life, or something like it

So, i started having serious second thoughts today about moving back to tulsa.
I started to think about the friends I have there, who i still talk to and who i don't, whether or not I would be able to make it financially, where I was planning on living, etc. and began to get overwhelmed.
What if my friends there leave or are too busy to maintain relationships with?
What if I get there and can't afford to stay? What will that do to my pride and ego?
But I had to stop and re-evaluate why I was moving back in the first place. Yes, for school, and also to have a treatment team that gets me and understands what I am going though. I am also moving back to learn how to be independent and have a fresh start, so to speak.
If i plan to move back solely for the friends or social aspect, i'm setting myself up for failure. I have to have motives other than that to make it work.
It's a tough decision.
I have reasons to stay in Orlando now, that I didn't have when I made the initial decision.
Technically, I'd have to branch out and find non ED friends in tulsa, as I would have to do if I stayed in Orlando. There are pro's and con's to both.
But just thinking about not going back brought me to tears today.
I so want to prove to msyelf and to others that I can make it work, and that I can be independent. I don't want to get stuck here in Orlando. But I also want to make the best decision for me.
Ahh, I hate being back in this indecisive spot.
I just wish i felt confident in one decision. I've been praying about the right course of action since I went back to visit in December and nothing. I feel no real direction. I keep wondering if I'm missing something, or not listening well enough, but I still feel doubtful about going to tulsa and sick to my stomach about staying in Orlando. I just need to make up my mind already.

So, last night after getting the ticket I came home and basically laid in bed/slept from 7pm until 9am. The ticket itself wasn't that big of a deal because the cop cut me a break, but it just triggered something. i had a breakdown. getting the ticket led me to cancelling the pizza and a movie, so i bailed and failed to pick up the pizza i had ordered. By the time I got home, I had determined that I was a failure as a person, and basically a disgraceful human being. Really? Since when does getting a ticket determine my self-worth? It doesn't. But in my world, little things become big things, and negative events lead to negative ideas about who i am. It's always been this way and has been one of my biggest challenges trying to overcome this and change it.
Last night was no exception. As I was leaving the parking lot where I got pulled over, ticket in hand and tears clouding my vision, I told myself that life was not worth living. Don't worry, I realize how extreme that sounds. And I wasn't going to do anything crazy. It was just a thought. But it did get me thinking - I can't remember the last time I truly wanted to be alive. I've spent the majority of my life wondering why i was even alive. I don't know what it's like to wake up in the mornings and be excited for life...not specific events that day, but truly excited just to be alive. I wonder how it can come so easily for some people but is such a fight for others.

But wishing and wondering hasn't really gotten me very far, and I believe that even though the desire to live and love life doesn't come naturally, that it can be learned. So that is what I am trying to do - figure out a way to be passionate about my life, find meaning in my days, and realize that I was put here for a reason...I have a purpose. There is some reason that, after trying everything I could to die, I am still alive. I am trying to find things to be thankful for, and to value the beauty of life. My best friend does an amazing job at reminding me that I have purpose and was placed on this earth to do great things. Sounds so obvious, but I tend to forget this one. I get lost in the negativity and the chaos and forget that I was designed with meaning. Because of this, I am obligated to at least try to be more, do more, and actually live life. I don't say do more and be more in a perfectionistic way, rather in the sense that I have the capacity to be a leader, an instrument of change, and sitting around wallowing in self-pity just won't cut it.

In a nutshell - yes, I haven't had the easiest of days the past week or so, and have struggled, i am not and never will be my struggles. I was created for more. Life is not always easy, in fact I think it is generally hard and the easy days are blessings. Regardless, I can choose to live.

Thats all.
<3 LB