move forward..

She would change everything for happy every after...caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster...

I would...I would change everything for happy ever after. I want to believe in the happy ever after, that things always work out for the best, that life has a way of leading you in the direction you are supposed to be...but really, where would I be right now if things in my past had looked different. Would I still be in grad school, or even done? Would I have a relationship by now, would I be settled into a career, or even a family? It is really easy for me to think, "what if" and look back, but looking back only keeps me stuck in the same place I am currently at. I have to look forward in order to move forward. That said, right now looking forward seems next to impossible. I just received the rejection letter from the graduate program I was in. They won't readmit me because I haven't shown consistent recovery since withdrawing. True. I entered treatment, stayed for 7 months, discharged, relapsed in a short period of time, then re-entered treatment for another 4.5 months, and am now doing very well and KNOW in my heart that I am on the path to success. I guess I'm just feeling a little discouraged because I have worked SO hard the last year and a half+ on recovery, partly because I did want to go back to school and be able to make a career out of helping others like myself. I guess that wasn't that path that life had in store for me, because I can't go back. Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I do with my life now? I don't have a choice except to move forward, but to where? My plans for life are so gone now...guess I have to rely on the plans of someone who knows my every hair, the exact number of breaths I have taken, how many tears I have cried (to date, including today!) and knows what my life from here on out is going to look like. But that is scary, because I don't have the control anymore...my nice, neat little plans are no more. I have to trust that there is something greater out there for me and just continue to move forward.
Moving forward - it's all I can do now.
Move forward in faith.

<3 LB