Psalm 107: 17-22 (from the Message)
Some of you were sick because you'd lived a bad life,
your bodies feeling the effects of your sin;
You couldn't stand the sight of food,
so miserable you thought you'd be better off dead.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
he got you out in the nick of time.
He spoke the word that healed you,
that pulled you back from the brink of death.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;
Offer thanksgiving sacrifices,
tell the world what he's done—sing it out!
Now, I don't know how I feel about the first part, "some of you were very sick because you'd lived a bad life." I am sure that was applicable to those this message was written for originally...in the eating disorder context, I'd say most of us didn't ask for an eating disorder. But I get where they are coming from...how cool that the Bible actually addressed those who loathed all food...it's like it was written for us. It's things like this that help me know I am not alone...that someone actually does understand my pain. God is my higher power or means of spirituality, though I know this is not the case for everyone. Regardless, it's nice to believe in something bigger than myself...someone who knows my pain...who understands me.
Anyway, that was definitely a brightener to my day.
I'm not going to lie...having all this mouth stuff and being so nauseous from pain pills and not being able to eat normally is playing with my head. My brain keeps thinking "oh, you didn't really need as much as you were eating to survive...you can survive on less just fine."
No! I can't.
Sure, I would like to believe I could...and my brain, my disordered brain, still thinks I can. But there is hard medical evidence that my body cannot, in fact, sustain itself on less. So, do I go with believing a disordered brain or believing the medical evidence and medical professionals that tell me otherwise. It seems obvious to go with the latter of the two, but if only it was that easy.
I don't normally weigh myself....i usually leave that up to my dietitian. However, with the holidays and then having to reschedule my appt yesterday because I was doped up, I haven't been weighed in over a month. I started to freak, and decided to weigh this morning. It was down. Not a lot at all, but enough to seriously mess with me. All those old feelings came parading back faster than I imagined possible. Things like, "if you keep going you'll be where you want to be in no time..." or "see, no need to eat that much..." I seriously had to stand in front of the mirror and challenge each thought out loud in order to keep myself sane. And here I thought recovery was going to be easy...not! (okay, i didn't really think it would be easy but I definitely didn't anticipate some of the really hard moments.)
So yea, I'm struggling with realllly having to fight off the thoughts today.
in other news, I am still trying to plan the move out to tulsa. I am saving up some money, have someone lined up to fly down and drive back up with me, and have a couple people who told me I could stay with them until I find a place to live. yet there are still so many little logistics that I have to work out...like, will establishing residency in another state mess up the fact that I am currently considered a disabled dependent on my parents insurance...i have to have the insurance, you know. Or, what happens if I get out there and can't find a job and can't get my loan money until after the start of the summer semester? I am so very afraid of falling flat on my face, which would be totally humiliating since this is my attempt at growing up and being a self-supporting adult.
My parents aren't really for this idea of moving to tulsa, as they are looking at it from a primarily financial standpoint. Yes, it would be cheaper to stay here in Orlando, live with them, and then do school here. But I really need to become an adult at some point in time. I need to test out my independence. I have to try and fly eventually. Moving to tulsa is more than just a move to me...it represents me learning how to support myself without parental help, or much parental help at least. I know it is not the smartest financial decision and will be very difficult at first, but I want to at least give it a try. Does that make any sense? I hope so.
oh, and totally random...i got new glasses :) yay! they are red and pretty awesome :)
So yea, I have a lot on my plate...well, not really at the moment...but you get what i mean ;)
Hope everyone has a fantastic wednesday!
Love y'all,
LB <3
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