Snow in FL? who knew!

I'm sitting at my grandparent's kitchen table in Louisiana, freeeezing because it's actually pretty chilly here. I've been in the car for 12 hours straight, so I'm feeling just a little cramped. Oh, totally exciting - on our way up here, we ran into snow flurries around Tallahassee (florida)! That is huge because rarely if ever does the state of FL see any resemblence of snow..especially not in Orlando, so it was my little piece of excitement for the day to stick my hand out the window and let them fall on my palm :)

Now, i'm not going to lie. I'm not in the best of spirits today. First of all, riding in the car was hard for me. I have been having a hard time being still and sedentary without my brain completely going nuts. THEN, we get to my aunts house and have this huge Christmas dinner...so not only am I feeling guilty for being so still and inactive all day, i'm also feeling a little anxious about the upcoming meal. I've always had a thing about balancing out and equaling out...so if I eat, then I need to exercise that much...it's gotten SO much better since my last inpatient stay, but I still struggle with the mentality of it, moreso than the actual behaviors. So, my brain was doing all this crazy calculating and making me get all worked up...I then changed clothes into something non-cartripish, and tried on a shirt which I had yet to wear...well let me tell you, I nearly had a meltdown because it didn't look just right, etc. I had this incredible urge just to throw my hands up and say "screw recovery!" I know know know that I can't give up that easily, but it feels like it is getting harder and harder each day to look at myself in the mirror. I keep trying to tell myself that my mind convolutes what is really there, but it's just hard to dispute everything my brain tells me at times.
This time of year is always really difficult for me, and not JUST because of the holidays and the food, and this is the first year I have been out of treatment in like 4 years, so I am having to face the triggers and deal with them during the time that is particularly hard for me. It just presents a whole new set of challenges. I am definitely giving it my all trying to deal with everything, but can say that it hasn't been perfect. I'm having some bumps in the road. I wanted to put that out there more to say that recovery isn't about being perfect, because it never will be...we will never be perfect. No such thing. I hope that I never come across as someone who has all the answers, has it all together, etc. I may choose selectively what I want to talk about but i made a promise to myself that I would be honest, so I will be honest about my bumps in the road when they occur.

All in all, I am still doing pretty well, but having to work harder to keep it that way.
Love you all and hope that the winter weather is being enjoyed, and that your nights are all going well!

<3 LB