from loss to change

I found out last night that a friend of mine from Laureate died this past friday. She was 25 (my age), blonde, bubbly, and beautiful. She had such a sweet and caring personality...one i know you would love if you ever got to know her. I am saddened by the loss of a girl who was trying to fight this awful disease. She came in broken, weak, and tired and left simply glowing. and now the world is without her.

It just doesn't seem fair when you think about it. We are so young, and so talented...we have so much to offer the world. We shouldn't be worrying about when/if our friends will die until we are like 75. Not 25. I hate this disease. I wish I could eradicate all the disease, disorder, hurt, and pain from this world. I am only one person. I can do my share to start the process, but it is going to take so much more than I have to give to change things. When i talk of my heart breaking, it is because I know just how serious this disease is. Just how many lives it claims...lives that should be lived out to the fullest...not cut short. My heart was never whole to begin with...i think it has always been broken, but whatever wholeness remained is slowly breaking apart.

I cried myself to sleep...as I do most nights these days. I cried because my soul ached so bad. I cried for Nikki. I cried for those I know, and those I don't, who are being lured back to the disorder. I cried for the years that I will never get back. I cried. A lot. I miss the time when I approached the world barefoot and unprepared...when I took baths in a washtub in the backyard clothed in nothing but a diaper. when I let the wind blow through my hair and laughed at the way the strands tickled my face. I miss the time when I didn't have to worry who was still fighting, who was giving up, who was still breathing.

When did life get so complicated? So convoluted and disillusioned? When did life become about survival and existence in stead of experience, laughter, and true living? How did we get from there to here? And how do we stop this from happening over and over to future generations? How can I change just one life, help just one person to fight for themselves?

I feel so utterly helpless.
So insignificant.
But change begins with one person.
So let's go change the world...what do you say?

xo, LB