting a "new" car, so i will have a car payment again.
oh, to be a grown up!
anyway, i've been doing way too much shopping lately and doing more tomorrow...going to look for a bathing suit at Urban Outfitters and going to check out IKEA...then hitting up the outlets. One thing i will never complain about here is the shopping :)) i was born for that!
well, y'all have a lovely evening <3>
so, i got back home at the beginning of this month and moved back in with my parents. it has definitely been an adjustment living at home again but it's not as bad as i thought it would be. neither of my parents are home much, so it is kind of like having a big house all to myself. and i have cable, which i haven't had in almost 2 years so i am practically in heaven! (not to mention netflix, so i watched both seasons 1 and 2 of PLL finally!)
i brought cooper home to florida with me, but he didn't mesh well with my other two dogs and i had to keep him crated or outside on the porch every day in order for the three of them not to kill each other. he ended up being WAY more energetic than i originally thought, and i didn't have the ability to run him everyday like he needed and deserved, so my parents suggested i give him to a friend of ours whose dog just passed away. she has a son who was looking for a larger dog to train, so we went with that family. cooper has been in heaven since, and bonded immediately with them. he is doing great! i'm going to get another dog, but definitely one that is apartment sized and more of a lap dog...probably a shih tzu like i've had...or a peek-a-shit (a hybrid i created, haha!) or a bull-shit, or a shit-poo...nah, i'm just kidding ;)
i've been helping my sister-n-law out with her embroidery business while waiting to start my new job in the 15th of april. it helps me make some extra money and i get to spend my days with my sweet 18 month old nephew...i majorly missed that by living in tulsa!
After several weeks of trying to locate professionals, i finally got in to see my old dietitian, Alice, and got a new psychiatrist that i will see at the beginning of april. i still need to find a therapist, which is proving to be harder than expected. orlando is huge, but the resources are kind of limited here. my mom keeps telling me to get a therapist stat but i sometimes think i could do without. i know that isn't the case, but i've been almost a month now without one and it feels so "normal."
As for recovery, i'm doing alright so far. Definitely not perfect, and i have my struggles to work out but i'm generally holding my own. i did really well when i first got home but the body image piece has kicked in a lot lately and messed with my meal plan and behaviors some. meeting with my dietitian and meal planning have helped me regain perspective, now i just need to get out of my head and start remembering why recovery is so much better and why i NEED to maintain my weight/eat food/not work out/not use pills etc. i am also going to get involved with celebrate recovery as a free resource here in town and go to my dietitian's free group that she has going right now. maybe i can meet some people to have as support in the process.
i started looking at apartments today. i found two apartments that i really like and am having such a hard time narrowing it down. one apartment is located in a more secluded and wooded area with a 3 mile walking trail and is a one level spacious 1 bedroom. it has a screened in porch and comes with cable and valet trash. they have a small fitness center but a big pool and sun deck. the other apartment is actually a one bedroom townhome with an amazing bathroom, really nice kitchen, and modern amenities. no screened in porch. the complex has a tanning bed, sauna, hot tub, pools, and a 3,000 sq ft new fitness center that even offers zumba and aerobics classes. pretty cool stuff. they are both the same price and both higher than i would like to pay but nothing around here really falls into my "budget."
i'm just ready to have my own space. i'm going to have my big girl job and will be technically making enough money to live off of...i just won't be netting as much as i would like, so it makes me nervous. plus, i'm getting a "new" car, so i will have a car payment again.
oh, to be a grown up!
anyway, i've been doing way too much shopping lately and doing more tomorrow...going to look for a bathing suit at Urban Outfitters and going to check out IKEA...then hitting up the outlets. One thing i will never complain about here is the shopping :)) i was born for that!
well, y'all have a lovely evening <3>
Thursday, March 7, 2013
my heart is heavy tonight...
i don't really have a lot to say tonight.
my heart is heavy and hurting for friends that i love and care about.
two of my dear friends are dying as a result of their eating disorders and without help, determination, and hope they aren't going to make their way out of the hell they are currently existing in. one of my friends is at ACUTE and not responding to the program there. i'm worried that if they can't even help her and if she won't allow them to help her then no one will be able to get through to her. her body is failing and so is her resolve. my other friend has been in and out of the medical hospital consistently since the fall and is only getting worse. her insurance refuses to cover her, which is absolutely wrong and absurd, therefore she can't get the help that she so desperately needs to get medically stabilized and mentally strong again.
