thankful for fresh starts

Today, i am thankful for new days and fresh starts.
I realllly needed one today, after the day I had yesterday.
Honestly, I don't really know why yesterday was so bad, besides the obvious epic fail doctor appt...maybe it was just a combination of STILL not feeling up to par physically, after a week of solid being sick, attempting to wear my contacts again, but not being able to because of the eye infections I have in both eyes, being tired but not being able to nap because my body hurt, and then going to the mall to buy some shoes and them not even having them in stock. It was just the little things that weren't going right. Ever have those days, when you just want something to go right, but everything seems to go wrong instead?
Yea, that was my day yesterday.

I went to bed in tears, which isn't all that uncommon lately, as my emotions have just been all over the place. But last night was different.
I went to bed questioning why on earth i was even ON earth?
What was my purpose?
Why bother trying to fight through the days to live if there was nothing to live FOR.
But there is something to live for.
In fact, there is quite a lot to live for...i just fail to see that when all I can see in the moment is the pain and the grief.

Picture this.
You are in a room that is on fire and burning down.
There is an open door in the corner leading to freedom, but all you can see, or choose to see, are the flames getting closer and closer. You start to panic, and freeze up.
Freedom is waiting, but you are too scared to take your eyes off the problem and make a move.

Okay, so I know that's not totally realistic, as some would just jump straight into action, but for me if feels an awful lot like being in that burning room. Every little problem is becoming an overwhelming crisis, and instead of seeing the solution, and taking steps to get there, i end up paralyzed and mesmerized by the heaping mound of problems and issues to sort through.
This is nothing new for me. I have, in fact, always been this way. It has always been easier to focus on the negative than move forward towards the positive. I've been doing well with staying optimistic and open minded, don't get me wrong, but it's just becoming harder to do so these days.
I'm still pushing through, though!

I woke up this morning and made an action plan...
call the eye doctor to get my eyes checked out.
start up with my exercise again, as that seems to level out my mood.
go get my uggs.
try to eat more, balanced.
call the PCP to see about getting some sort of antidepressant prescription.
clean up my room.

I have a plan...concrete steps to take towards a solution. towards a way out of this hole that I am hanging in.
It's going to be hard, no doubt, but I have evidence to show that I can get myself out of difficult situations.
Why not do it once more, right?

All in all, feeling a little more focused and determined today :)
Love y'all,
LB