i'm having a tough day today...
lots of anxiety and lots of guilt which equals lots of negative body image and lots of obsessiveness.
or at least that is the basic LB conversion of emotions to body and food related feelings.
i'm just stressed, i suppose. and have a lot on my mind.
it's so easy for me to totally avoid having to feel my emotions. after all, avoiding is what i have done for the past 15+ years, right? i've basically perfected the art of avoiding. so it seems natural that when i am under pressure and stress that i would start to think, "if i only had my eating disorder back, i wouldn't have to think about any of this or deal with anything." then my brain runs with that and i just end up obsessing, etc, and basically succeed at avoiding the real issues. but where has this so-called art of avoiding gotten me? no where. well, that's not exactly true. i have, in fact, managed to avoid myself right into a hospital bed, right onto a feeding tube, and almost succeeded at avoiding myself to death. maybe it's time to stop trying to run from everything, ignore and avoid and try dealing with life when it presents itself. maybe, if i could learn how to deal with it as it comes, in smaller incriments, it wouldn't all magically pile up and become insanely overwhelming for me. what a novel concept. yet, the old is so ingrained in me that avoiding still tends to be my first plan of action. i really have to stop and make myself act differently. or act at all.
i feel like when i first got home from laureate, things came so naturally. i didn't have to put up such a fight to get myself to do the next right thing. maybe it was the treatment high i was still riding, or maybe it just was easier, but it's gotten harder and less automatic to do my mealplan, exercise moderately, keep my appointments with my treatment team. it seems so backwards...like it should be getting easier with time. or maybe it is just that it's this time of year...the time of year that basically sends my anxiety through the roof and me running for the door. maybe that has made it harder for me to even know what the right thing is. i'm not sure that made much sense, but i'm going with it, haha. anyway, yea...
so yes, things are harder right now, but i'm not giving up without a fair fight. i know now that i am a fighter and have fight in me, so to roll over and give up would be uncharacteristic. so, i won't stop fighting...i just wish it wasn't always such a tiring fight...
time to stop avoiding and start facing.
on a totally random note...i realized recently that people reading this may not even know much about me apart from the little i have written thus far. So, a short blurb about me to fill people in.
I'm Leah Beth (obviously). Yep, it's a double name...my mom knew a girl in high school with the name Leah Beth and stole it because she liked it so much. Technically, it's on my birth certificate as first name Leah middle name Beth, but it has always been leah beth to my family and friends. I answer to anything, really. I'm 25, single, almost had a master's degree but am doing a little life plan changing...i enjoy acting, singing, dancing, crafty things, making things, being outdoors (hiking, biking, climbing, rafting, canoeing, everything!) and spending time with family and friends. I prefer the mountains to the beach, even though I live like 30 minutes from 3 different beaches. I loved school, and always said I wanted to be a career student ;) When I was little I wanted to be a red carpet actress, and tried to pursue this dream until the middle of high school when I decided to quit circulating my head shots and let my agent go. It was a lot of pressure, needless to say. I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia for the past 16ish years, and am finally working towards some semblance of true recovery. It has taken me a lot to get here. Gone through 6 long term inpatient stays, and various other short term hospital stays. I've learned a lot about myself, my relationships, and how i relate to the world through the process. I believe the struggle has made me stronger...more able to deal with all that life has to give. I'm a pretty open book when it comes to my story...i've learned that sharing my story can help others, whereas keeping it to myself only keeps the stigmas and stereotypes alive by not sharing valuable information and insight. I am currently working on a book and am hoping to have it done in the near future. I am about to do some major life changing, and will be making a big move back to tulsa in the spring to start school and then enter an accelerated nursing program since the graduate program i was in wouldn't allow me to come back to the program.
I am so thankful for the friends, family, and supportive people who have helped me along the way. I feel certain that I wouldn't be where i am or who i am without them.
that's about it...if you have questions, just let me know..im a pretty open book :)
love y'all
<3 LB
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