it breaks my heart to see my friends struggling so much, and in such a fragile state. it scares me that either one of them could just not wake up one morning. it really makes me aware of the gravity of this illness. often times, actually more often than not, i think that i am invincible...that my body will never actually shut down or that i can be the exception that can restrict and purge and exercise without any serious consequences. when looking at myself and my own eating disorder, i never actually see myself potentially dying from it, even during the times that i have come so dangerously close to doing so. i always think i can push the envelope just a little bit further, yet, when i look at my friends i can see just how deadly they are and how devestated i would be if anything happened to my friends. i have lost several friends to the eating disorder and it was crushing. it also served as a major wake up call and reality check. i think it is always easier to see things and realize things when we look outside ourselves.
i just don't want this stupid illness to claim anymore innocent lives! it isn't fair! i wish things were different, that more help was readily available, that there was more awareness...i just wish i could do something for my friends, for others struggling, for everyone. it just makes me so sad.
anyway, i just needed to get that out.
i will do a "welcome home to florida blah blah" post tomorrow.
<3>
my heart is heavy and hurting for friends that i love and care about.
two of my dear friends are dying as a result of their eating disorders and without help, determination, and hope they aren't going to make their way out of the hell they are currently existing in. one of my friends is at ACUTE and not responding to the program there. i'm worried that if they can't even help her and if she won't allow them to help her then no one will be able to get through to her. her body is failing and so is her resolve. my other friend has been in and out of the medical hospital consistently since the fall and is only getting worse. her insurance refuses to cover her, which is absolutely wrong and absurd, therefore she can't get the help that she so desperately needs to get medically stabilized and mentally strong again.
it breaks my heart to see my friends struggling so much, and in such a fragile state. it scares me that either one of them could just not wake up one morning. it really makes me aware of the gravity of this illness. often times, actually more often than not, i think that i am invincible...that my body will never actually shut down or that i can be the exception that can restrict and purge and exercise without any serious consequences. when looking at myself and my own eating disorder, i never actually see myself potentially dying from it, even during the times that i have come so dangerously close to doing so. i always think i can push the envelope just a little bit further, yet, when i look at my friends i can see just how deadly they are and how devestated i would be if anything happened to my friends. i have lost several friends to the eating disorder and it was crushing. it also served as a major wake up call and reality check. i think it is always easier to see things and realize things when we look outside ourselves.
i just don't want this stupid illness to claim anymore innocent lives! it isn't fair! i wish things were different, that more help was readily available, that there was more awareness...i just wish i could do something for my friends, for others struggling, for everyone. it just makes me so sad.
anyway, i just needed to get that out.
i will do a "welcome home to florida blah blah" post tomorrow.
<3>
Thursday, February 28, 2013
the time has come...
I can't believe the time is actually here.
I pick my mom up from the airport tomorrow, we pack up Saturday and leave early Sunday morning. I still don't know how I feel. I'm excited, sad, scared, nervous, unsure...a little bit of everything all wrapped up in one. I know this is going to be such a huge change but I am really hoping that it will be the change that I need. I'm sad to leave all my soul sisters behind, but I know with time I will make friends in Florida and branch out.
I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get all the last minute things done, and I still have more to do. Work called and told me I didn't need to come back for the rest of the week, which sucks but was also a relief because I now have more time to get things done.Today turned out to be a great day, and a wonderful ending to this chapter here in Tulsa. I got to get in one last session with my OP therapist, which was really nice. I've been seeing her since 2009 on and off, mostly on, and so she has seen me through some major ups and downs. We both had our moment and cried a little. She is one of my favorite therapists and I will definitely miss seeing her.
After seeing her, I went over to Laureate to say goodbye to my inpatient therapist. I was nervous because of the weeks prior and all the chaos that had transpired but I am so glad that I went. I filled her in on my plans for Florida, updated her on how I've gotten myself back on track and am doing really well, and gave her a giraffe to add to her collection (whom I decided to name Emerson.) I'm pretty sure I saw a twinkle of pride in her eyes :) She is, by far, the best therapist I've ever had and I am really going to miss getting to see her around. As I was leaving she went to the couch and got "big hootie" the stuffed owl that I adopted in 2010 and toted around each time I went back inpatient. She handed him to me and told me he was mine. Who knew one could get so excited over a stuffed owl? It was quite possibly the best parting gift ever. Hootie has been with me through the long haul and he is going with me as I start a new chapter of my life. Love it.
