and she speaks the truth...

I found out last night that another friend that I was at Laureate with is going back to treatment. I feel like everyone around me is falling apart...and my first instict is to help pull them back together...but in that process i am liable to start to ravel and fray and then fall apart, myself. i get emotionally connected...too emotionally connected, i believe. i love my friends, to pieces and in pieces...i will never give up on anyone that is going through this process...no matter what. but i also know now that i have to do what i need to do in order to take care of myself so that i can be there for them.
I also need some space to evaluate my own recovery. Though I am still in recovery, behaviorally, i am also struggling with the mental and emotional piece. My body image sucks, my urges are pretty high these days, though i'm not acting on them, and i'm becoming a little obsessive in the way i view food and exercise. though i'm still not using any behaviors, i am well aware that for me, the thoughts come first, then the behaviors. so, i can recognize that this is a slippery slope i am on, and i'm trying to do what i can to not slip and slide. i know now that i have the capability to recover, to do what it takes...now, my question is 'do i have what it takes to stay in recovery?' that, i'm honestly not sure about. I want to believe that I do, since I now have some evidence, but do i trust myself and my body enough to just be patient and wait this all out. i'm not typically a very patient person and if i want results i tend to take the quick fix route...i'm trying to do things differently, with all that i have, i'm trying. now, to see if i can do it will be the real challenge.
just thought i would give an update on how MY recovery is going...still there, but pretty fragile right now. i've been back and forth on the whole moving to tulsa thing. yes, it is a highly "sick" concentrated area, and i have sick memories associated with tulsa, but on the other hand all of my support is there, my team, my friends who do have pretty solid recoveries, and i have memories associated with getting my life back there. so there is some positive and some negative. at least in tulsa i have some incentive to stay better. i have to be doing well to go to mag house groups and see the team there. i have to be trying to do recovery, even if i do have a slip up. they will not allow me to have a defeatist attitude because they, like myself, know that i can do this. they have seen proof, too. Here in Orlando, if i were to slip back (which i am in NO way planning, hear that loud and clear) there are no incentives really...i don't even have a team here that i see on a regular basis. so as bad as this may sound, i'd have "peer pressure" of sorts to keep me focused and on the right path...here, i don't have much to work for. So, i still think tulsa is a good idea, i just am being realistic about the challenges I will face upon moving back.

we shall see how that goes.
oh, and i am taking a short hiatus from facebook for a little while. i need an emotional break from all the drama. time to myself. to clear my head and try to get re-focused. who knows, i might not last 24 hours but i am going to give it a go anyway!

if you need me, call/text or email me...or formspring me (LbeeC)..i'll check that occasionally.

love, LB