perspectives on surrender...

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of surrender lately.
I heard a song on the radio talking about surrendering it all, giving up, letting go. And at first this rubbed me the wrong way and I got a little defensive. I started thinking how unfair it was that I had to let go of everything I've known, roll over and wave my white flag, become helpless, and say, "okay, i'm done fighting." but then i reframed this thought. Who says that surrendering has to be seen as an act of weakness. Yes, traditionally those who surrendered have lost wars, gone to jail, been defeated. Maybe, if we change the way we look at it, we could see that those fighting wars surrendered to protect from more and more casualties...more destruction. Maybe, their decision to surrender was one of the strongest things they have ever had to do.

I know it has been for me.

Surrendering and letting go has proven that I want no more destruction in my life. I am tired of self-destructing, and for what? Because it has what I've done since I was a child...because at one point in time that self-destruction actually protected me and kept me alive, but it isn't anymore. What once kept me alive as a way of coping could very well kill me now. Maybe it is time to make the strong and courageous decision to cut my losses and try something new.

I'm a self-professed control freak. I plan for everything, have plans A, B, C, and sometimes D in line so that I am never scrambling. I like to control outcomes, prepare for possible curveballs, and get ready for the future. But really, no one can prepare for everything. Life is, in essence, unpredictable. Using my eating disorder and other means of self-destruction allowed me to plan my days out based on calculated food and caloric formulas. It gave me order to my day, and to my life. Self-destructing also allowed me to predict the outcomes of a situation. I almost always knew how I would feel on any given day, where I would eventually end up, when my appointments were, etc. I began to plan my week around therapy and dietitian appointments, instead of fitting those into my life. As much as I thought I had so much control over my life, I was quite disillusioned. I, in fact, had very little control over anything. So rather than fight to the death, I tried something new.

I surrendered actively, not passively.

If order was what I needed in my life, that is how I started the process. Finding a job with a set schedule...nothing too chaotic like when I worked as a psych tech and had no set schedule. Instead of planning my days around exact caloric calculations, I plan my days around things I want to do that are fun, entertaining, relaxing, whatever need i'm trying to meet. When it comes to planning my future, which I actually have found I have really no complete control over, I plan for things I want to accomplish in life that require me to be a person, not a shell of the person that once was.

I'm planning to make a big location move from Orlando to Tulsa in the very near future. I know times of  transition tend to be triggers for the eating disorder, as they usually involve chaos, commotion, and unexpected curveballs, so to preempt this possible setback, i'm planning out what I want to do when I get there, besides the obvious look for a job, prepare to start school, etc. I am picking out places to volunteer, figuring out how to get involved with a church, finding crafty groups to become a part of. Anything to give myself something to do, some sort of schedule when I first get to town.

By letting go of what once was, I get to create what is going to be.
This is my definition of active surrendering.
I feel so much more empowered and less like a victim of circumstance just by changing my perspective.
I might be waving my white flag, but you can bet it reads HELLZ YEA! in big, bold letters :)

Why not try actively surrendering?
You might be surprised at just how strong you feel when letting go :)

love y'all
<3 LB