I'm having one of those days..
you know, the ones where I feel ---. not uncommon, but they have been less and less in frequency. the crazy thing is, i KNOW that the uncomfortable way i am feeling in my body is 100% related to my emotions. needless to say, my emotions have been all over the place lately! i made the decision to go to Tulsa, but the logistics of it are really getting me. How do I pay for the move there? For the first two months before I start school? i'm taking out loans once i start school, but how do i manage before i get those loans? do i wait to move or just risk it? the more i think things out, the more daunting and overwhelming everything seems. then i tend to suddenly develop a "what the hell" defeatest attitude and throw my hands up in exasperation. yes, it would be easier to stay at home and go to school, but i really don't think i would be happy here. i mean, i'm not really happy here right now. my mom and i got into a little dispute last night, and as i was explaining to her that i'm not happy here and feel as though i have no independence, she said, "Leah Beth, i don't think you are going to be happy anywhere." she may have a very valid point. i may move out to tulsa and fall into the daily grind and find that i'm not as happy as i thought i would be...then what? i will never know until i give it a try. i guess i'm just really struggling to fidn my independence and a place where i feel like i just fit. i have my life back now, and i'm chomping at the bits to get moving. i also know that one of my core beliefs is pretty prevelant right now...i feel like i should be productive, and that living under my parents' roof, working part time for my dad, and having absolutely no social life is not productive in my book. don't get me wrong, i am doing recovery and that is an incredibly productive feat, but i also need to experience life because i haven't had many opportunities to do so (while healthy.) and moving back is something that i'm actually excited about. i'm making plans. plans keep me going. i am torn because the money situation is what is getting in the way right now. my parents are looking out for my future and don't want me to have a ton of debt to pay off, which i understand, but regardless, i'm going to end up with debt because i am going back to school and don't have the money to pay for it...might as well go back to a place that i want to be, right?
anyway, that was a ramble that all started with the connection between body image and emotions. I feel overwhelmed, anxious and chaotic emotionally, which is exactly how i feel in my skin today.
so i shall remind myself, this too shall pass.
on a totally different note, i am preparing to run my first 5K...though i enjoy running and have been doing it for a while, this will be my first fun 5K..my long term goal is to run the OKC half marathon in May...i think i can prepare by then, but even if i can't, i can build up my strength and endurance :) and just a disclaimer...the wanting to run a 5K and eventually a half marathon has nothing to do with my ED...in fact, it is something I could NEVER do with an ED...now i can because i am feeding my muscles, and actually enjoy the feeling of being strong and healthy!
that is about it. may write more later if needed.
much love, LB
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