I also ran into the program director and got to give her a hug, and saw both my dietitians and hugged their necks. I so needed that closure because I was worried that I was leaving on bad terms, or that I was running away without having said goodbye or cleared things up. It was much needed and I am glad I went back to say goodbye. They told me to come back and see them if I come back to town to visit. At least I know I haven't lost all support like I thought I had.
So anyway, I feel more prepared to make this journey now. Scary, but I think I can do it.
Now it's off to cinnabon with the girls and no-bake cookie making :)
<3>
I pick my mom up from the airport tomorrow, we pack up Saturday and leave early Sunday morning. I still don't know how I feel. I'm excited, sad, scared, nervous, unsure...a little bit of everything all wrapped up in one. I know this is going to be such a huge change but I am really hoping that it will be the change that I need. I'm sad to leave all my soul sisters behind, but I know with time I will make friends in Florida and branch out.
I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get all the last minute things done, and I still have more to do. Work called and told me I didn't need to come back for the rest of the week, which sucks but was also a relief because I now have more time to get things done.Today turned out to be a great day, and a wonderful ending to this chapter here in Tulsa. I got to get in one last session with my OP therapist, which was really nice. I've been seeing her since 2009 on and off, mostly on, and so she has seen me through some major ups and downs. We both had our moment and cried a little. She is one of my favorite therapists and I will definitely miss seeing her.
After seeing her, I went over to Laureate to say goodbye to my inpatient therapist. I was nervous because of the weeks prior and all the chaos that had transpired but I am so glad that I went. I filled her in on my plans for Florida, updated her on how I've gotten myself back on track and am doing really well, and gave her a giraffe to add to her collection (whom I decided to name Emerson.) I'm pretty sure I saw a twinkle of pride in her eyes :) She is, by far, the best therapist I've ever had and I am really going to miss getting to see her around. As I was leaving she went to the couch and got "big hootie" the stuffed owl that I adopted in 2010 and toted around each time I went back inpatient. She handed him to me and told me he was mine. Who knew one could get so excited over a stuffed owl? It was quite possibly the best parting gift ever. Hootie has been with me through the long haul and he is going with me as I start a new chapter of my life. Love it.
I also ran into the program director and got to give her a hug, and saw both my dietitians and hugged their necks. I so needed that closure because I was worried that I was leaving on bad terms, or that I was running away without having said goodbye or cleared things up. It was much needed and I am glad I went back to say goodbye. They told me to come back and see them if I come back to town to visit. At least I know I haven't lost all support like I thought I had.
So anyway, I feel more prepared to make this journey now. Scary, but I think I can do it.
Now it's off to cinnabon with the girls and no-bake cookie making :)
<3>
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Florida and leaving and closing chapters...
Well, it's official.
I'm moving back to the land of eternal sunshine (aka, Florida) a week from Saturday.
I can't believe I'm actually moving back on my own accord. I always said once I left Florida that I wasn't looking back and would never, ever move back. I had too much sunshine for a lifetime, and a few too many prehistoric bugs for my liking. I had enough of the plastic culture that was looks oriented and a climate that warranted shorts and tank tops nearly year round.
Yet, I find myself oddly excited about moving back this time. Don't get me wrong, I am SO sad to leave Tulsa. I have come to call Tulsa home. It is where I feel I fit the best out of all the places I've lived. It is a city that I just mesh with, and will miss the richness of this city. However, Tulsa also contains a lot of pain and sick memories. Orlando does too, but they aren't as fresh and raw.
I think it is time to move on from this chapter of my life and start a new one.
I had a tough week last week and I think it was the final straw in my decision making process. I started to seriously consider a move home and as soon as I started thinking about it, a seemingly perfect job fell into place that will allow me enough money to get an apartment and afford a "new" car. I will actually be in a job that will be utilizing my degree more than any other job I have held, and I will have a chance at advancement as well. I'm excited for that opportunity, but nervous as always to start something new.
So the decision has been made.
I will pack my car full, put my dog in the back, and my mom and I will embark on the 22 hour trip home to Florida. I'm leaving Tulsa a month before I start my other job to give me time to get a new treatment team established in Orlando, some time to spend a weekend or two at the beach, and time to do a little shopping, of course. I felt that was more conducive to recovery than leaving at the end of March and starting a new job right at the beginning of April.
