tears quota...

well, i met my tears quota for the month last night.

my mother had been out of town for the weekend, so when she got home last night we went to get something to eat and then came home and sat in her room chatting about the weekend, her trip, etc. She brought up UCF and their nursing program and asked me if i thought i could get into their program...so, i had to explain about preprequsites and their application deadline and all of that information. as SOON as i started talking about something related to my future, i burst into tears. the more i talked about life, the more emotional i became. i realized everything i had been holding back was just spilling out. i talked about feeling stuck in life, not knowing where to go from here, being lonely, missing my friends, but moreso missing the normalcy i once felt. i miss girls nights, and dinner dates, game nights, and being able to go next door and spend time with some of my best friends. i miss feeling connected to others. that led into telling my mom about how frustrated i am with recovery right now. i wasn't happy back then, and felt lonely...much like i do right now, only my brain keeps saying, "at least i was thin." i KNOW that going back is not the answer...it's not even an option, yet it is still hard for me to justify why i chose recovery when nothing feels like it has changed. my mom told me that it may not feel worth it just yet but it will. don't get me wrong, i know without a doubt that it IS worth it, and i am beyond grateful to have my life back. i guess i am just dealing with that itch to move on and do something more with my life...to really feel firsthand what the hype about recovery is all about.

on a side note, i e-mailed my school again today...finally just asked if they could tell me yes or no so that i can plan accordingly...either plan to go back, or plan to move on and explore new avenues in life, which will most likely be nursing. we'll see what becomes of this new correspondence.

xoxo