Well, thanksgiving is over, and it's officially the Christmas season! Yesss. I love this season with all the music, festivities, get togethers, and time with family and friends. It also means that I have almost survived another year and get a fresh new start. Thank goodness for new starts.
Thanksgiving went well...spent time with my family and had a nice, quiet weekend. I did my fair share of black friday shopping, starting with old navy where i got some awesome deals, then on to Joann's Fabrics, where I got my Cricut and some accessories to go along with it! Then my mom and I went to Kirklands, where I got my new rolling duffle bag that I have been wanting, and went to Homegoods/Marshalls, where I got the cutest navy and cream striped cardigan with lace trim and gold buttons...so classy! Needless to say, I was pretty satisfied with how the shopping extravaganza went.
Then on Saturday I came down with strep...wonddderful. I have been pretty miserable for the past few days :( But good news is, it seems to be clearing up some! Maybe this week I will get some of my energy back and can go for a run, or spend some time outdoors. I've been cooped up and under blankets for the last 3 days.
Today, however, has been a little rough. My emotions have just been SO on edge, and I can't seem to control the tears. I stubbed my toe when coming out of my room today, yelled some profanity right in front of my mom, the threw the exercise ball (which caused me to stub my toe) across the room and into a shelve full of pictures and christmas decorations. oops. it kind of shocked me how something so little like stubbing my toe (though it hurt like hell!) could send me into such a rage. I then proceeded to get in the shower and just cry. It was like all of these feelings inside me now had permission to be released, and that is exactly what I did. I cried until I could hardly breathe, trying to be quiet since I didn't want to warrant any concern. I just feel so raw lately. everything hurts, yet if you asked me to really identify what the hurt was, i couldn't tell you. Right now, a lot of it stems from my grad school readmission rejection letter, but I had an enormous amount of hurt and pain inside before I actually found out. Now, I am questioning if this is worth it. Is recovery worth it? I did everything I was supposed to, went to treatment, gained the weight back, worked through my issues, and discharged on such a good and hopeful note...hoping that there would be this wonderful life awaiting me, with friends, a job, school, laughter, and enjoyment, yet that is not how it has been. I have NO friends here in Orlando, so I don't get out or do anything at all. I have a part time job which basically consists of killing time 5 days a week, and there is no laughter or enjoyment...and now, no school. I keep wondering what the purpose in getting better was? Is this really as good as it gets? If I can no longer be a therapist, how am I supposed to help others who are dealing with the same things I dealt with? That is what I thought my purpose was...I guess not. I just feel like there is no plan for my life now...no direction. And I hate spinning aimlessly, with no goal ahead. Maybe I am supposed to be learning how to enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination.
I hope I am not too drab or depressing...I'm just struggling to find some purpose in all of this...
<3 LB
Missy- I know I owe you a message and I wish that we could actually talk talk so that I could tell you just how wrong you are about all of this! Yes, I am sorry you are WRONG...W.R.O.N.G. You may be feeling these things and it sucks but IT IS WORTH IT and I truly believe you have to give it MORE AND MORE TIME. I know you may not believe me because I am in a similar process and I often question whether it is worth it too but I do firmly believe that it has to be worth it somewhere-and even more so that I can say perhaps with more confidence is that YOU INDEED can still help people with eating disorders LB! I want you to make your own decisions- and I know maybe you are not too keen on nursing and I hate to pressure you into it, but since you are lookign at that there are SO MANY WAYS you can do that! When I was at Renfrew the main "medical doctor" was a NP and one of the psychiatrists was ALSO AN NP! YOU CAN DO IT...the same deal- you can even be a therapist as a nurse- but you also have the medical skill set- how cool is that? So yes you do have a plan and if you throw the ball in now than how will you be able to take courses-complete the pre-reqs- apply to a nursing program etc? You simply can't! And even moreso with nursing perhaps, is the necessity to be WELL- I used to think that maybe with nursing I could get away with being "anorexic" sick what have you- but people's physical lives are on the line- you can't not see straight or be thinking clearly and give someone 500 mL of meds instead of 50 you know? Just a thought. I love you and would hate to see yourself give up or backslide because of graduate school. I can't imagine how painful that alone must have been ON TOP of simply getting out of treatment and trying to do your best. Remember that this is still new to you! I know you have been doing extraordinarly hard work but you are still fresh into this recovery process. Give yourself time my lovebug!
ReplyDeleteLove
Jessica