better day today...less tears and more planning ahead for the future. i'm still feeling kind of bummed about the whole situation but hoping my plan B to move towards nursing school works out. i'd really like to move in with my friend from nashville and live in nashville for a little while. i think the change of scenery would be really good for me, but i just don't know if i can swing that financially, find a job, etc.
i talked about the whole grad school thing with some people that i trust and respect, and got some good encouragement and advice about how to change my perspective. very helpful.
this is a prime opportunity for the ED to rear its ugly head, and trust me it is trying to, but i keep reminding myself that i am here, at this point in life, largely because of the eating disorder, and if i choose to allow that back into my life again i am only going to perpetuate the cycle and stay stuck, with nowhere to go. at some point in time, i have to face up to the challenges of life and get going. i think somewhere in the back of my mind i always thought that i could have both a life AND an eating disorder, and that having to take short breaks from life to get the eating disorder under control would be manageable for the rest of my life without effecting my goals, dreams, career, and so forth. WRONG. there are only so many second chances when it comes to certain things. i found the limit in terms of grad school and have to forefit one of my dreams, and i am sure there are other limits in life. bottom line - i can't have both because having an eating disorder prevents one from experiencing life. the day to day becomes focused on the numbers, the next meals, the worry, stress, anxiety, and constant chaos of calculations that only leave me feeling unable to ever measure up. frankly, that is not life. that is existing as a shell of a human being among those who know what it is to truly live the day to day. math is not my strong suit, so maybe it is time to really let go of trying to come up with an exact formula that will result in the perfect life.
(wow, that was a complete ramble!)
i'm tired of being stuck, and ready to get a move on...now, if i just knew where to go. wait wait wait, life is not a destination, it's a journey ;)
<3 LB
"math is not my strong suit, so maybe it is time to really let go of trying to come up with an exact formula that will result in the perfect life.
ReplyDelete(wow, that was a complete ramble!"
Wow- as usual this post could have been written by me. I am sure I have written something so similar in my journal I keep at home...I swear I keep trying to find a formula- the "perfect" balance between ED and life and as you said I am realizing that simply is not possible and I don't want to sacrifice anymore to have ED in my life- I do not want another opportunity to pass me by because of it. And you are absolutely right- it is the perfect time for ED to rear its ugly head but it will not solve ANYTHING. This time has to be one of the most extraordinarily difficult times in your life LB but if you can get through this and remind yourself that you are WORTH LOVING and deserve health than you can get through anything. I know this is on a much lesser scale but I feel this way right now about stupid chemistry and who knows- maybe I willl feel this way about nursing schools once my rejection/acceptance letters start to roll in- BUT as my therapist always reminds me- allowing ED to take over during these times will just make matters worse :( YOU CAN DO THIS- I really want to leave you a Youtube video because I have so much to say that is hard to articulate in typing. But lately I have been thinking of multiple plans and trying to feel "ok" about the future and just ok with the fact that sometimes things may not happen exactly how I planned- and the more I can remind myself of all potential outcomes and all the good ways that life may enfold the less depressed and upset I become about my future. Right now I feel like I have plans A-F and honestly having all of those are kind of nice :)
As I see it LB-maybe a few years down the road (or even sooner) you will realize that you in fact are much happier in nursing (if that is what you decide to do) and that perhaps being a therapist was not the best match for you. However, you may also still be a therapist and work in mental health in nursing (mental health nurse practitioner) and do the exact same thing PLUS have all of that medical knowledge! In my eyes- that is 10x cooler ;) I don't know, I just see your beautiful face and adorable spunk of a personality and think you would be an incredible nurse! I feel like nursing keeps the windows open for opportunity so if you "burn out" persay you can just switch to another kind of nursing whereas in therapy- you are a BIT stuck-not completely but I don't know. Trust me I've done lots of thought on the pros and cons of nursing vs psych ;)
Love,
Jessica