It is always a little bittersweet when you close a chapter of your life and begin a new chapter. Leaving a piece of you behind is never easy. I feel like I will be leaving a big piece of me here in Tulsa, but hopefully some of that will be a positive piece. I hope I have made some kind of a positive impact while living here and I hope that I will make new, positive footprints as I go forth on my journey.
I'm going to miss everyone but I know that those who really matter to me will always be connected somehow.
I'm moving back to the land of eternal sunshine (aka, Florida) a week from Saturday.
I can't believe I'm actually moving back on my own accord. I always said once I left Florida that I wasn't looking back and would never, ever move back. I had too much sunshine for a lifetime, and a few too many prehistoric bugs for my liking. I had enough of the plastic culture that was looks oriented and a climate that warranted shorts and tank tops nearly year round.
Yet, I find myself oddly excited about moving back this time. Don't get me wrong, I am SO sad to leave Tulsa. I have come to call Tulsa home. It is where I feel I fit the best out of all the places I've lived. It is a city that I just mesh with, and will miss the richness of this city. However, Tulsa also contains a lot of pain and sick memories. Orlando does too, but they aren't as fresh and raw.
I think it is time to move on from this chapter of my life and start a new one.
I had a tough week last week and I think it was the final straw in my decision making process. I started to seriously consider a move home and as soon as I started thinking about it, a seemingly perfect job fell into place that will allow me enough money to get an apartment and afford a "new" car. I will actually be in a job that will be utilizing my degree more than any other job I have held, and I will have a chance at advancement as well. I'm excited for that opportunity, but nervous as always to start something new.
So the decision has been made.
I will pack my car full, put my dog in the back, and my mom and I will embark on the 22 hour trip home to Florida. I'm leaving Tulsa a month before I start my other job to give me time to get a new treatment team established in Orlando, some time to spend a weekend or two at the beach, and time to do a little shopping, of course. I felt that was more conducive to recovery than leaving at the end of March and starting a new job right at the beginning of April.
It is always a little bittersweet when you close a chapter of your life and begin a new chapter. Leaving a piece of you behind is never easy. I feel like I will be leaving a big piece of me here in Tulsa, but hopefully some of that will be a positive piece. I hope I have made some kind of a positive impact while living here and I hope that I will make new, positive footprints as I go forth on my journey.
I'm going to miss everyone but I know that those who really matter to me will always be connected somehow.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Decisions suck.
I'm facing a lot of decisions right now.
I have to move, one way or the other, but I'm trying to decide if I simply move into an apartment here in Tulsa and keep doing what I am doing or if I try going back home and starting over in Orlando. I hate making decisions and this one is a BIG decision. 50% of me is tied here to Tulsa because I finally found a full time job that I like and can do, and still do have some friends here, but I don't have the eating disorder support and connections like I used to. Who knows, that might be a good thing. The other half of me really does want to go home. I will be close to family, get to see my nephew grow up, have the beach back, and feel more secure if I am having a rough patch. I have a potential job in the works so as soon as I find out about that my decision will most likely be made. It is a pretty decent paying job that would allow me the funding to get my own apartment and still be close to family, get a new car, keep my sweet Cooper and practice independence. The hardest part will be establishing a team in Orlando. All I really have is the dietitian I saw before I left for Tulsa. My first instinct is to not see anyone and get going with "normalcy" but I know that is probably not a great idea, so I will just have to work to find providers who I mesh with and who will work with eating disorders.
I've gone back and forth about this like a million times this week. The whole issue with my treatment team here and all of that drama made me immediately call my mother and ask her to come get me, but then getting back to work made me want to stay here. If I do stay here, I will have to disconnect my ties with treatment here, other than my two providers I still have. Cutting ties will be really important. Gosh, I just don't know what to do. My parents really want me home. And of course, Orlando has the best shopping and eating and beaches and pools and nightlife ;) That is always a plus. I guess I would have to make some friends to enjoy that with.
For now, I will just continue to work and do my thing until I hear about the job in Florida and then go from there.
