I am sitting here in my flannel polar bear pj pants and bob marley shirt, listening to The Holiday playing on TV, and eating homemade fudge...my family is busy wrapping and cleaning and hustling around the house trying to get the last minutes done before we call it a night and crash. All is pretty calm in the Carrier household tonight. So i am going to take time to reflect.
My first Christmas at home and out of treatment in 3 years. The past three Christmases have been spent working to regain my life at renfrew, then remuda, then laureate. Though I feel sad that I have missed out on so many holidays with my family because of an eating disorder, I am grateful for the opportunities to learn, grow, and become who I am today. I am even more grateful to be sitting on my bed in my pj's tonight...I have my life back, praise the Lord. I get to enjoy the festivities, the home baked goods, wrap presents for my loved ones, and relax in my own home. I become uber reflective around this time of year, regardless of what is going on. The end of something and the beginning of something new always makes me reflect back. I will most likely do more reflecting around the first of the new year, haha, but for tonight I guess I just want to say that I am grateful to be here. Actually, I am grateful to even be alive. There was a time this past year that I didn't know if I would wake up the next morning, nor did I really even want to. Tonight, I am singing a different tune...one filled with hope.
The holidays are also difficult for me, as some negative memories are associated with this time of year, plus the food, plus the crazy family time, etc. I have a tendency to begin to self-destruct around this time of year because self-destructing has always seemed easier than actually dealing with the feelings and emotions. I think this year I am going to try something new. It will be a challenge, yes, and I am already feeling an increase in the stressm anxiety, and guilt, but I am using other methods to deal. Reaching out, e-mailing/texting, blogging, journaling, and reflecting back on things i am thankful for, looking at how far i have come, and reminding myself of times that I showed strength and courage. I want to change the pattern...i want to start the new year off on the right foot and pointed in the right direction.
That is my goal and my hope.
Also, on the reflective note - I love Christmas because it serves as a reminder that God loved me SO much, that He sent His Son for me...the birth of a baby savior changed history forever, and changed my life forever. I often doubt that I have purpose and tend to question why I was even created if this is the life I am going to live and the struggle I will face day in and day out. Sometimes, I get so frustrated because it all felt so cruel and inhumane...yet, thinking about one sending their precious son to suffer in order to save lives makes me wonder if in some way, that is sort of what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe, just maybe, I am suffering in order to save lives...to tell my story and hope that it will create a ripple of change in a very placid and content sick society. Maybe my struggle will inspire someone else to fight for their recovery, and to realize that they indeed are WORTH the fight. I realize, though sometimes i forget, that I am worth fighting for. Someone has been fighting for me since day one...the One who gave me life, breath, hair, fingers, toes...that One believes in me, so I should believe in me too...
Alright...those are all of my christmas eve rambles!
Good night...hope santa brings you lots of fun!
<3 LB
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