More sad news today...
another girl that I was in treatment with passed away on sunday.
that makes two in less than a month.
and both girls were all in treatment at the same time.
RIP <3
i just want to scream, and throw a fit, about how it's just not fair.
i want to shout to the world, "haven't we gotten the message yet? haven't we figured out that these sick standards of beauty are killing us?"
i want to caution all of my friends to take care of themselves.
we play with fire...scratch that.
we play with death when flirting with our eating disorders.
we run the risk of not waking up in the morning,
or passing out while driving and crashing a car.
we walk on this thin ice everyday that we walk with our eating disorder.
until now, i thought that death from an eating disorder was something kind of unapplicable to me.
i felt like i was invincible, and could continue to evade death.
i was wrong.
this is serious.
it's taking friends away...
daughters,
sisters,
mothers,
wives...
this is serious.
it's time to make a change so that another beautiful life doesn't have to end so abruptly.
i'm going to be the change that i want to see in the world.
you in?
now, to something different.
let's see...the mouth pain seems to be somewhat better today, though definitely still there. but to add to that, i have now contracted whatever respiratory stuff my dad has had for the past week, and on top of that, the oral surgery put my body under stress, and when my body gets stressed out I end up having a fibromyalgia flare up...so last night i laid in bed on the heating pad, totally still and in tears because it hurt to breathe, hurt to move, hurt to be still...it just hurt. Flare ups give me some of the worst pain ever. it's like my hips and legs felt like they were burning off. ick.
anyway, i'm trying to stay positive and keep my chin up...as my friend Sarah Kate would say,
head up, heart open.
trying my hardest not to let this get me down!
i did reach out to one of the members of my support team in tulsa yesterday and let her know that i was struggling some with getting my meal plan in because of this mouth stuff...
she reminded me that i have NEVER done this well before and to keep fighting.
she's right.
i have never ever done this well before.
it's almost scary to think about that...but in a good way.
i just want it to last.
i want my recovery to last.
i want to be one that survives to live to tell my story one day.
that is what i want most.
anyway, thats about all right now.
much love, LB
i love you.
ReplyDeleteyour not alone in your fight! I, like you, have thought that death would never apply to me with ed, but the further off course I've gotten I have realized that it was only a matter of time before it would apply. Let's fight to stay alive girl! no matter what... we can do this!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your friend. I feel like this past year has been the worst with people dying from eds/ed related suicide for me. I too have often felt invincible, but the more often it happens, I see that I am not. And I often hope that losing people will somehow get easier after it has happened so many times, but rather, it has had the opposite affect on me. Each death seems to hit me harder, closer to home, and with more power than the one before.
ReplyDelete"i want to be one that survives to live to tell my story one day." <--- This is one thing that I feel keeps me going and motivated at times when things may feel helpless. I think it has become so important to take the social stigma away from this disorder and FORCE people to see the severity of it, and how it needs to be treated just as seriously as any other disease.