I've been putting off writing a new entry for a few days now. Between being so busy with last minute christmas shopping and just not feeling very up to par, I wanted to procrastinate on writing...but i said i would keep up with this and so i am going to.
Not too much has been happening here in the land of sunshine and sweet tea. It doesn't really feel much like christmas with the weather the way it is, but I am trying to pretend that the rain is actually snow and the gray sky really means cold weather ;) I have just about finished up my christmas shopping, which i am more than relieved about. It is fun in the beginning but as it gets closer and closer to christmas i begin to feel more and more claustraphobic everywhere i go. Even our local grocery store had a full parking lot tonight! I've been increasingly anxious, not just about the holidays, lately...so much so that i lay down to go to sleep at night and my heart just races. I have to use some serious deep breathing in order to will it to slow down. I am also growing more and more depressd...and more ready by the day to get in to see the psychiatrist and get this all taken care of. My mom suggested I look into accupuncture to help with the depression. It would be nice not to have to rely on meds to get me through the day. Ed wise, i've been struggling just a little with the obsessive thoughts about food and needing to eat "healthy and clean" foods, which i know can get me into a slippery spot. Also, i've been feeling a bit nostalgic about how things used to be...mainly, how i used to look. I have this desire to look that way again. I'm pretty sure that I am quite disillusioned, and have somehow developed temporary amnesia regarding how miserable my life was when I was that thin...instead, I think "oh, if i were thin again I'd look good in everything and everything would fit just as it should." wrong...very very wrong. truth is, i didn't look good in everything, and the more weight i lost, the more frustrated I got when shopping. I would pick out something I thought was cute and then it wouldn't fit. It would hang...which was far from attractive. I keep having to remind myself not to glorify or glamourize parts and pieces of the illness, but rather look at the bigger picture. I can't have one part of it and not the other. I can't be skinny and happy, it never works out. I usually get skinny and bitchy, miserable, lazy, lethargic, restless, bored, and completely unrelateable. I always think, once i am better, that going back would be different...it would be better and easier, but that is just lying to myself. going back to the ed would in fact be different...because each relapse for me has only been worse and worse, and after this last one, i don't honestly think i can survive "worse." so instead of getting stuck on how great being thin again would be, i remind myself of the things i can now do and the people i can relate to and the relationships i can have that i would have never been able to maintain when sick. I have to keep reminding myself of the truth, even if it doesn't feel like the truth at times.
Recovery is HARD! Not that I didn't know this already, but just to state the obvious...it IS!
regardless, I will press on, and attempt to stay on track in such a chaotic and anxiety provoking time...oh, one more thing - i'm still planning on moving to tulsa in march...wish me luck that i can somehow save enough money to cover the first couple of months that i will need to get on my feet!
thats all...much love.
LB
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