I have to move, one way or the other, but I'm trying to decide if I simply move into an apartment here in Tulsa and keep doing what I am doing or if I try going back home and starting over in Orlando. I hate making decisions and this one is a BIG decision. 50% of me is tied here to Tulsa because I finally found a full time job that I like and can do, and still do have some friends here, but I don't have the eating disorder support and connections like I used to. Who knows, that might be a good thing. The other half of me really does want to go home. I will be close to family, get to see my nephew grow up, have the beach back, and feel more secure if I am having a rough patch. I have a potential job in the works so as soon as I find out about that my decision will most likely be made. It is a pretty decent paying job that would allow me the funding to get my own apartment and still be close to family, get a new car, keep my sweet Cooper and practice independence. The hardest part will be establishing a team in Orlando. All I really have is the dietitian I saw before I left for Tulsa. My first instinct is to not see anyone and get going with "normalcy" but I know that is probably not a great idea, so I will just have to work to find providers who I mesh with and who will work with eating disorders.
I've gone back and forth about this like a million times this week. The whole issue with my treatment team here and all of that drama made me immediately call my mother and ask her to come get me, but then getting back to work made me want to stay here. If I do stay here, I will have to disconnect my ties with treatment here, other than my two providers I still have. Cutting ties will be really important. Gosh, I just don't know what to do. My parents really want me home. And of course, Orlando has the best shopping and eating and beaches and pools and nightlife ;) That is always a plus. I guess I would have to make some friends to enjoy that with.
For now, I will just continue to work and do my thing until I hear about the job in Florida and then go from there.
Monday, February 11, 2013
letting go and moving on...
It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow. - grey's anatomy
when do you know it's time to move on? when do you know you've had enough and gotten all you can out of something and the time is right to let it go and just move past it? the letting go, though painstaking and excruciating, is the easy part in a sense. the moving on is the hardest part. i've done the letting go, now i have to move on. i was stuck, with my feet in the quicksand of my past, needing something to catapult me forward, to force me to move on. i've finally gotten what i need. i got the reassurance that i can do life without the caudling of an outpatient team/outpatient groups. i know how to follow a meal plan and maintain my weight and reach out when i need support. i don't need people there 24/7 telling me what to do and how to do it. if i haven't learned it by now, i doubt i ever will. plus, i'm tired of putting my trust in people who will inevitably disappoint and fail me, so it is easier and less messy to do it alone anyway. it may sound like i'm giving up or making a stupid decision, but for me it really is moving on. i've been in active therapy for 14 years now, and maybe what i need is some time away from all of this. maybe i need to try this for myself and see how things go. i can always start back up with people if i fall flat on my face, but i will never know if i don't try.
so, i'm letting go and moving on. i'm done with treatment and i'm done with living my life around appointments and providers and little pieces of paper. i'm ready to try out normal life and see how it goes. it's painful, and i will miss the people that helped me the most, but cutting ties and moving on is the best thing i can do right now for myself and my wellbeing.
we'll see how this goes.
when do you know it's time to move on? when do you know you've had enough and gotten all you can out of something and the time is right to let it go and just move past it? the letting go, though painstaking and excruciating, is the easy part in a sense. the moving on is the hardest part. i've done the letting go, now i have to move on. i was stuck, with my feet in the quicksand of my past, needing something to catapult me forward, to force me to move on. i've finally gotten what i need. i got the reassurance that i can do life without the caudling of an outpatient team/outpatient groups. i know how to follow a meal plan and maintain my weight and reach out when i need support. i don't need people there 24/7 telling me what to do and how to do it. if i haven't learned it by now, i doubt i ever will. plus, i'm tired of putting my trust in people who will inevitably disappoint and fail me, so it is easier and less messy to do it alone anyway. it may sound like i'm giving up or making a stupid decision, but for me it really is moving on. i've been in active therapy for 14 years now, and maybe what i need is some time away from all of this. maybe i need to try this for myself and see how things go. i can always start back up with people if i fall flat on my face, but i will never know if i don't try.
so, i'm letting go and moving on. i'm done with treatment and i'm done with living my life around appointments and providers and little pieces of paper. i'm ready to try out normal life and see how it goes. it's painful, and i will miss the people that helped me the most, but cutting ties and moving on is the best thing i can do right now for myself and my wellbeing.
we'll see how this goes.
Friday, February 8, 2013
pupdate :)
It has been one crazy week.
Biggest news of all, I got Cooper! He is a precious little bundle of non-stop energy! I love every inch of him, but I think he loves my nose more. I bought him all sorts of toys and bones and he still loves fingers, toes and noses the best. I definitely made a committment when I got him and if it was a mistake then it was the best mistake I've ever made.
