her value far above rubies and pearls...: Smile with your eyes

I decided to change my formspring background last night, so i googled inspirational post its..."post its?" you ask. Well, yes. I have really been wanting to write inspirational post its and post them everywhere i go...even in the random places...how fun. Anyway, the point is, I changed my background when I found a post it that said "smile with your eyes." in treatment, we had a group called DBT, and Jenn, who usually led the group, would talk about the concept of a half smile, and smiling with your eyes. How even if you aren't feeling it but you smile or half smile anyway, you can increase the chances of changing your mood for the better. And, another thing I really liked about it is the fact that it mentioned the eyes. I have this thing about the eyes. One of the best compliments someone can give me is that my eyes sparkle. I believe that the eyes are the window to the soul, and that true joy, true freedom comes from the soul...so for my eyes to sparkle and have life behind them it means that I have true joy and happiness. I think back to when I was in the throes of the eating disorder and how dead my eyes looked. I smiled, I laughed, I pretended everything was going great, but you could always tell I was lying about my current state of bliss just by looking into my eyes. They always looked so vacant and empty. That is hard to imagine because I have these blue eyes that just seem to pop, but yes, they at one time lost their pop, and even some of their brightness. Once in recovery, the first thing I really and truely noticed, besides the obvious weight gain, was that my eyes lit up again. Second was my ability to laugh from the heart. This newfound life i felt actually got me into a little "trouble" as i began to get in trouble for laughing too much because it was "burning too many calories" and my enegry was costing me "energy." but i didn't care, because for once, i looked alive. and felt alive, too.
"why on earth is she writing all of this?" you may be asking yourself right now. I write all this today, because today I am feeling that pull backwards. That pull back down the rabbit hole. And this is my way of fighting it. Sure, i would probably be okay for a while, but i would surely start to lose the sparkle, and the spark. is it worth the risk? I don't think i believe it is, anymore. I think I'd rather the blue eyes that sparkle, skin that looks sunkissed rather than tinted with death, and a light - from the inside out.

(the picture below was not posted in an ED way...rather as a marker of the beginning of my journey...notice the eyes and how they have no life in them at all)