I'm really struggling with body image today, and feeling like I take up too much space in the world. These tapes are all too familiar. They have played relentlessly over and over and over again until I have them memorized and can recite them without hesitation. In fact, they have been played so many times that it has become hard for me to distinguish my own voice from these tapes i have collected over the years. today is one of those days when the messages i have carried around with me sound a lot like my own voice. i am feeling very spacious today, and feeling like i am extra visible and exposed today. that is hard tape for me to dispute because logically, i am more visible because there is more of me. but what i have to keep reminding myself is that my twisted quest to disappear to the eyes of others only made me that much MORE visible. the act of disappearing is, in fact, quite a visible act. so on days like today when my brain tells me if i only lost a little weight maybe i wouldn't feel so exposed, i have to attempt to quell that train of thought by reminding myself that wasting away, losing weight, shrinking, will not make me any less visible than i already am. i know this talk about visibility probably sounds silly, but it is a very real issue for me. one of safety. i am not like a 7 year old who wants to be invisible to the naked eye so they can be a superhero. no, i simply don't want to stand out and draw extra attention to myself. i become very anxious and all, which isn't very fun. i like to stay within my comfort zone. i also struggle with feeling like i am often not enough, yet too much all at the same time. my eating disorder served many purposes at different points in time, one being that it dampened my personality, which then prevented me from having to constantly worry that i was too loud, too annoying, too overbearing, too _____ insert your word, i'm sure i felt it. and when i had an eating disorder, a lot less was expected from me, therefore i felt the "not enough" part didn't matter quite as much because the expectations were lower. now that i am trying to do this recovery thing, the too much/not enough issue has arisen. it's all about finding balance, i suppose. the balance between two ends of the extremes. yes, balance is quite difficult for me. balancing positive and negative, too much and not enough, outgoing and introverted, give and take...i often have difficulty finding the middle ground, which has a tendency to get me into trouble...but it is something that i continue to work on...a skill i am attempting to develop and perfect...well, at least make progress in that area. i'm trying not to expect perfection from myself these days, though i am a perfectionist by nature.
so back to the bad body image day, because i think i just went full circle. i know that i will never be "perfect" in the physical sense, and trying to achieve that mystery of perfection has nearly cost me my life, but i do tend to focus on areas that i consider to "need improvement." you know in elementary school how they would write "needs improvement" on report cards...well, i rarely got those, but the few occasions i did, i set my mind to doing just that...making the necessary improvements. i became driven and obsessive, perfectionistic. i have also done that with my body, and i no longer want to remain a slave to the "needs improvement" mentality...maybe i "need acceptance" instead. So those areas that I feel are not quite as they should be are the areas in which i am TRYING to practice acceptance. generally, i'm learning how to do that, but every now and then, as is today, i find that a little harder to do.
so for today, my goal will be to think instead of physical areas "needing improvement" that those areas "need acceptance and love." how about i put that on my recovery report card ;)
that is all the ramblings for now...
<3 LB
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