decisions, decisions...

so sorry that I haven't written since i've been back from tulsa. the weekend was less than stellar, to say the least. I knew going out to tulsa that i would want to stay...after all, it is where i feel at home, connected, alive. but i also knew that i had plans...plans to move to nashville, do big things with my life. so after getting home and telling my parents that i might want to consider a different plan things just went downhill. i really had a lot to consider between jobs, school progression, student loans, rent, bills, food, etc. the more i tried to talk it out and make a plan that i could somehow control, the more stressed I got. i'm not one to lose weight easily, but my anxiety has been SO ramped up lately that i'm down a little. I knew that was a surefire sign that i just needed to make a decision...after all, my therapist once told me, "Leah Beth, you have the ability to make a decision, and then you have the choice to change your mind and go a different direction if it doesn't work out." And she is so right, yet making decisions, especially potentially life changing ones, scare the living daylights out of me! it's like, my mind starts racing and won't stop...i think about all the possible outcomes, both positive and negative, fret over all the what if's and talk myself out of what my heart is really saying to do. and that is exactly what I have been doing...stressing myself out, into a constant state of anxiety and insomnia, and worrying myself sick.
Last night, after spending the whole day devestated, hopeless, in tears and about ready to give up on recovery, i did it. I just made a decision, and am sticking with it. Yes, i may hit bumps in the road, or wish i had done something different somewhere down the road, but for right now I have to trust that I am capable of making this work out. and i am. I can do just about anything I put my mind to! So, i am moving to Tulsa around the end of feb/beginning of march, start summer prereq classes, take them and work, while taking out student loans to help with school and living, continue that until Nov, when I can apply to OU's accelerated nursing program :) and i will have the support of friends in tulsa, the treatment team, mag house groups (so long as I continue to stay in my weight range) and hopefully broaden my network with friends from school and whatever church I get involved with!
I am excited about going back, nervous, scared, sad, happy, all of the above but hopeful that I can get my life on the right track and keep pressing on. I know my parents are sad that I will be leaving again, but they have given me the resources to become who I am and now it is time to test out my wings...i've fallen before, so now I know how to get back up and go forth.
I will persevere.
WE will persevere!!

xoxo, LB