I have a lot of other decisions to make in the near future. I need to be finding an apartment, stat. I have to move by the beginning of March and I keep forgetting that February is a short month. As soon as I get my next paycheck I am putting a deposit down on an apartment and starting to pack. I hate moving and packing but I am excited to move somewhere that has hot water and proper heat and reliable maintenance. Cooper can also run around without me panicking that he is going to ruin someone else's things. It will be nice to have my own space.
Work is going really well. I'm adapting to full time hours and responsibilities and it actually feels good to be responsible and have something to wake up for everyday. I am also liking my coworkers and my work environment, which is nice.
Recovery is going well, overall. Everyday is a battle but each day that I choose to show up and fight is a day I win. I never thought I could do this but I'm doing it, which feels amazing. And I am doing it for myself and no one else, which is also different.
Anyway, just a short update. Now to liter with cute puppy pictures!
Biggest news of all, I got Cooper! He is a precious little bundle of non-stop energy! I love every inch of him, but I think he loves my nose more. I bought him all sorts of toys and bones and he still loves fingers, toes and noses the best. I definitely made a committment when I got him and if it was a mistake then it was the best mistake I've ever made.
I have a lot of other decisions to make in the near future. I need to be finding an apartment, stat. I have to move by the beginning of March and I keep forgetting that February is a short month. As soon as I get my next paycheck I am putting a deposit down on an apartment and starting to pack. I hate moving and packing but I am excited to move somewhere that has hot water and proper heat and reliable maintenance. Cooper can also run around without me panicking that he is going to ruin someone else's things. It will be nice to have my own space.
Work is going really well. I'm adapting to full time hours and responsibilities and it actually feels good to be responsible and have something to wake up for everyday. I am also liking my coworkers and my work environment, which is nice.
Recovery is going well, overall. Everyday is a battle but each day that I choose to show up and fight is a day I win. I never thought I could do this but I'm doing it, which feels amazing. And I am doing it for myself and no one else, which is also different.
Anyway, just a short update. Now to liter with cute puppy pictures!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Your test...
"Your test can become your testimony."
Healing comes when we least expect it.
I've sat around, knees bruised from hitting the ground in prayer, waiting for the one miracle to happen, to suddenly occur.
When nothing happened and nothing changed I got so defeated and discouraged. I slowly lost all faith that things could ever be different for me, or that I would ever experience healing.
It wasn't until recently, when I had something happen that pushed me and made me so obstinent and stubborn (in a good way) that I began to experience healing.
I'm two weeks completely behavior free now, and my thoughts are more clear than they have been in a long time. I can eat what I want and make choices based on hunger/fullness cues. I also listen to my cravings and try my best to honor them. I still have body image issues and I'm still fighting each day because each day is a battle, but I don't spend 24 hours a day thinking, overthinking, thinking myself into a panic.
For once, I'm seeing that things actually CAN get better. When I finally let go, I got back control of my life.
It's refreshing to think about that concept, and control in that way. You have to give it up to get it back.
I'm going to forever be "in recovery." For me, that viewpoint clicks because it doesn't leave me any room to get lax with my recovery and forget that I can so easily fall back into old patterns if I'm not paying attention. I am excited, though, to be able to use my journey in whatever way I can, to spread awareness, help others, and continue the healing for myself.
I want my test to have become my ultimate testimony.
Healing comes when we least expect it.
I've sat around, knees bruised from hitting the ground in prayer, waiting for the one miracle to happen, to suddenly occur.
When nothing happened and nothing changed I got so defeated and discouraged. I slowly lost all faith that things could ever be different for me, or that I would ever experience healing.
It wasn't until recently, when I had something happen that pushed me and made me so obstinent and stubborn (in a good way) that I began to experience healing.
I'm two weeks completely behavior free now, and my thoughts are more clear than they have been in a long time. I can eat what I want and make choices based on hunger/fullness cues. I also listen to my cravings and try my best to honor them. I still have body image issues and I'm still fighting each day because each day is a battle, but I don't spend 24 hours a day thinking, overthinking, thinking myself into a panic.
For once, I'm seeing that things actually CAN get better. When I finally let go, I got back control of my life.
It's refreshing to think about that concept, and control in that way. You have to give it up to get it back.
I'm going to forever be "in recovery." For me, that viewpoint clicks because it doesn't leave me any room to get lax with my recovery and forget that I can so easily fall back into old patterns if I'm not paying attention. I am excited, though, to be able to use my journey in whatever way I can, to spread awareness, help others, and continue the healing for myself.
I want my test to have become my ultimate testimony.
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