no anchoring allowed

well, i am FINALLY about over  the strep stuff and feeling much better physically.
i had a mini meltdown sunday and monday, but i think that was much needed, as i had been holding back a lot of my emotions. in fact, i think i've subconsciously been doing that a lot since being home. i left laureate very afraid of having a bad day...mainly because i was, and still am, doing well and my friends and family have been so excited for me and proud of me that i was afraid of disappointing them, making them worry, or admitting that i am not always as strong as i would like people to think i am. this fear of letting people see the real me is something i had to work on in treatment and continue to work on in therapy. the evidence shows that i am still just as accepted and loved when i show a gamut of emotions, versus the happy plastic smile, yet i still have an innate fear that i will be rejected if people really see what is underneath. so i hold back, and have been holding back since coming home. i know it worries my parents when i have a bad body image day, or randomly burst into tears, but sometimes i just need to express those things and get them out. it actually helps to further my progress. all that said, i had my meltdown, cried (a lot), and now feel more focused. i don't know what the plan for my life looks like, but i know the few options i have in front of me, and know what i need to do to make that happen. for instance, i really would like to move to nashville with a friend. i am by no means made of money, so i need a job lined up that can cover rent, bills, food, gas, and anything extraneous. i'm in the process of scoping out jobs, buffing up my resume, and applying to see what happens. if i stay in florida, i am in the process of looking at a local nursing school, signing up at the community college to take some prereqs, and preparing to go that route. i decided that i need a plan, or something to be working towards. this holding pattern that i am stuck in right now is really doing a number on my mood, which in turn does a number on my body image. i have to start moving, even it if is just inches at a time. you know, i never was one who was patient enough to sit in traffic on the interstate. i would rather go out of the way to go around just so i'd be moving than sit  in stop and go traffic. i suppose it is the same with life. i'd rather put extra effort into something that may not even happen or be a possibility, than just sit around and wait...i guess i'm a doer.
anyway, that was quite a ramble just to say that i am feeling more focused, and more determined than ever to have something to do come january. i need to stay active in life, mentally and physically, so i don't lose the information i have already learned. i have to keep going, even when all i feel like doing is anchoring to the safe, familiar, and comfortable...

xo