wow...
it's been a little while since i last made an entry. forgive me for that!
a lot has been going on the past couple of weeks. first, i went to meet a friend from Laureate at Hilton Head, SC...such a great weekend! we had a blast and it was so great getting to catch up with someone who truly gets me. we also met up with another friend who lives in Savannah, GA for a night in the "walking city." enjoyed some tacos at the mexican restaurant and then topped off the evening with chocolate fondue! the conclusion to a perfect night! so, the weekend came to an end much too soon, and i had to get back to the daily grind, which has proven to be rather frustrating lately. first, i have been in the process of trying to get back into grad school, and have been waiting to hear back since the beginning of October...it has been a frustrating progression of correspondences between myself and my professor. in the last e-mail my professor asked for my mailing address, leaving me to assume that i should be expecting something in the mail...well, that was over 2 weeks ago. i am doing my very best to be patient with the process, but how do i go about making other plans when i still don't know anything? if i do get back into grad school then i will move back to Hattiesburg, but if i don't get back in then i need to come up with plan B. i am feeling pretty stuck in my life right now. i want to move on and doing something meaningful with my life, but finances seem to be getting in the way. am i really 25 years old and stuck? i know there has got to be a way to do what i would like to do, but i just feel like i continually hit brick walls. i'm going to keep trying, keep planning, and keep looking for options. i will not settle!!
in terms of recovery, well it's definitely a daily challenge. overall, i am doing pretty well, though this past week has been a little rough. i am frustrated with my body and its lack of response to what i have been doing. i am eating healthy and following my mealplan, exercising, and staying active in general, yet i am staying at a weight that i am not comfortable with. no, it's not an ED kind of uncomfortable, more like they gave me a weight range and i am pushing that. i realize that this may very well be where my body wants to settle, and i guess that is what i am having the hardest time dealing with. the ed thoughts keep popping up and telling me things i could do to promote weight loss or ways i can change up my food to get "healthier" or just work out a LITTLE more...i KNOW the truth, that all that i am feeling and experiencing right now with feeling stuck in life is a direct result of having an eating disorder and having to put my life on hold to save it, and that going back to the ed will only perpetuate that, yet it seems so alluring. i wish i was at a place where it was easy to ignore the thoughts and put them behind me but i am not there yet. it may take some time before i get there. so each day that i deal with the persistent and rather loud thoughts it becomes a FIGHT to do the next right thing. I am doing it, but it is damn hard to do! i also want to be able to be more comfortable in my skin, but i just can't seem to see what everyone else does. i'm working on it though!
other randoms - i leave for tulsa in 20 days! i am beyond ecstatic to see all of my loves, and get to meet up with some of my favorite staff from L and do office lunch dates and such. it will be a good trip to help keep me in check, and i get to be back in the place that really feels like home to me. i really do miss tulsa.
the holidays are coming up and there is definitely anticipation and anxiety involved. i will actually be at home this holiday season and not in treatment, so this will be a good challenge for me. definitely nervous!
oh, and the book is coming along good...i think i am going to include an excerpt in my next entry!
well, thats about it. time for some shut eye. night.
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