getting it out in the open

I decided I should probably do a quick check in since I haven't updated since thursday..
No worries, this will be quick. I'm about to head out to get some Naked Pizza and watch a movie with a sweet friend of mine.

Let's see...
i had a pretty good day yesterday. woke up feeling rather productive, so i started the day by making to-do lists regarding tulsa. there are so many ducks that i have to get into a row before leaving and i tend to procrastinate preparing for big decisions or events. maybe it's not procrastinating as much as it is, simple avoidance. i already wrote my piece on avoidance, and boy am i good at it. so yea, i need to start getting everything in order to move back out to tulsa. i spent the day checking on insurance policies, residency status for OU, apartment hunting and getting myself pumped about going back out there.

after work, i came home and went for a run.
i've been struggling with the depression lately, and it has zapped all of my energy and motivation, so working out has been rather difficult for me. getting back into the swing of things was a big step, and hopefully will help boost my mood again, too. i had planned to run a 5K next weekend, but think I may wait until the 5th of Feb. and run an all womens 5K in the area. 5K's are so fun...i can just run to run.

Last night, i went out with my mom and our friend to the Cheesecake factory for dessert and drinks. Let me just tell you, my anxiety was through the roof. At first, all I could think was "there are calories in the drink, calories in the apps, and calories in the cheesecake." I made the mistake a long time ago of looking up the caloric content of CF cheesecake (i dont recommend doing that at ALL!) so it was hard for me to get that out of my head. Actually, its hard for me to not count calories when I eat. Thats one of the downfalls of an eating disorder. One spends so much time counting calories while in the disorder that it becomes really hard to "remove" those numbers from the head once one is in recovery. So, even though I am in recovery, I still know the caloric content of pretty much everything I eat. My task these days is to not let that effect my food choices. I guess that is how you overcome that one. I ended up saying out loud that I was going to consume more calories than I was comfortable with, but I was going to do it despite my anxiety. I think that helped because my mom and friend then knew it was a struggle, and just getting it out meant  I couldn't just sit with it anymore. Everything is better out in the open...okay, not EVERYTHING, but for me, secrets keep me sick.

Anyway, we had a great time at the Cheesecake Factory, and then went across the street to see Country Strong. Such a good movie!! A little sad, though. It was just inspiring to see someone who had been down and out get back up and keep going. It's all about getting back up on the horse. Oh, and the soundtrack ROCKS. All in all, the night was good!

Today has been pretty lax.
Woke up at 11, finished off my cheesecake, went for a walk, then ran to target to return some stuff/buy new stuff. My body image is killing me lately, and I don't really feel like I can wear anything cute anymore, so I ended up buying a sweatshirt and some socks, but I think i'm goingto hit up old navy tomorrow and try to challenge that one. I deserve to look cute, regardless of my size or weight. Wish me luck!

Alright, thats about it.
Off to enjoy some pizza and a movie!

<3 LB

edit *** so, i got pulled over and got a ticket on my way to go have my pizza and a movie night. it was dark, and i saw a car turning into the shopping center, so i followed him. it wasn't until i was already in the middle of the road that i saw the do not enter sign. stupid cop pulled us both over. i hate cops. i hate my life. i hate that nothing ever goes right or according to plan. and i hate how humiliated i felt as everyone drove through the parking lot staring at me. idiots.
no pizza. no movie. no dinner.